TV View: "Kay is special," screamed Miles Harrison during the second Cook Cup match between Australia and England on Saturday morning. The Sky Sports commentator was trying to vocally lift a battered and bedraggled England team as if his exhortations at the microphone might somehow filter on to the pitch.
They didn't. Special Kay - England secondrow Ben - notwithstanding, the Aussies appeared ravenous for a bit more substance as they ate England for breakfast. In mitigation, the English were missing a host of established players and looked like they were simply enduring this summer tour.
Not that the relentlessly upbeat pre-match banter on Sky made this observation. Scott Quinnell tried to focus on the positives, prematch, while Michael Lynagh chose to underplay his expectation that the Aussies would score a shedload of points in a one-sided encounter. After all, Sky didn't want viewers turning off in their droves.
Harrison was chipper as he charted England's first-half dominance of possession. Stuart Barnes was more sardonic as Australia, on lesser rations, demonstrated the difference between having the ball and using it judiciously in the pursuit of points.
The second half descended into farce when England lost two props, Julian White to a neck injury and Graham Rowntree to concussion. This meant there had to be uncontested scrums so the two packs leaned against each other like Saturday night revellers at closing time. The game's dentures popped out, the bite of the opening 40 minutes replaced by a hybrid of rugby league and rugby union.
There were still one or two incidents to catch the eye, notably a playgroundesque kerfuffle between England number eight Pat Sanderson and Australian wing Lote Tuqiri. The gist of their difference of opinion was that Sanderson pulled back Tuqiri by the dreadlocks.
Now it's reasonable to assume Sanderson was a bit of a tearaway at nursery school and he obviously just can't help himself at the sight of long hair. The Aussies accused the same player of tugging on the dreadlocks of George Smith during the first Test.
Harrison refused to get off the fence, saying he "didn't see too much wrong", as the viewer was treated to several reruns of the incident courtesy of the host broadcaster, before Barnes stepped in and confirmed what virtually everyone else could appreciate.
The problem for any emotionally detached viewer was that the game had descended into a stop-start mishmash of errors, requiring the commentary team to fill in the gaps. It's a minor cavil, but Harrison and Barnes barely stopped talking to draw breath, droning on incessantly. It was sports commentary's equivalent of elevator music.
Finally when this column managed to switch in again, there was a pronounced difference in the words of the two men. Barnes declined to sugar-coat his observations, didn't treat the viewer like an imbecile and had an edge to his comments.
Harrison seems the type of man who if lost at sea would champion the value of salt water for the complexion. He sees the silver lining where others notice only the cloud. It's a charming disposition but occasionally grates. Too much fluff. We're of the "less (talk) is more" school.
One interesting and largely enlightening addition to the coverage was the caption at the bottom of the screen flashed up briefly to explain a referee's decision. It removed the need to listen to six different voices querying the official's decision.
Will Chignell had been at it again earlier in the morning: history, history, history as Ireland tried to beat New Zealand for the first time in over 100 years. There was he tempting fate time and again, suggesting the possibility of an Irish win.
Ireland didn't win. They were unlucky in that Clarke Dermody's try should not have been given (knock-on) but that's been pretty much the barometer of their journey so far to the Southern Hemisphere.
Next Saturday, it's possible to grab a few extra hours' kip as Ireland head for Perth and a (mid-morning, Irish time) date with Australia. From a Sky Sports perspective it'll be interesting to see who'll do the match commentary. Chignell and Niall Woods have presided over the two All Black games but the suspicion is that Harrison and Barnes might just stay on in Australia.
In fairness to Sky, they know how to ladle it up for even the most diehard aficionado. On Saturday it was possible to watch Ireland v New Zealand, followed by Australia v England, followed by South Africa v Scotland and than after taking a comfort break return that night for the New Zealand Maori v Scotland A, Ireland A v England Saxons and finally Canada v USA.
You wouldn't miss anything. Well, maybe a social life.
