TV View: "Look, it's only a futbol match," said the exasperated Vicente Berasategui, Argentina's ambassador to Britain, but Sky News' Kay Burley was having none of it. By then, three minutes in to the interview, she had already mentioned too-many- to-count reasons why the nations should regard the kick-about in Sapporo as a resumption of bloody, brutal hostilities. She didn't actually mention the war, but you could sniff the Falklands.
"What about what happened last time, when Beckham got sent off," she said. Accusingly.
"That was a decision of the referee, it was an incident in a game but not more than that," he sighed.
"Alf Ramsey called Argentine players animals," she said, like he'd said it on Tuesday, prompting Berasategui to roll his eyes in a heavenly direction.
"The whole of England was completely devastated when we lost on penalties in 1998," she continued. Was she asking for an apology? "I'm sure there were celebrations in Argentina," she alleged.
Berasategui assumed so, but couldn't be sure: "I was in my previous post in Denmark at the time."
By now Berasategui could be seen whispering to a figure off camera. "Will I be covered by diplomatic immunity if I put my fut through the camera," he was very probably inquiring. Finally, he was asked for a prediction.
"It could go either way, or it could be a draw," he said. Diplomats, eh?
"Or it could go to penalties, couldn't it," said Burley, before her producer screamed in to her ear-piece. "Perhaps not quite at this stage," she corrected herself.
"Riiiiight," Berasategui smiled, "I see that you are very well informed about futbol". One-nil to the ambassador.
The theme, though, was maintained on ITV when they came on air, bright and early, for the Sweden v Nigeria game. First we were treated to a montage of Argies diving and hacking down English players, with the inevitable climax Diego's hand pass over Peter Shilton's outstretched perm. They'd even got Sven-Goran Eriksson in on the act. "They are being very hard on sheeting in this World Cup," he said. Nudge. Wink. Get yer meaning, Sven: cheating Argies beware.
Over in the "Naughty Corner", as Gabby Logan has dubbed the area usually occupied by Gazza, Clive Allen and Ally McCoist perused the morning papers. Gabby showed them the front page of the Daily Mirror which featured a picture of Sven and the words of Abba's The Winner Takes It All.
"Sven's got to get his team to take a chance, take a chance, take a take a chance, chance, chance," said Ally, to which Gabby replied "if you change your mind, I'll be the next in line". To which the audience replied "Thank you for the Beeb, for giving it to me".
Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen and Martin O'Neill on duty - with Ian Wright. The Beeb's attempt at man-marking Gazza? Probably. Hansen was "tingling with anticipation", Wrightie was anticipating tingles and Marto wore that expression that says: "Honest, I am excited, it's not my fault that my face doesn't show it."
Over on RTÉ, Eamo, Rayo (Houghto) and Gilesie were telling Billo that there was as much chance of England beating Argentina as there is of Saudi Arabia qualifying for the second round. Having studied the England line-up, Eamo felt the time was right to pay tribute to Sven: "This guy's an idiot".
"He's a PR man. If he thought it would go down well with the public he'd play you Bill." Bill limbered up, just in case.
"And if little Ortega gets one on one with Sol Campbell, Sol might run out of stadium," said Eamo. And "playing Danny Mills is a criminal offence".
"I tell you something," warned Bill, "you're going to have an awful lot of rationalising to do if England win." Huh. As if.
Back to Sapporo. Lovely to see the supporters of both countries showing some unity: they loudly booed each other national anthems.
Penalty. England. Goal. Half-time. "Which of you is going to eat humble pie," chuckled Billo. "I'll go first, Bill," said Gilesie, manfully, while Eamo and Rayo sheepishly peered out from under their fringes.
Second half. Against Sweden England played like Leicester City, against Argentina they played like, well, the Argentina we once knew. Paul Scholeso. Nicky Buttindinho. Rio Ferdinando. Jeez, even Danny Millsetta. Spooky .
Full-time. Garth Crooks interviewed an hysterical Sven. "I am very pleased, of course," he said.
Gary was a touch more expressive. "It was almost like watching Brazil," he said of England's performance. "Don't get carried away," advised Hansen.
Wrightie wasn't impressed by Al's attempt at keeping a lid on the frenzy. Over a clip of England stringing 17 passes together he declared: "If Brazil done this Al, you'd be creaming." Hmm.
"Ian, please - this is lunchtime," warned Gary, while Wrightie giggled uproariously.
"You did say 'dreaming', didn't you," asked Gary.
"Yes, I said 'dreaming'," Wrightie fibbed. Meanwhile. Switchboard. Lit. Up.
Back on RTÉ, an unrepentant Eamo warned Billo that England would be all over him "like a rash" the next few days. "It'll be King David, King Sven, Tony Blair and Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land - by the time you're finished this World Cup, Bill boy, you'll be sick of those guys."
An apologetic Gilesie, though, admitted the panel had got it wrong. "He wants to be RTÉ's golf correspondent now," said Eamo.
"No - Grand Prix correspondent," insisted Gilesie, "I know even less about golf."
"Ray'll do the tennis, I'll do the hurling," said Eamo.
Never mind lads; remember, it was only a futbol match. Nobody died. Nothing died. Except Berasategui's desire to remain as ambassador to Britain.
