Let the columnist who is without an end-of-the-year or a turn-of-the-century or a pre-millennium list tucked up their sleeve cast the first stone. This has never been a forum afraid to appeal to the lowest common denominator or plumb the depths and there is no reason why the dawn of a new century and advent of the second millennium should make any difference. So here, in all their dubious glory, are the Out Of The North predictions for 2000. Any resemblance to what actually happens in the next 12 months is entirely coincidental.
January: After a plenary session of its International Committee which lasts three days, 17 hours and 25 minutes an Irish Football Association delegation emerges to meet the world media and announce that the new manager of the Northern Ireland football team will be former Meath supremo, Sean Boylan. Details of the interview process are shrouded in secrecy but one source confirms that the Committee was impressed by Boylan's impressive knowledge of a wide range anti-sectarian herbal remedies. "This will be a Northern Ireland team for all the people," Boylan says in his first media briefing. "But obviously we will be concentrating more on the Championship than on the league."
February: As the shock waves generated by the IFA's bold appointment from outside the world of local football continue, a meeting of the North-South ministerial body rules that there should be a reciprocal gesture. As a result Harry Williams leaves his post with the Ulster rugby team to take charge of the Meath footballers. In a controversial move he brings top Ulster goal-kicker Simon Mason with him to bolster the Meath attack. It will be the first of the many astounding changes of sporting code that characterise the new Ireland as the year progresses.
March: Frustrated by the lack of quality, home-grown opposition after winning yet another All-Ireland Club championship, Crossmaglen Rangers GFC decide to follow Manchester United's lead and withdraw from their domestic cup competition. They plan to play in the European and World Club championships instead and secure a lucrative television contract from RTE. "There is a feeling within the club that we have gone as far as we can at home. The only option left for us is to try to raise standards by pitting ourselves against the best Gaelic footballers that countries like Austria and Uruguay have to offer," a club spokesman says. "Plus we won't have to worry about helicopters taking off and landing during games over there."
April: After another dismal season marred by crowd trouble and declining playing standards, the Irish Football League announces a radical blueprint for change. It is the seventh such blueprint in the last two years. A new scoring system, which will run parallel with the traditional, old-fashioned system of adding up the number of goals each side scores, is to be introduced. Bonus points will be awarded to clubs whose fans do not throw missiles on to the field of play, do not try to attack each other with planks and bottles and who finish games with 11 players on the pitch.
May: Controversy dogs the start of the new Ulster Football Championship with traditionalists unhappy at the midweek matches and games played under floodlights. Some semblance of the old order is restored however when Tyrone as usual beat Derry.
June: The local cricket season gets underway to the usual widespread apathy. Spirits are lifted, however, by a succession of big money transfers to the provincial side. In a bold bid to utilise his excellent hand-to-eye co-ordination, Darren Clarke is drafted in to open the batting and the middle order is strengthened by recruits from the Antrim hurling team after they endure yet another early Championship exit. But bowlers continue to be in short supply as the temptations of missile throwing during another summer of street violence prove too much for the most talented young players.
JULY: Lawrie McMenemy makes a dramatic return to local management when he is asked to take charge of the Cavan senior football team. "Obviously it's a great honour for me at my time of life," the former Northern Ireland manger says. "I know people are saying that I'm too old, that I don't know the players, that I'm not familiar with the local game and that I won't be based here full-time. But that wasn't a problem when I took the Northern Ireland job so I don't see why it should be now." After a brief honeymoon period, questions are raised about McMenemy's tactic of persisting with ex-Northern Ireland international, Iain Dowie, at full forward.
August: Minister of Sport, Chris McGimpsey and a cross-party delegation of 43 Assembly members return from a six week fact-finding trip to the Olympic Games in Australia. The Minister rejects claims that this is only the latest in the long line of pointless junkets for which the new Northern Assembly has become famous over the course of the year. "We have learnt a lot and just as soon as we build an athletics stadium, a 50-metre swimming pool, a velodrome, a rowing venue and add 10,000 new hotel beds we should be ideally placed to make a bid for the Games in the near future."
September: The newly-constituted All-Ireland football series ends in uproar as Fermanagh are stripped of their first ever title after the Games Administration Committee finds them guilty of a serious technical infringement. Extensive investigations confirm that the side which beat Antrim in the final did not contain the two members of the new Northern Ireland Police Service now required following April's historic Annual Congress.
October: Champion jockey Tony McCoy continues to dominate National Hunt racing and notches up the quickest ever century during this month. On a rare visit home he then goes through the card at Down Royal winning all six races during the afternoon. The highlight comes during the final three mile chase. Out in front for most of the race there are gasps from the huge crowd when McCoy's mount falls at the last. He quickly assesses the situation, throws the horse over his shoulder and carries him across the line to win the race.
November: Northern Ireland make an impressive start to the World Cup qualifiers under Sean Boylan. The new manager continues to exploit the parentage rule as Kerry's Maurice Fitzgerald and Galway's Ja Fallon make their full international debuts against the Czech Republic at Windsor Park. Northern Ireland win that game and go top of the group thanks to a late Mickey Linden header from a Peter Canavan cross.
December: After a dramatic character transformation, local Formula One driver Eddie Irvine, is the unanimous choice for both Northern Ireland Feminist of the Year and Northern Personality of the Year. It marks the end of 12 months in which Irvine has not made a single derogatory comment about a woman anywhere on the planet or been rude to a single journalist.
