They might sound like the cast from Grange Hill, but in Billo, Eamo, Gilesie, Chippy and Tosh rest RTE's hopes of a glorious Euro 2000 triumph this summer, culminating in Billo snatching the trophy from Des and Gary's grasp and raising it triumphantly at the De Kuip Stadium in Rotterdam on July 2nd. Even before last week the regular squad - featuring a nice blend of experience and experience - looked formidable, but then a big Welsh lad, who knows where the goal is, declared for Ireland and suddenly RTE looks unbeatable.
Yes, John Toshack has signed up for RTE and brings with him vast European experience, having coached in Spain and Portugal after a playing career at a minor Merseyside club where he partnered the current England boss in attack.
So, having never been short of midfield generals, RTE now has someone to stick the ball in the back of the net. But will he get the service, or will his midfield be too busy squabbling with each other to notice him unmarked at the edge of the box?
Perhaps like the Dutch team, the biggest single threat to RTE's prospects at the tournament comes from within its own camp, in the form of strife, tension, dissent and quivering lower lips, but we can only hope that Eamon Dunphy and Chippy Brady just agree to disagree.
Chippy had a sparkling Champions League campaign, but Eamo emerged a bit battered and bruised, with 98.74 per cent of his predictions proving as accurate as Chippy's right foot. Worst of all, Chippy never let him (or the viewers) forget it. He regards Eamo as much too negative a player; Eamo regards Chippy as a crowd-pleaser who doesn't graft enough - and he wishes he'd spend more time getting stuck in to the opposition than in to him. Wedged in the middle of all this is Gilesie, RTE's most consistent performer, but you have to worry that his own game will suffer if much of his energy is taken up trying to mediate between his team-mates. The obvious solution is to play Eamo wide right, Chippy wide left, with Gilesie and Billo in the middle keeping them well apart.
Admittedly, though, some of history's great partnerships have been fuelled by and have thrived on tension (Burton and Taylor, Keane and Schmeichel, Peters and Lee, Rod Hull and Emu) but sometimes, when you return after an ad break on RTE, you're afraid to look out from behind your cushion just in case Eamo and Chippy are wrestling on the floor, with Billo screaming "okey doke, that's enough lads". Luckily for George Hamilton, Jim Beglin, Darragh Maloney, Stephen Alkin and Jimmy Magee, they'll all be off commentating on the games so will miss the aggro back home. Maloney made an impressive RTE debut in this season's Champions League, but hasn't quite conquered the art of insulting the viewers' intelligence yet, so we're not sure if the lad's got a future in the game.
If the ever wonderful Apres Match gang (selected again for Euro 2000) treat us to the unreal David O'Leary every now and then, the BBC has the real version on its team for the tournament, although in truth most times it's hard to tell the difference.
Another Beeb newcomer is Johan Cruyff, brought in to add a touch of classand to give us a taste of "total football punditry".
"Who's yer man - did he ever play," the entire under-IS population will spendthe tournament asking us. "Just a bit," we'll say. Having lost Des Lynam, Terry Venables, Ruud Gullit and Ally McCoist to ITV (and Jimmy Hill to retirement - stop cheering), a bit of rebuilding was required by the BBC this time around. But they retain the core of their squad, Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen, Trevor Brooking, Mark Lawrenson, John Motson, Barry Davies and Martin O'Neill, if he's not too busy preparing Celtic for another second place finish in the league next season.
Apart from all the lads they've nicked from the Beeb, ITV's panel of experts will feature very nearly every man to manage England since 1862: Bobby Robson, Glenn Hoddle, Venables and Kevin Keegan ("if and when England are knocked out," said their press release). Graham Taylor must be wondering what he's done to upset the channel.
Never mind Grahamo, tune in to RTE and watch Eamo and Chippy get stuck in.To each other, probably.
