Melbourne Cup: Brian O'Connor on why, in springtime in Australia, there is only one show in town as a nation grinds to a halt on the first Tuesday in November
Risteárd Cooper's good-natured Après Match spoof of Colm Murray once produced a parody of the RTÉ presenter's sporting preferences. "Ireland win the World Cup," drawls "'Colm", as he reads out the evening's sports headlines. "Padraig Harrington lands the Masters, and Sonia O'Sullivan collects Olympic gold. But, first, to racing . . . "
The real Colm is far too bright and amiable a character to have not laughed. But if there were any Australians listening, they would have been hard pushed to get the joke. And it would have nothing to do with the fact Colm is sadly still only available on internet Down Under.
It's because when it comes to springtime in Australia, there is only one show in town and that's the gee-gees and the Melbourne Cup.
At this time of year, Tasmania could sink and no one would miss it. Lurid tales of State governments falling in a torrent of oranges, hamsters and plastic bags would provoke only shrugs of indifference. In fact that ultimate symbol of the modern media, David Beckham, could have his scrotum shorn with a rusty razor while perched on top of the Sydney Opera House and it would merit only two paragraphs at the bottom of page 101.
It is truly impossible for anyone on this side of the world to fully grasp the importance of the Melbourne Cup to Australia, because there is nothing else like it anywhere. This weekend, for instance, the centre of the Victorian capital will be closed down for the annual parade of former champions. The winners, both human and equine, are venerated in a way that maybe only Italian soccer fans might understand.
In terms of once-a-year punters, who think a fiver each way is sinfully living on the wild side, then the Aintree Grand National is probably the nearest thing we've got over here. But that's a take-it-or-leave-it thing really.
On the broader sports front, maybe one of ours in an Olympic final might grab the imagination, or a really good All-Ireland final, but even that is only in the ha'penny place compared to "the race that stops a nation". And if you think that tag is just hype, then you ain't been there for the first Tuesday in November.
This massive continent that encompasses several different time zones and millions of even more different dreams will indeed grind to a halt in the early hours of Tuesday morning. And that's because a two-mile flat handicap for racehorses of often wildly differing abilities really does matter.
To Aussies, always so desperately aware of how far they are from everywhere else, this will represent the country at its best. Raucous and fun loving. The way the nation likes to see itself. A country united, at least for a few minutes anyway.
Not surprisingly then, the media interest in the Cup is intense. No sporting event in these islands, much less a horse race, comes within a donkey's screech of what has been building up for the last month. The focus is almost suffocatingly intense and people react very differently to it.
Our own Kieren Fallon has been in Melbourne for the last fortnight getting ready to ride Aidan O'Brien's Yeats. The Clare-born jockey's controversial reputation has resulted in him being put under the sort of spotlight that over here has been known to send his famously hot temper into Krakatoa mode. But in fact Fallon has taken to the Cup the way a red-back spider takes to the dunny.
"How's the Melbourne Cup winner looking, boys?" he cracked during the week after returning on Yeats from a work-out. Battalions of rubber-necking hacks looking on practically did themselves a mischief at such a good quote.
In contrast, the English trainer David Elsworth, normally gruffly tolerant with the hack pack, found himself the unwelcome centre of attention while attending to Wunderwood (sadly, put down on Thursday after a training mishap at Mornington racecourse in Melbourne). It was enough for him to snarl: "Why don't you take your wives out for breakfast and stop pestering me!"
Some chance. Elsworth still has to come to terms with the fact that even if something or someone has even the remotest connection with the Cup, it will get a microphone put in front of it.
Even yours truly has a bit of form in this matter.
In 1993, the seminal year when Dermot Weld first sent Vintage Crop to win and blow the Cup open to the world, this seriously jet-lagged Irish hack touched down at MacQuarrie airport in severe need of a smoke and a shower.
The memory is hazy on the matter after all these years, but before I had breathed my first batch of fresh Australian air, a radio station broadcasting live from the airport somehow had got me babbling my so called "expertise" to the state of Victoria. There was some early sledging too.
"Come a long way to get beat, haven't you, mate?"
It's almost impossible to overstate the impact that Vintage Crop made with that success. For a while, all that chippy Aussie arrogance disappeared in a fog of anxiety about these damn internationals. Then a few high-profile European failures proved the real scale of Weld's achievement and the locals rediscovered their lip. Weld did it again four years ago though, with Media Puzzle, and now the favourite indulgence Down Under is to praise the visiting horses while knocking seven shades of you know what out of the jockeys.
