Mary Hannigan TV View
When this Rugby World Cup kicked off Athens was still insisting, despite all its doubters, that it would be ready to host the following year's Olympics, a claim that led to a provocative headline in the Constantinople Bugle: "Yeah, riiiiight".
Athens made it, though: the 1896 Games were a roaring success.
Okay, the opening game of this Rugby World Cup, between Australia and Argentina, didn't actually take place in 1896 - the date was, in fact, October 10, 2003 - it's just that this tournament is beginning to feel 107 years old.
"Breathes there a man with soul so dead who hates rugby," said George Hook yesterday, somewhat menacingly, to those of us who feel the 2003 World Cup has been a touch on the stretched side, to the point where some non-believers are even beginning to ask: "when, oh merciful Lord, when oh when will it ever end?"
Point taken, George, but honest, if one more Ross O'Carroll-Kelly soundalike refers to Brian O'Driscoll as "Drico" and insists he is "absoluuuutely amaaaazing", some of those non-believers will go absoluuuutely balliiiiiistic, loike.
A few quibbles. Like: it just hasn't been the same since Namibia went home, because so long as they were in Australia there was a chance of open rugby with a try or 18, enough to keep our eyelids from drooping like an audience at a Clive Woodward team-talk ("remember: entertain the viewers, play free-flowing rugby, score a try and our reputation is in tatters").
And maybe that's why yesterday's semi-final score (Jonny Wilkinson 24, France 7) came as no great surprise - after all, Saturday's papers had told us that every time Jonny attempts a penalty or conversion his chances of success depend on the equation KP = CSP - (EnC(s+w+r+yn) + PsS( cr+sc+mt+xn) + PhS(ctw)). So, when he lined up his kicks against France his equation was near perfect, whereas Freddie Michalak's formula ended: + PhS(pulled it wide, encore - MERDE).
These formulae suggest it was a passionless, mathematical kind of day - not true. Lawrence Dallaglio bawled during God Save The Queen (note: the English fans in the stadium sang "God save your queen", just to wind the Aussies up).
George predicted France would win ("If you play France five times they'll beat you nine out of 10", as he had already told us), a notion so alien to the all-grinning Jim Rosenthal over on ITV that he would have needed sedation upon hearing that Woody's Boys could lose. We should remember, though, that Jim has spent the most recent chunk of his life telling us Formula One is exhilarating, so he's already the proud possessor of a poetic licence.
Tom McGurk asked George to expand on his view that France would triumph. Brent Pope and Conor O'Shea took deep breaths. "England don't have Henry V," said George, in reference to current affairs (i.e. the Battle of Agincourt), "they don't have 5,000 archers, I don't even think they have Laurence Olivier - so I think it's France."
Brent and Conor studied each other's blank expressions. A pause. Then: "What are you talking about?" asked Brent. Even George hadn't an answer - he wasn't sure himself.
The highlight of the game proved to be Christophe Dominici's attempt at beating up Martin Johnson (who stands 10 inches taller than the Frenchman), with Dominici failing to gouge out the England captain's eyes, despite his best efforts, largely because his fingertips couldn't reach that far. "Much ado about nothing," said Tony Ward, of an incident that would have led to a debate in the House of Commons if it had occurred on a soccer field.
After that. Well. Jonny aimed, Jonny shot, Jonny scored. Game over. "Aaah, Wilkinzon hazza a good receipt on ze kick, uz not zo good, zo thiz iz a logical result today," admitted French captain Fabien Galthie at full time. Back on ITV they were showing slow-motion replays of Prince Harry celebrating, and lovely they were too, while Will Carling was being nice about the French. Yup, 'twas that bad a day.
Back on RTÉ George had slipped into a deep, Woody Woodward-inspired depression, as he previewed the final. "As somebody who loves cricket you think about the Ashes," he started, while Brent and Conor donned their "here we go again" faces.
"With a bit of luck there will be some new ashes, the ashes of English rugby will be put in an urn and competed for in future between England and Australia."
Can't be sure, but it's possible this meant: "Up Australia". Which is where England will probably put it next weekend - and not even Drico can do anything about it. Loike.
