Day ten. You can only push Dean from Mersthan so far but beyond that point he's liable to say "enuff" and furiously ring Your Call, Sky News' afternoon phone-in show. It wasn't quite as funny as the sublime and interminably magnificent Ask Apres yesterday, but it came damn close in the merriment stakes.
Yes, Dean was angry. The good name of English football hooliganism was being dragged through the muck by UEFA and the "meedya" and if they didn't stop soon he was going cause a bitta bover, by the sound of him.
Listening to Dean in the studio was Sky's hooliganism consultant Dougie Brimson who made his debut on the channel during France '98. Dougie knows what he's talking about too, he used to "run with the Watford pack" (i.e. beat people up in and around football stadiums) but since becoming too old to run "now analyses the mentality of the modern day hooligans".
Dean sounded like one of the specimens Dougie probably sticks under his microscope in the lab. He was at the German game in Charleroi and - da na! - "we woz provoked". Just like in Poland, in fact, where Dean travelled for one of England's qualifying games. "The Polish were just waiting for us, it was a bloodbath," he revealed. Imagine finding Poles waiting for you in Poland?
Then John emailed Your Call to insist that if England were kicked out of Euro 2000 Holland, Germany, Turkey and Belgium should be chucked out too. Couldn't agree more, but frankly I don't think 10 of the remaining 11 nations have covered themselves in glory either, so kick 'em all out. Who does that leave? Oooh yes: Slovenia. What's first prize in the office draw? £160? Paaarty.
Turkey v Belgium. Ah God, it was like that scene in the Thorn Birds when Richard Chamberlain and yer one were reunited on the beach - it'd go through ya. Yes, Gilesie and Eamo are back together again after, as the Apres Match lads revealed, Eamo played away with Tosh Toshack and Gilesie had a far-post fling with Chippy Brady.
Happy and all as he was to be back with his one true and first love Gilesie was a bit pre-occupied with his debut in his Big Comfy Network Two Armchair, out of which he kept sliding in a floorwards direction for the first five minutes of the programme. But those who remember his playing days will know that Gilesie never remained out of position for long so, true to form, he composed himself, wrapped his left elbow around the left arm of the BCNTA and anchored himself there. Adaptable and versatile, our Gilesie.
We're not claiming all's 110 per cent with the relationship (Eamo provocatively reminisced about some of Gilesie's "if you can't get the man get the ball" career tackles) but we think they'll be okay. It's a love thing, after all.
The match? Oh yeah. Turkey abandoned their attractive football policy near the end of the first half and tried a Garryowen. It worked, Filip De Wilde's goalkeeping didn't: 1-0. "There's something in their heads and I dunno what it is," said Gilesie of the Turks at half-time. But they went on to win 2-0 and Belgium are out. There is a God up there, after all.