Michael Kinane, Frankie Dettori and Pat Smullen, among many, have felt the critical lash of a press freed from any obligation to be circumspect toward riders they might have to talk to again the following week. In Australia, the cardinal sin is to race wide.
Even three horses off the rail is regarded as indecent. When Messrs Kinane and Smullen went looking for clear passages on the outside, they received the sort of flak that used to be reserved only for Lancasters over Berlin.
Never mind that many of the top riders Down Under have a style in the saddle that could charitably be described as somewhat agricultural compared to the best of Europe and the USA.
To a racing public cut off from the rest of the world, the only way is the Aussie way. And behind all that lies a suspicion that the Euro visitors have a little bit of an air of superiority about them.
Which, let's be honest, is true.
We are, after all, talking about a two-mile handicap. The Melbourne Cup is a truly wonderful event yet in terms of quality it doesn't even come close to figuring in the world's elite races.
For a country that possesses a fierce egalitarian pride in giving everyone a fair shake, it is no surprise that a handicap should be the most coveted sporting prize of all. Even the very best horses, such as Phar Lap and Kingston Town, had to lump huge weights to victory to cement their places in Australian racing history.
However, the reality for racing's flint-eyed handicappers is that the Cup is an exotic diversion from the world's very best races, which International Federation of Horseracing Authorities figures show are mostly run in Britain, Ireland and France.
No doubt, such stats will stick in the craw of the more blokey, Pom-hating elements Down Under. But a handicap can hardly be expected to compete in the figures race.
It's no surprise then that Aidan O'Brien is skipping Yeats and instead concentrating on tonight's events in Kentucky before flying home to Ballydoyle. Instead the latest Irish challenge on the great event is being supervised by Fallon, who will be riding in the race for the first time.
No matter how the horse runs, however, there is little doubt the Cup has already cast its spell over the jockey. It can do that very easily. And that's why, along with any smug superiority among the visitors, there is always more than a little envy too.
Because whatever about the quality of the race, as an event it is unrivalled. Loud, colourful and with an admirable reluctance to take things too seriously, it will have 120,000 people enthralled at Flemington and the guts of 20 million others around the country glued to their TV sets.
And that fits in perfectly with a raucously healthy racing system that puts the administration of the game in Ireland and Britain to shame. On-course bookmakers and a centrally run betting-shop system in the High Street, with profits going back into the game, represent a financial panacea that can only be dreamt of over here.
But then the Aussies have their sporting priorities in the right place. Bashing the Poms might be good but bashing the bookies is best.
It's the sort of place where Colm would fit right in. It's not too late, Mr Murray!
WORLD'S TOP 10 RACES
1 - Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe
Longchamp, France
The culmination of the European season and only the true greats - Montjeu, Dancing Brave, Peintre Celebre - tend to round off a long year with the ultimate success.
2 - King George VI & Queen Elizabeth
Diamond Stakes, Ascot, England
It remains Europe's premier middle-distance summer feature despite the modern tendency of some trainers to keep their star three-year-olds for an autumn campaign.
3 - Breeders' Cup Classic
Track varies, USA
This increasingly decides America's "Horse of the Year" title and at $5 million is the US's top prize. A high-profile European win on dirt could make it even more important in future.
4 - English Champion Stakes
Newmarket, England
The straight mile-and-a-quarter is a punishing test and has caught out past champions of the calibre of Nijinsky and Hurricane Run this year.
5 - Irish Champion Stakes
Leopardstown, Ireland
A surprise? Then just look at the list of winners in the past decade, and wonder why it isn't even higher. Run at the perfect modern commercial distance and at the perfect time of year. Ireland's most important contest.
6 - Juddmonte International
York, England
This position may be under threat. Notnowcato was hardly an inspiring winner this year. Needs a boost.
7 - Queen Elizabeth II Stakes
Ascot, England
Increasingly becoming the decider for mile championship honours. Commercial breeding demands indicate this will probably take even higher ranking in future.
8 - Prince Of Wales Stakes
Ascot, England
Another indication of the trend towards the mile-and-a-quarter becoming the new "classic" distance for the modern racehorse.
9 - Breeders' Cup Turf
Track varies, USA
A race set up for Europe's best mile-and-a-half stars, and after initial defeats for the likes of Dancing Brave, the Euros have been on top.
10 - Japan Cup
Tokyo, Japan
Asia's most important race, where the top turf horses of Europe and America can clash with the best of Australasia in late November.
• (Based on average International Federation of Horseracing Authorities ratings on the first four horses in leading world races over the last three years)
