Paul Gallaghertakes a hypothetical look at how a case might be made for Darren Clarke to receive a wild card pick.
All rise. The case before today's court is being made for Darren Clarke's inclusion in the European Ryder Cup team as one of Nick Faldo's wild card picks.
Judge: And who will be representing you Mr Clarke?
Clarke: My oul mate Lee. He knows my game better than anyone, your honour.
Judge: And who will be representing you, Mr Poulter?
Poulter: Myself, of course.
Judge: Very well, proceed.
Westwood: Darren epitomises the saying 'form is temporary but class is permanent'. He proved that class once again by winning last week's KLM Open, his second European Tour win of the season after also winning the BMW Asian Open in Shanghai back in April. If captain Nick is looking for form and class, he will find it in abundance in my client. The fact is we need players like him in the Ryder Cup team and what he has achieved in recent weeks make him impossible to ignore.
Poulter: That's all well and good but if it's form, and style, you're looking for then I'm your man. Don't get me wrong, Darren has been a wonderful asset to the European team since his breakthrough at Valderrama in 1997 under Seve. But who is the only player capable of getting the team uniforms correctly colour co-ordinated for the week? Me, of course. Darren may try his best in those big, bold outfits but we know there's only one style guru strutting the fairways these days. In fact, I could kit the lads out. I have my own clothing range, you know?
Westwood: Sure, but you get dressed in the dark. Your honour, can we not waste time and get back to matters golf. Darren has played in every Ryder Cup since 1997 and been on the winning team in four out of five contests. In fact the last two were won by record margins (18.5-9.5 both times) and my client played monumental roles both times - particularly at The K Club - winning six-and-a-half points from a possible eight in the last two encounters.
Besides, what's a Ryder Cup without at least three Irishmen these days?
What my client overcame and achieved at the K Club, in recording maximum points, was a much greater feat than simply winning a game of golf. His efforts were truly heroic, they not only inspired a team but an entire nation. That's the type of individual we need on our team.
Poulter: Do you not know I'm the second best golfer in the world, surely that must count for something?
And if we're bringing form into this debate, who was it that pushed Pádraig all the way at British Open last month. It certainly wasn't Darren, his time in the wilderness meant he wasn't even on the radar, let alone the Birkdale field, such was his lowly ranking.
I pushed Pádraig down the stretch, I demonstrated the sort of competitive desire and patriotic fist-pumping ways that Nick so obviously needs on his team.
Westwood: Your honour, it is no surprise my good friend Darren asked me to represent him and though I may show a certain bias, the facts speak for themselves. Since 1999 I have teamed up and played with Darren on no less than eight occasions and won six of those matches, including taking the scalps of Messrs Woods, Mickelson and Furyk.
In the opening day foursomes at Brookline in 1999 we beat Woods and David Duval, then the two best players in the world. In 2004 at Oakland Hills we went even better to beat Woods and Mickelson in the first day foursomes. Stetson-wearing Hal (Sutton) thought he'd played his trump card putting those two together but we had the measure of them.
Poulter: Blah, blah, blah.
Judge: Pipe down Poulter. And take you feet of the furniture and show this court some respect. Continue.
Poulter: Apologies your honour. If I may interject, even if it be to the detriment of my own case, I'd like it to be known Mr Clarke doesn't win every time he plays Tiger in the Ryder Cup. Why, at Oakland Hills he and I paired up, only to lose 4 and 3 in the second day fourballs against Woods and Chris Riley. Though I did get my own back on Riley, 3 and 2 in the singles.
Westwood: Your only contributing point to date if I recall.
Poulter: That's below the belt, your honour. I know this is a man who can down a pint of Guinness faster than it takes a Welshman to guzzle bubbly on the balcony, only to snotter it all over the gathered masses below, but that was a low blow.
Westwood: Speaking of the K Club, what more can you say. In the face of adversity my client played three matches and won all three points. For me it was simply a privilege to have played alongside Ireland's very own Piped Piper for two of those days in Kildare.
