Zigic fails to measure up: His transfer fund is burning a hole in his pocket but so far Harry Redknapp has been able to spend only a fraction of it, most of his targets remaining elusive. And some of them proved to be downright useless, according to the Portsmouth gaffer.

After having a look at Red Star's 6ft 8in striker Nikola Zigic, during their Champions League qualifier against Cork City, Harry wiped his name from his list. "He was the tallest bloke on the pitch by a yard, but never won a single header all night," he said. "They were asking £5 million for him. Afterwards, his agent came up to me and said, 'I don't think £5 million will buy him'. "I replied, 'I know, I'm one of them'." But, judging by the photo (below), Zigic is still, thankfully, attracting some interest.

Not knowing your right from left

Either Jose Mourinho's assistant Steve Clarke isn't big in to researching players Chelsea are about to sign or else Jose keeps him in the dark. His comment on the club's latest new boy, Dutch defender Khalid Boulahrouz: "I think he's right-footed."

Quotes of the week

"I haven't laughed so much since Ma caught her tits in the mangle."

- The lovely Ken Bates on hearing that Chelsea had reported him to the FA for suggesting that the club were behaving "like a bunch of shysters from Siberia".

"I think it would be a little bit of a travesty, certainly on the back of what I did last year, if some sort of Hollywood-type showbiz keeper with a massive ego came in and played just because he's a big name."

- Dean Kiely welcomes David James to Portsmouth.

"It could be an important shirt to have in the future, that. It'll be like Hitler's helmet."

- Oxford manager Jim Smith after his players fought over Cristiano Ronaldo's shirt after the friendly with Manchester United.

"I know our targets and, like the Canadian Mounties, sooner or later we will get our man. But I wouldn't like to say when."

- Reading manager Steve Coppell on his hunt for new players.

"At the moment we've only got 16 first-team players and my initials stand for Mick McCarthy, not Merlin the Magician."

- And, indeed, McCarthy's expected to pull a rabbit out of a hat at Wolves this season, in the form of promotion.

"I have no regrets, but it is a big surprise to me because he cancelled his contract to go abroad. Have you sold Portsmouth to a foreign country? No."

- Arsene Wenger, surprised to hear Sol Campbell had joined foreign club Portsmouth.

Chant of the week

"Two more, he only needs two more."

- As chanted at Graham Poll after he gave Kolo Toure a yellow card in the Arsenal v Aston Villa game.

Some things never change

When Gordon Strachan turned up at Norwich City's pre-season friendly against Falkirk there was a bit of an assumption that he was there to do a deal for Darren Huckerby, the player he used to manage at Coventry. Not so, Strachan  insisted: "I just went along to see him, to see how many times he was caught offside - and he didn't let me down." Ouch.

More quotes of the week

"Grimsby was a really bad place to live. The town was really old and there wasn't much to do there. It was full of fishermen and it smelled of fish all the time. It was not a very nice place to be and I prefer the smell of London."

- Thomas Pinault, relieved to have left Grimsby for a more fragrant plaice (ie Brentford).

"You only have to fart in the box to concede a penalty these days."

- Leeds's Kevin Blackwell, suggesting his defenders are a little windy.

"I am very happy here in Munich playing for the best team in Europe . . . unless Real Madrid make Bayern an offer for me."

- Lucio, fully committed to Bayern. Ish.

"Daniel Levy was behind the deal that took Michael Carrick to Tottenham. It certainly wasn't that French manager, he didn't know Michael Carrick from Michael Jackson."

- Harry Redknapp on former Spurs manager Jacques Santini, who reckoned Carrick wasn't worth £18, never mind £18 million.

"People ask me if I will miss playing with Michael Carrick but I think he will miss playing with me."

- Edgar Davids doesn't seem to think he's worth £18 million either.

"I've left the biggest club in London to come to the biggest club in the Midlands."

- Elliott Ward . . . after his move from West Ham to Coventry City. Cough.

Vlad the Impaler

You might recall that there was rarely a dull moment at Hearts last season, thanks largely to the exploits and utterances of owner Vladimir Romanov. We're happy to report that he's off again, this time paying tribute to midfielder Lee Johnson, who left the club for Bristol City last week.

After his departure Johnson claimed that Romanov meddles in managerial affairs to the point where he often picks the team and decides on substitutions. "It is good when the enemies and the jealous call my subordinates puppets," Romanov responded.

"When I was on duty on the nuclear submarine K19, I was proud of being a puppet in the hands of my commander. I am still proud of it today. I don't know what kind of experiment Graham Rix (the former Hearts manager) had in mind when taking Lee Johnson on. He did not manage to explain it. As a footballer he has no value. This was proved by the fact that nobody was prepared to pay a penny for him and we were even asked to pay money to get rid of him."

As for Johnson's somewhat bizarre revelation that striker Edgaras Jankauskas placed his finger in a machine which predicted that he would pull a hamstring if he played in the next game. "Perhaps Lee was jealous of Jankauskas placing his finger in equipment to ascertain his health. However, it would have been better for the man now at Bristol City to have placed his tongue there to ascertain his suitability to speak." Quality.

No sooner said than forgotten

"I know quite a bit about Newcastle, they're one of the best-supported teams in the Premier League and a typical English club. I would consider a move to Liverpool . . . but my first choice is Newcastle."

- Dirk Kuyt speaking on August 15th.

"For me, Liverpool is sure to be the dream club I was looking for. There was more interest from abroad, but for me there was nothing of the calibre of Liverpool, a brilliant club with an enormous reputation."

- Dirk Kuyt speaking on August 18th.