TV View/Mary Hannigan: One minute and 40 seconds to go. Precisely. Dublin lead 0-5 to 0-4. Looking good. But . . . free to Mayo. In it's pumped. Diane O'Hora plucks it from the air. "Maigh Eooooooo," says TG4 commentator Brian Tyers, with such anticipation, expectation, hope, belief, enthusiasm, passion, zeal and excitement he almost sucked the flippin' ball into the net.
Which is where it ended up.
"Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuul," he noted, objectively.
"Diane O'Hooooooora," he added, dispassionately.
"Maigh Eoooooooooooo," he concluded, objectively, when the final whistle blew.
Áth Cliath: robbed again.
Well, okay, they weren't robbed. And, no, Brian Tyers wasn't actually discriminatory in his commentary. It was just one of these things, along the lines of: there's only so much this blue-and-navy-trimmed couch can take.
It's been a rough GAA year. Yes, Dublin triumphed magnificently, marvellously, superbly and brilliantly in the under-21 final against Tyrone, completing a disappointing year for the Ulster county (huh), but yesterday's showpiece on TG4 was meant to wash all those senior years of hurt away.
All week it was Cora Staunton this, Cora Staunton that. Magician, genius, godlike, tremendously good. Yes, she's all of those, and lots, lots more, but less of your threats. "Have you a plan to stop Cora?" TG4's Micheál Ó Domhnaill asked Dublin bainisteoir Mick Bohan before the game. "We have," said Mick, with a promising smile. Cora wouldn't be a problem, then. Except she was. Peter Canavan's not worthy. Full-time. That trophy looked comfily at home in her arms.
The only problem? Some of us were put off Irish by Peig Sayers. It's not that we weren't compassionate, but there's only so many children you can lose before you begin to ask: did you ever think of not sleeping with your husband? By the time Peig was 14, nine of her brothers and sisters had died, which was very sad, but not sad enough to inspire some of us to wake from our slumber, pay attention, and learn some Irish.
So, the only on-screen TG4 caption some of us understood yesterday was "Staitisticí". Granted, we could have been on the wrong track entirely, it could have meant "East German secret police in the days before the Berlin Wall came down", but this couch confidently reckoned Peig would have translated the word as "statistics". When she wasn't busy attending funerals, that is.
Waterford's Deirdre Breathnach analysed the game for Micheál, while holding an umbrella over his head, leaving us, once again, feeling left out. We think she said, "Why does it always rain on us - when the lads have had unbroken sunshine since May?" but TG4 provided no subtitles so we're not sure.
Anyway, Maigh Eooooooo won. As did Donegal in a terrific junior final. TG4 covered both. Beautifully. High-pitched howling from the crowd through both games, suggesting young girls made up the bulk of the crowd. Glorious. Roll on the day the faces of Mayo's Cora Staunton and Donegal's Maureen O'Donnell replace J Lo on Irish kiddies' bedroom walls.
Rangers v Celtic. "It's a difficult game to analyse because, basically, there's no pattern, no formula, no real flow - what they do is line up and charge at each other and, after 20 minutes, somebody throws the ball on," as Alan Hansen said on the BBC.
"You cannot take your eyes off the game, like a one-eyed cat in a fish shop," said Mark Lawrenson. "What?" said Gary Lineker's face.
If you thought Celtic won 1-0 because of genius Martin O'Neill tactics you thought wrong. Rangers failed to score because: "I've got a little quiz question," said Lineker. "How many games do you think it is since Rangers last failed to score here at Ibrox in a Scottish league game?" Furrowed brows. "107," he declared. "Well, we're guaranteed goals, then," said Hansen. But not a Rangers goal. God is, after all, good.
Meanwhile. It's probably sub judice, but RTÉ commentator Darragh Moloney was allegedly heard to say last week (during Manchester United's Champions League game against Stuttgart): "Paul Scholes with four players in front of him - five, if you count Gary Neville."
As slurs go that beats all. Gary is a unique footballer, as is David Seaman. As one of the new captains on They Think It's All Over he is, well, remarkable. Rory McGrath offered Dave a clue to help him identify Uriah Rennie: "English referee, his second name is an indigestion tablet." "Eh . . . Paul Durcan," said Dave, after considerable thought.
As presenter Nick Hancock quipped: "next time I have indigestion I'll go in to my chemist and ask for a packet of, um, Durcans."
