THE art of getting us sporting viewers worked up into a state of frenzied excitement - even if there really isn't anything to get excited about - was mastered a long time ago by Sky's Richard Keys. Others, like novice Gary Lineker, are only learning their trade but Bob Wilson, who's been trying for years, is still getting nowhere. Then there's Bill Merchant who just doesn't care enough to want to learn.
"It could yet be the sort of evening when you're proud to say `I was there'," said Richard, as only Richard could, on Wednesday night at the beginning of Sky's coverage of the Ian Wright v Peter Schmeichel contest (which, at times, featured 20 other Arsenal and Manchester United players).
Meanwhile. "The rain is just keeping off and we hope that the sheep will behave themselves. The course is the same as usual," said Bill `I couldn't give a toss whether you enjoy this or not' Merchant grumpily last Monday when he introduced The Grampian Sheepdog Trials on Channel Four (which is aired at around five in the morning, a time, traditionally, when it's harder to pull in the viewing millions).
Well that kind of attitude is just not good enough Bill. Could you imagine Richard being that boring on Wednesday night? "The rain is just keeping off and we hope that Ian Wright and Peter Schmeichel will behave themselves. The pitch is the same as usual." No.
Bill couldn't even bring himself to get excited when fellow presenter Robbie Shepherd (no kiddin', his name is Shepherd) introduced the highlight of the entire 25 minutes, the "Guess The Weight Of The Sheep" competition when we were shown a picture of a strapping ewe. When Don King and Frank Warren awake to the commercial possibilities of sheepdog trials and help herald the age of pay-per-ewe television, Boring Bill will find himself out of a job and he'll only have himself to blame.
Unlike Bill, ITV's Bob Wilson does at least make an effort to get us excited, it's not his fault that he's not very good at it. There he was on Wednesday night, with a Richard Keys-like script prepared for the live coverage of Stockport County v Middlesbrough ("we were all looking forward to a terrific cup tie . . . a classic cup tie. . . a David and Goliath cup tie"), when referee David Elleray called the match off because he wanted to see the Arsenal v Man United on Sky.
Bob tearfully bade us farewell, introduced the film Class Action and then legged it to the nearest pub to watch the big game with David.
Bob's successor on the BBC's Football Focus, Gary Lineker, is hoping, in time, to become one of television's great sports presenters. He has a problem deciding which camera he should talk to (we spend most of the programme looking in his ear) but, that aside, he's making progress.
Last Saturday, he made a valiant attempt to get his guest, Ray Wilkins, to say something risque, even a tad controversial, on various topics but better men than Gary have tried that and failed before.
Ray is, without fear of contradiction, the nicest man on the planet. "The Crab" they used to call him during his days at Manchester United because he never offended opposing defences by actually moving forward with the ball.
Gary tried to work Ray up into a frenzy by showing him Ian Wright's two-footed lunge at Peter Schmeichel. But it didn't work. "It was a shocker wasn't it," asked Gary.
"It wasn't the best tackle I've seen. They obviously don't get on, it would be very pleasant if they could get on. I think it is time for the two chaps to get together and have a chinwag," said Rowdy Ray.
Gary tried again. Was there a big problem of racism amongst footballers in England? "Certainly not," replied Ray. Okay, what about wishing ill on the career of a current football manager so that Ray could get a job. That didn't work either.
"The very, very sad thing about football management, Gary, is that you have to wait for somebody to lose their job, which is a very sad state of affairs, but that's our life. Hopefully, one day I'll have another bash," he said, nicely.
"Oh, I'm sure you will and we wish you well when you do," said Gary (who seems positively mean and nasty when he's sitting beside Ray).
"Thank you very much," said Ray
"Thanks for coming in today."
"My pleasure Gary."
One job Ray might have a chance of securing in the very near future is the one currently held by Steve Gritt, manager of Brighton, who are bottom of the entire football league. Not that that stops the McCaffrey family, Alison, Tom and their 13-year-old son, Paul, from travelling the length and breadth of England to support their beloved Seagulls.
On Monday's Sky Sports Centre we saw the family set off on a 724-mile round-trip (the previous Saturday) to see the team play Carlisle and we wondered why. "Do you think they'll win?" asked reporter Guy Havord of young Paul.
"No," he replied. (Paul has seen a lot of Brighton this season).
Up at 4.30 a.m. Boarded their coach at 5.30 a.m. Stopped for breakfast at 9.30 a.m. on the M40. Arrived at Carlisle's Brunton Park at 2.00 p.m. (escorted by one policeman on a motorbike). By 3.20 p.m., their team were 2-0 down. By 4.45 p.m. they'd only lost 2-1. A good result in life of Brighton FC. Home at 12.30 a.m. - 20 hours and 724 miles later.
Apart from a few league points and the odd miracle, what bankrupt Brighton really need to get them out of trouble is help from a friendly bank - former New Zealand cricketer Richard Hadlee might just be the man to put in a good word for them. Richard, who was master of ceremonies at the end of the third test between New Zealand and England on Monday night (live on Sky Sports), now works for the Bank of New Zealand. And how, pray, does one know that? Just a wild guess.
"Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Bank of New Zealand it's my pleasure to present the Bank of New Zealand trophy but before I do that I'd just like to say a few words on behalf of the Bank of New Zealand.