Quite how he kept his emotions in check in that cauldron of pressure was remarkable - hairs on the back of the neck stuff. From ripping his opening tee shot, to that emotional victory (3 and 2) over Zach (Johnson) on Sunday, my client was simply immense throughout. On day one we dumped Mickelson out once more, this time he was alongside Chris (DiMarco). And there was no prowling from Tiger on day two either, for even though he was with Jim 'Mr Consistency' Furyk we still put them to the sword 3 and 2.
You honour, need I go on anymore? Surely this typifies the type of character and leadership captain Nick needs on his team. My client is the true backbone and inspiration of any team.
Montgomerie: . . . now if it's leadership and inspiration your after, that's got to factor me into the equation.
Judge: Quiet in the pews. Sure, you've been quite the General Montgomerie down the years, but your form of late would hardly inspire the scouts, let alone the troops in the heat of battle in Valhalla. In any case, this isn't your hearing and let's be honest, you've been heard quite enough over the years.
Poulter: If we're widening the net, your honour, then why not consider one of my compatriots like Paul 'Popeye' Casey. He's had recent top 10 finishes at the Open, the BMW and the WGC Bridgestone and a top 15 at the US PGA. That's genuine form. Plus he's good at hole-in-ones in Ryder Cups.
So, if it's not going to be me, I think Nick must look no further than my chum Paul for one of his wildcard picks. He's the sort of dedicated type who will stand up for the cause.
Westwood: Dedication? How can you of all people speak of dedication? You're off chasing the coin on the FedEx gravy train this week rather than staying to fight for your place at Gleneagles. Where's the dedication in that?
Judge: Is there something we should know Mr Poulter? Have you in any way received indication that your name is already on one of those wild cards?
Poulter: Absolutely not, your honour.
Judge: Ah, captain Faldo, glad you could join us. We're just about done here. Can you shed any light on this conundrum?
Faldo: I'll let you know about 6pm on Sunday.
Darren Clarke: Ryder Cup History
1997 Valderrama, Spain
Day One: Did Not Play
Day Two: Morning Fourball
Darren Clarke / Colin Montgomerie defeated Fred Couples / Davis Love III (1 hole)
Day Three: Singles
Clarke lost to Phil Mickelson (2 and 1)
Total 1/2
1999 The Country Club, Brookline
Day One: Morning Foursomes
Clarke / Lee Westwood lost to Hal Sutton / Jeff Maggert (3 and 2)
Afternoon foursomes
Clarke / Westwood defeated Tiger Woods / David Duval (1 hole)
Day Two: Morning Foursomes
Clarke / Westwood defeated Mark O'Meara / Jim Furyk (3 and 2)
Afternoon Fourballs
Clarke / Westwood lost to Mickelson / Tom Lehman (2 and 1)
Day Three: Singles
Clarke lost to Sutton (4 and 2)
Total 2/5
2002 The Belfry, England
Day One: Morning Fourball
Clarke / Thomas Bjorn defeated Woods / Paul Azinger (1 hole)
Afternoon Foursomes
Clarke / Bjorn lost to Sutton / Scott Verplank (2 and 1)
Day Two: Morning Foursomes
Clarke / Bjorn lost to Woods / Love (4 and 3)
Afternoon Fourball
Clarke / Paul McGinley halved with Scott Hoch / Furyk
Day Three: Singles
Clarke halved with Duval
Total 2/5
2004 Oakland Hills, Michigan
Day One: Morning fourball
Clarke / Miguel-Angel Jimenez defeated Love III / Chad Campbell (5 and 4)
Afternoon Foursomes
Clarke / Westwood defeated Mickelson / Woods (1 hole)
Day Two: Morning Fourballs
Clarke / Ian Poulter lost to Woods / Chris Riley (4 and 3)
Afternoon Foursomes
Clarke / Westwood defeated Jay Haas / Chris DiMarco (5 and 4)
Day Three: Singles
Clarke halved with Love III
Total 3.5/5
2006 The K-Club, Ireland
Day One: Morning Fourballs
Clarke / Westwood defeated Mickelson and DiMarco (1 hole)
Day Two: Morning Fourballs
Clarke / Westwood defeated Woods / Furyk (3 and 2)
Day Three: Singles
Clarke defeated Zach Johnson (3 and 2)
Total 3/3
Overall Total 11.5/20
