Horror movies prove apt comparison

TV VIEW NEW ZEALAND v IRELAND:SLAUGHTER, EMBARRASSING, thrashed and horrow show are just some of the words and phrases used by the print media in describing Ireland's 66-28 defeat to New Zealand at New Plymouth. It was car crash television as the All Blacks simply vaporised their opponents.

It seems an appropriate analogy because the initial feeling was one of shock, from the moment Jamie Heaslip saw red, swiftly followed by Ronan O’Gara’s yellow, as we watched a team in green end up black and blue.

The carnage extended to broken bones (John Muldoon) but the collateral damage will take longer to heal. The remainder of the tour has the potential to make a hardened film censor blanch. It’s strictly about survival.

The portents for Ireland's blackwash were ominous from the pre-game anthems. Shaskeen Reel, a four-piece, scarf-wearing combo, turned Ireland's Callinto a mournful dirge while the square-jawed Jud Arthur offered a more passionate rendition of God Defend New Zealand.

The Sky cameras dwelt on wild-eyed New Zealand replacement scrumhalf Piri Weepu who led the haka with a fiery zeal. The passion was evidently one-sided. Prior to the match studio analysts Paul Wallace, Michael Lynagh and Sean Fitzpatrick were in no doubt about the eventual winners but even the latter couldn’t have envisaged what was about to transpire.

Commentator Mark Robson was forced to broaden the lexicon of words associated with disaster to avoid repetition. He initially sought refuge in horror films, a particularly apt choice for Irish viewers, in describing Rob Kearney’s unfortunate loss of control of the ball on the ground that led to New Zealand’s first try as an “Amityville Horror moment”.

He stayed largely in that genre, talking about Ireland having their “gizzards ripped from them”, in describing yet another All Black try. Seated alongside him, former Wales wing Ieuan Evans was guilty of stating the obvious, bringing little insight in tactical or technical terms. Most viewers could recognise the Irish corpse and it wasn’t as if an autopsy was required to determine the cause of death.

In returning to the studio at half-time, one quick look at Wallace’s face was enough to confirm he would welcome questions in the same vein as he would embrace haemorrhoids.

But instead of a glib overview, he delved into the specifics of Ireland’s problems. He referred to their passivity in defence as primary in terms of the problems they were experiencing.

Pointing to the lack of line speed defensively, Wallace explained, in simply terms, the shortcomings of such a gambit against the All Blacks: it was all S-bends and soak defence without a plumber in sight.

Unusually for Sky, when it came to the video evidence of Heaslip’s sending off, the pictures were inconclusive in terms of what connection the Ireland number eight made with Richie McCaw or any other New Zealander.

That’s not to quibble about the intent: raising his knee twice in the manner in which he did makes it irrelevant, in terms of the red card, whether there was contact; but contact will become relevant in terms of the disciplinary process.

Fitzpatrick’s lack of animation dates back to his playing days but the monotone of his interval and post-match analysis hinted at someone who didn’t for one moment consider Ireland were about to reverse a trend that stretches back over 100 years.

Lynagh offered his views with a shrug, possibly waiting until Australia have had a chance to dine on what remains of the Irish carcass in a fortnight’s time.

Before that, Ireland must stand nose-to-nose with the New Zealand Maori, television pictures that may need reclassification.