Right then, it’s here, let’s get it over with.
Mind you, by the look of George Hamilton when he first appeared on our screens, his World Cup was nearly done before it started, the poor man sporting a shiner and what appeared to be a few stitches above his right eyebrow.
Had he tried to bring beer in to the stadium? No. “I had a minor altercation with a piece of furniture in the baggage hall at Doha airport,” he told Peter Collins. “But all’s well that ends well.”
George didn’t expand on what exactly happened between him and that piece of furniture, but, in a there’s-always-someone-worse-off kind of way, he stoically recalled Spanish goalkeeper Santiago Canizares being ruled out of the 2002 World Cup after severing a tendon in his foot with a bottle of aftershave. “But I’m here and the show is about to get on the road.”
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It was indeed, but neither RTÉ nor BBC complied with Fifa’s order that we focus on the football, both devoting the bulk of their build-ups to the opening game by focusing on all the issues that Fifa would very much have liked ignored.
It’s for times like this that Milk of Magnesia was invented
The BBC went so far as to completely blank the opening ceremony, so it’s possible that they still don’t know that Morgan Freeman was the star of the show. The 85-year-old has an estimated net worth of $250 million. Like, how much do you need?
“Football spans the world, unites nations in their love of the beautiful game – what brings together nations, brings together communities,” he lip-synced, while sharing a beautiful moment with a Qatari YouTuber. It’s for times like this that Milk of Magnesia was invented.
Lest any of you were wondering how Richard ‘Keysie’ Keys was handling the occasion over on Qatari-owned beIN SPORTS, perhaps cynically assuming he was glossing over, say, the deaths of migrant workers, fear not – he boldly confronted the issue.
“I know there’s been a lot of debate about how these stadiums have been constructed,” he said, “but to all of those who have played a part in that process, we thank you for doing so”.
Andy Gray and John Terry nodded solemnly, Gary Neville (net worth £70 million) wearing the look of a man tempted to ask Keysie to add “rest in peace” to his tribute, but holding his fire.
He did, though, have a right good go at Giovanni Infantino, Fifa and sundry folk – “I’m sick of these leaders like Johnson, like Trump, like Infantino, like Blatter – they don’t unite, they divide, all their language is about division” – but still, what was Gary (net worth £70 million) thinking when he took the gig?
beIN probably missed a trick by not hiring Matt Le Tissier, incidentally, the poor fella possibly the only retired footballer on earth not to get a World Cup shift with one of the bigger channels.
That tumultuous sound you hear is the heads of Nigel, Matt and the Daily Mail exploding
Instead, he’s had to make do with turning up on Nigel Farage’s Talking Pints show on GB News in front of an audience that evidently had consumed many pints, the bulk of them applauding wildly when he directed his ire at the current England gaffer.
Matt: “I have offered my services to coach the players on taking penalties.”
Nigel: “Mr Southgate, are you listening?”
Matt: “There were probably other managers that may have been more likely [to listen to me] than the woke Mr Southgate ... .”
Nigel: “Gosh, I haven’t even got him on to Gary Lineker yet!”
If Matt and Nigel had watched Gary on Sunday, not even all of Budweiser’s unused Qatari pints could have numbed their irritation.
“Stick to football, say Fifa ... well, we will, for a couple of minutes at least,” he said, before devoting about 50 of the 60-minute lead-up to the Qatar v Ecuador game to human rights abuses and carbon emission issues.
That tumultuous sound you hear is the heads of Nigel, Matt and the Daily Mail exploding.
RTÉ was no less defiant, Richie Sadlier and Karen Duggan giving it socks, Liam Brady reminding us that Fifa is no stranger to choosing iffy World Cup hosts, his earliest memory of that particular class of vulgarity when a murderous Junta-run Argentina got to host the 1978 World Cup.
It wasn’t whataboutery, it was just a gentle reminder that this shower have long been the dregs.
The game? Oh yeah, that. Ecuador won 2-0.
Only 28 days to go. Hang in there.
