A BLUFFER'S GUIDE TO TAEKWONDO
I love this one. Wax on, wax off, wax on, wax . . .
That's karate.
Oh right. Then this is the feint into a slip and a kicking from the hip.
Nope, that's kung fu.
The one with the sword?
Kendo.
The one with the throws and holds?
Aikido.
Okay then Mister Miyagi, what's taekwondo?
Well, the slightly mystic answer is that it's an ancient Korean martial art that came together as an amalgamation of three rival kingdoms.
And the non-mystic answer?
It's two people trying to kick each other.
I see. I thought all those martial arts were about self-defence and honour and whatnot.
Yep. That and kicking each other. Taekwondo translates as "The way of the foot and the fist". A landed punch earns you one point, landed kicks can earn between two and four points. So mostly what you see is two people trying to kick each other.
Doesn't it hurt?
Not really. They wear body protectors and head gear. You can't attack the face. So really it's all about scoring rather than hurting.
I bet it's a little bit about hurting. How do you build up points?
A spinning kick to the torso is two points, a straight kick to the head is three points and a turning kick to the head is four. You get warnings for attacking with the knee, hitting below the belt or moving out of the 8x8 metre court. Two warnings equals a point deduction and four deductions means the fight is awarded to your opponent.
Hang on, how do they know if a kick has landed? Does a buzzer go off or something?
There are three judges stationed beside the court and the referee is inside the boundary with the hong and the chung.
Cheech and Chong were into taekwondo?
Hong and chung. It's what you call the two fighters. Hong means red and chung means blue in Korean. It refers to the colour of their headgear and hogu.
So you're saying I would need to brush up on my language skills before starting out in the sport?
Well, brushing up on not getting kicked in the head is probably more important but yeah, there are a few Korean phrases you'll need to keep in mind. Hogu is the name for your chest protector, dobok is the name for your uniform and "Shi-jak!" is the command the referee gives to start the fight.
What about Hi-Ya!
Now you're just being ridiculous.
QUICK NOTES
Top spoofing factoid: The sport made its debut in the Sydney games, 12 years after it was a demonstration sport in Seoul
Do say: That last kick to the hogu made all the difference
Don't say: Hogu close, don't let me go, oh no
When: Today until Saturday
Kaki likely to place in 800 metres
Still only 23, Abubaker Kaki is well on course to becoming the biggest star in Sudan sporting history.
Apart from NBA player Luol Deng – born in Sudan but part of the British basketball team – Kaki is the one Sudanese athlete with any sort of international profile.
As a country, Sudan has no great history at the Olympics, having only ever won a single medal. That came in Beijing four years ago when Ismail Ahmed Ismail took silver in the 800 metres.
Kaki is his successor, running in the same event.
Gold is almost certainly beyond him tonight, the 800 metres containing by far the deadest of dead certs in any track event at the games in Kenya’s David Rudisha.
But Kaki, who has twice been world indoor champion over the distance, will do battle for the silver at least.
With Rudisha rumoured to be aiming for a world record (1:41.01), anything close to his personal best of 1:42.23 – the fastest time ever run by a non-winner – will have him in with a shout for a minor placing at the finish.
He actually warmed up for the games by basing himself in Antrim last month.
