AGAINST THE ODDS:AS HE flicked through the Sunday newspapers, it struck Vinny Fitzpatrick that where the Royal visit was concerned, opinions were like backsides – everyone had one.
For each commentator making soothing noises about being mature and moving on, the next was spouting out firebrand rhetoric about scars of the past and Republicans spinning in their graves at the visit.
“Considering the ‘QE2’, (as he liked to call her), is 85,” thought Vinny, “she’s not a million miles off spinning in a grave herself. If she didn’t pop in for tea this year, she could be popping her clogs the next.”
Vinny knew you could debate non-stop about the rights and wrongs of British rule on Ireland just like the night before in Foley’s where there had been a fiery discourse about the good, the bad and the ugly of the Empire’s legacy.
Not for the first time, Vinny had been wary about hitching support to the Nationalist bandwagon, aware that his paternal grandfather, Cornelius Fitzpatrick, had been a member of the Royal Irish Constabulary – something which didn’t sit easily with all of the lads.
(He had also chosen not to reveal that two of his great uncles on his mother’s side had fought in the Somme, where there were more Irish casualties in the first hour of fighting than in the entire week of the Easter Rising).
Yet as the froth of pints flew with patriotic fervour, Vinny had stoutly defended the heroic deeds of Antarctic explorers Ernest Shackleton and Tom Crean, both Royal Navy men. “They were two great Irishmen. Should we scorn them because they served under a British flag, one that includes the Cross of St Patrick?” he asked.
When that failed to apply the brakes of reason, he had pointed out how all six of the lads were committed followers of British football clubs, and British racing too.
“Where would your life be without Manchester United, Brennie? And mine without Everton? Or Aintree for that matter? Hold that thought for a minute before losing run of ourselves completely,” he’d said as tempers had begun to fray.
As emotions simmered silently, Vinny had then forwarded his own theory about the pot-stirrers who refused to let the royal hare sit, citing envy, pure emerald green envy.
A bit like the heroic Crean, who declined to talk of his Polar exploits because of his British Navy employment, Vinny didn’t share this opinion beyond the close coterie of friends in Foley’s. “If only we had a Brian Boru, a Queen Maeve or our own Buckingham Palace – we have a Buckingham Street – things would be different,” he declared.
“Instead, we have no crowned heads, no royal family, only a titular president who lives in a place called the ‘Áras’, which sounds like a certain part of the anatomy. Think about it, if we had royalty, we could rename our golf courses, our racecourses, our towns, everywhere. Instead of Royal Leamington Spa, we could have Royal Leixlip; for Bognor Regis, we could have Ballybunion Regis. There could be Royal Fingal and Royal Tipperary North Riding. As well as Royal Ascot and Down Royal, we’d have Royal Ballinrobe and Royal Roscommon.”
The mood struck a chord and broke the ice. Instead of Fenian fury, Vinny had injected a lightening of tone, as intended.
“I’ll give you another one lads. Who here wouldn’t love to be a member of Royal Dublin? We all would. Not just because it’s a fine links but because of the royal prefix, it carries a certain status, doesn’t it?
“‘The Dublin Golf Club doesn’t, sure that could be anywhere. But Royal Dublin, now that’s different. That’s got a touch of class, just like Royal Portrush and Royal County Down and Royal Birkdale, where our own Paddy Harrington won The Open.
“Royal Tara golf club has already stood up for themselves. Others should follow suit. I’d bet you anything you like, that the more royalty we had, the less envious people would be towards Ma’am and Co across the Irish Sea.”
Around him, the lads said nothing but sipped their pints in silence. Would they row in with Vinny or reach for the sword of patriotic vengeance? Eventually, Brenie spoke. “We could have Royal Sillogue, the only golf course in the world where you get a free drop from burnt-out cars,” he piped up, laughing.
Instantly, the vibe became cheery. Macker, the most Republican of the lot, shrugged his shoulders and acknowledged his preference for King Edward cigars, while Fran pointed out he had two King Charles Spaniels, which he loved to bits.
Kojak bemoaned the fact his wife never missed an episode of Eastenders which revolved around a pub, The Queen Vic, while admitting his own preference for the Royle family. Shanghai recalled how he spent summers as a kid on board his uncle’s fishing boat in George’s Channel. “It sounded a heck of a lot cooler than the Saltees Sound,” he said.
Vinny had been relieved the lads had come around to his way of thinking and had realised there was little point getting all het up over the Royal visit. “You see, the influence of the British royalty is with us every day and we get on grand. So why, all of a sudden, fellahs are getting on their hobby horses and kicking up a fuss is beyond me.”
As they headed towards the Capri chipper for a post-jar feed of vinegary chips and battered onions rings, relief flowed through Vinny’s ever-hardening arteries. He knew his line of reasoning wasn’t everyone’s cup of Rosie Lee but sometimes injecting humour helped bring a sense of perspective to things.
Anyway, his theory carried a hidden meaning. Come Saturday fortnight, June 4th, Vinny would be Foley’s with the lads for their annual Epsom Derby slurp. He had put €50 each-way on Carlton House ante-post at 8 to 1 before the colt won the Dante Stakes at York, after which it was clipped into to 2 to 1.
He would be rooting loudly for Carlton House in the world’s most famous Flat race, and for the connections, the trainer, the jockey and the owner, especially the owner, one Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor, or the ‘QE2’, as he preferred to call her.
Bets of the Week
1pteach-way Zach Johnson in Crowne Plaza Invitational (20/1, Stan James)
2ptsNorthampton to beat Leinster in Heineken Cup (5/2, Sportingbet)
Vinny’s Bismarck
1ptLay Birmingham to beat Tottenham in Premier League (11/2, Boylesports).
