If you're lucky enough to find yourself in or around St Jakob Park on Saturday don't, whatever you do, make the same mistake as Liverpool stewards at a Champions League game last year.
Despite being tipped off in advance by The Observer that she couldn't be missed - i.e. she would sport an "unfeasibly orange tan (think Big Ron and multiply by 100) and garish red-and-blue nail polish" - the Anfield stewards failed to recognise the tremendously rich Gisela "Gigi" Oeri, vice-president and patron of FC Basel (their very own Roman Abramovich), and insisted on her proving she was who she said she was before they'd let her in.
An angry Oeri was so insulted she vowed Basel would knock Liverpool out of the Champions League. Which they duly did. So, if you want to go to Portugal take no chances - if you bump into anyone with an unfeasibly orange tan in Basel, say: "tis yourself, Gigi, an honour to meet you."
Befuddled durch technik
More internet-translation trouble on our part. This time our multilingual website declared: "Swiss-German into English? No problem."
So we gave it the task of translating Swiss newspaper Blick's listing of the Irish squad. Amongst the names that popped up were goalkeepers Nod Colgan of "Stick Haven" (Stockport, to you and me) and Joe Murphy of "West Bromine Yielded", "Marks of Kinsella", who plays for "Aston Mansion" and sounds a bit lordly to us, and, best of all, Leeds left-back Ian "Hard One".
That was even before we read of Hakan Yakin's injury, a "thick foot" by all accounts. "It prevails to Haki alarm," read the translation. "Hakan Yakin's cap volume tear brings Köbi Kuhn into bad personnel emergency.
"'On Tuesday or Wednesday we will have clarity whether of medical reasons an employment chance consists. Hook to injury is however no trifle,' explained the Swiss coach." If Yakin misses the Irish game "Kuhn will probably deviate from its rhombus arrangement in the centre zone".
We hope you're taking notes, Brian Kerr, because we're fairly sure you never came up against a rhombus arrangement in the centre zone in your entire career.
Meanwhile, young Marco Streller received his first senior call-up for the game. "With his physical operational readiness level and his torso-stunk also in the national team the future belongs to it," boasted Kuhn.
Mario Cantaluppi, though, missed out on selection because his "foot joint does not permit frequent employments and multiple loads". We know the feeling Mario, we know the feeling.
Play the whistle, lads
The omens for Saturday? Well, not great if you look at precedents in Basel. The nations' sole meeting in the city, back in May 1935, was decided by a single goal. According to Donal Cullen's splendid record of Irish games (Ireland - On The Ball) "a breakaway by Amado resulted in a cross to Kielholz, who looked to be well offside . . . The winger must have thought so too because he hesitated . . . Leo Dunne picked the ball up and, to the amazement of the players, the referee awarded a penalty, which was tucked away by Swiss captain Weiler".
PREVIOUS MEETINGS
May 5, 1935 Basle Friendly Lost 0-1
March 17, 1936 Dalymount Park Friendly Won 1-0
May 17, 1937 Berne Friendly Won 1-0
Sept 18, 1938 Dalymount Park Friendly Won 4-0
Dec 5, 1948 Dalymount Park Friendly Lost 0-1
May 10, 1975 Lansdowne Road ECQ Won 2-1
May 21, 1975 Berne ECQ Lost 0-1
April 30, 1980 Lansdowne Road Friendly Won 2-0
June 2, 1985 Lansdowne Road WCQ Won 3-0
Sept 11, 1985 Berne WCQ Drew 0-0
March 25, 1992 Lansdowne Road Friendly Won 2-1
Oct 16, 2002 Lansdowne Road ECQ Lost 1-2
Compiled by Mary Hannigan
