"You made your mother cry," read the front page of Portuguese newspaper 24Horas yesterday, beside a picture of a despondent Figo. The paper claimed that Figo and Portugal's performance against Greece had his ma in tears as she watched the game in his café-bar in Vilamoura.
Ma Figo's sad café
Perhaps, but Planet Football, having once visited the very same establishment, reckons it was very probably the bill at the end of her visit that had Ma Figo in floods.
New meaning to FA
English FA chief executive Mark Palios was, according to a Private Eye reader, on BBC Radio 5 recently expressing his desire for football to attract more female players and supporters. "Women are a large cross-section of society and that is a section of society we would very much like to penetrate," he declared. Quite.
Good news for Palios, though - women are still hopelessly poorly represented in one section of English football life: hooliganism. In fact, of the 2,700 travel banning orders issued before Euro 2004 only five went to women, including a 16-year-old Bournemouth supporter who assaulted a policeman.
Anyway, the Sunday People quoted a male football hooligan, Chris from north London, on this very issue yesterday and, by the sounds of it, he objects passionately to this inequality. "The weaker sex? Don't make me laugh," he laughed. "Women can be nastier and cleverer than most of us blokes. I wouldn't tangle with some of the ones I see at England games." Nice to see the glass ceiling sagging in the middle.
Euro talk
"Holland's chances depend on the various personalities putting themselves at the service of the team - that's why I don't expect them to reach the semi-finals."
- Former Dutch coach Louis van Gaal, still scarred by all those squabbles.
"You just can't replace Michael Owen, because you need a Michael Owen to replace Michael Owen."
- Kenny Dalglish on the seemingly irreplaceable Michael Owen (Dangerhere.com).
"Obviously, those asked were too young to remember the pain we had to endure the last time England won something."
- Denis Law, on being told that 59 per cent of Scottish people questioned for an opinion poll said they wanted England to do well at Euro 2004.
"This is not just about football history, it is about real history and what went on 60 years ago."
- Ruud van Nistelrooy previewing Holland v Germany, proving (a) that he has a long memory and (b) that he's up for it.
"He loves us and we love him."
- Greece's Giannakopoulos on the players' relationship with coach Otto Rehhagel. Aaah.
Nein, mein hair
It has long been alleged that German footballers, through history, have possessed world football's dodgiest hairdos, although, as far as we can remember, Chris Waddle was English. You'd imagine, then, that a German hairdresser would stand up for his boys. Nope. Michael Jung, quoted in yesterday's Observer, had some harsh things to say about the Euro 2004 squad's tresses, going so far as to suggest Rudi Völler's boys shouldn't be allowed out in public.
Michael Ballack - "Half-long hair is definitely in but, please, not with a parting in the middle; it just makes him look like an ice-cream seller." Miroslav Klose - "What he has on his head is, technically, the worst haircut I have ever seen. He looks like a teenage churchgoer." Oliver Kahn - "He looks as if he has glass fibres on his head. Horrendous. It is neither fish nor meat." Neither fish nor meat?
Lost in translation
Exchange between Marcel Desailly and an English football reporter at a press conference last week: Marcel Desailly: "I'm not playing (against England)."
Reporter: "So you're not playing?" Desailly: "No, I'm not playing." Reporter: "So you're not playing?" Desailly: "No, I'm really not playing." Reporter: "What? You're not playing?" Desailly: "I didn't realise my English was this bad."
More Euro talk
"The emotion in Holland is high and we all know this."
- Ruud van Nistelrooy. That's what you get from liberal drug laws.
"We'll see at the end who has the right idea."
- Italy's Christian Panucci, who's preparing for today's game against Denmark by sipping red wine and chilling out. Denmark, meanwhile, are preparing by playing golf. We're with Christian.
"I want a club that will offer me the conditions to be the best player in the world. I would never leave Porto to join Atletico Madrid for example."
- Portugal's Deco, reportedly Chelsea-bound, says a big hello to Real Madrid.
"No!"
- Portuguese newspaper A Bola's rather concise response to Saturday's setback against Greece.
"Dear readers, the good news is that it is impossible to get any worse than this."
- A Bola attempts to offer some comfort to Portuguese supporters.
"I picked Patrick Kluivert (before) because he was good in practice but some players are good in practice and not in matches."
- Dutch coach Dick Advocaat. Are you getting the feeling Kluivert's out of favour?
Reverse tactics
You'd imagine, having hired him as one of their co-commentators, that ITV would be affording Bobby Robson a bit of deference, instead of pointing out that he sometimes gets, well, confused. On their website they reported that a journalist gave Robson a Pundits' XI, composed of ITV and BBC Euro 2004 analysts, and asked him to comment on the selection.
"I don't like Peter Reid on the left," said Robson, "he could never kick with his left anyway." At this point Robson was informed that he had the team sheet upside down, so he turned it around and resumed studying it "with the same intensity you might imagine him applying to his Newcastle team sheet". Love ya, Bobby!
