Cricket: BBC reporter James Helmon the secret pleasure of watching cricket on the radio
Creep out of bed. Avoid the creaking floorboard. Grab the torch, and tiptoe downstairs. Fiddle with the dial on the radio until locating 198LW, keeping the volume low so the whole house doesn't wake. Then make a cup of tea.
These are the furtive, nocturnal activities of a lesser-spotted cricket fan. A strange but hardy breed, fairly rare in some parts of Ireland, more common than you'd imagine in others. And while the Ashes are on, they are the behavioural signals of a creature devoted to his sports listening.
I sit in torchlight because, bizarrely, any house lights seem to wreak havoc with the long wave signal, causing a hideous high-pitched whistling. I know, I know - I could easily subscribe to some cable or satellite package that would make it seem as if a Hi-Def Freddie Flintoff were running into bowl across my lounge carpet. But it wouldn't be the same.
As an employee of the Corporation, perhaps I'm bound to say this, but there's something unique about Test Match Special. The familiar calypso theme tune, followed by the voices of Aggers, Blowers and the wonderfully opinionated Geoffrey Boycott. The banter, the vowels, the cakes sent in by listeners. The stats, such an integral part of cricket, and the considered e-mails from listeners. All delivered with calmness, humour and authority.
While the commentators describe proceedings, Boycott analyses, gruffly telling it how it is. I still have a picture of myself aged about 11 at a county match, grinning nervously in the presence of my sporting hero. He's in his Yorkshire sweater, glowering at the camera.
I know I'm not alone in my nocturnal behaviour. In this newspaper, in "An Irishman's Diary", Frank McNally recently stated: "There is just nothing so soothing as going to bed with the radio on low, relaying cricket from the other side of the planet. It won't deprive you of sleep (unless you're English)" (my italics).
And there's the problem. When the most-hyped cricket series finally began in Brisbane, I was listening from my sofa in Dublin. England's lanky fast bowler, Steve Harmison, ambled up and bowled a delivery so wide the Australian batsman could barely have reached it if he'd had an oar. With their anguished cries and stifled guffaws, the commentary team described it all to this exhausted listener, flat out and half-asleep thousands of miles away.
Last summer, as England gloriously won the Ashes for the first time in centuries, I was driving to Wexford. The radio signal in the car was crystal clear, so good that it threatened to dominate the holiday. Once we'd arrived, I found urgent mechanical tasks that kept me inside the car for hours as the Australian wickets fell.
Victory, after years of defeats, brought rejoicing. Having been in Ireland for a few years, I know how vital, how cherished the local GAA club is in towns and villages, often providing the glue that helps to bind changing communities. In some respects, and in some parts of Britain, the village cricket club has remained a social hub, the focus of local sporting aspirations.
A few years back I used to put together Test reports for the BBC's TV news bulletins. I'd sit in a dark edit suite in White City watching the telly and noting the times that things happened or - this being cricket - didn't happen. A quiet couple of hours would inevitably be followed by a clatter of wickets immediately before my deadline, forcing a late frenzy of activity as I read my script into the microphone and the picture editor scrambled for the images to go with it.
Now based in Ireland, I'm in a dark room once again, listening to events from Down Under on the radio with my torch and cuppa.
Quaint and curious it may be, but for sports fanatics, security guards, mothers on the night feeding shift, and insomniacs, I recommend it.Scoreboard
SECOND TEST - Australia v England
(Adelaide) Day One - England Won Toss
England First Innings
A Strauss c Martyn b Clark14
A Cook c Gilchrist b Clark27
I Bell c & b Lee60
P Collingwood not out98
K Pietersen not out60
Extras (lb1 nb6)7
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Total 3 wickets (90 overs) ... 266
Fall of wickets: 1-32, 2-45, 3-158.
To bat: A Flintoff, G Jones, A Giles, M Hoggard, S Harmison, J Anderson.
Bowling: Lee 20-1-77-1, McGrath 18-3-51-0, Clark 15-3-25-2, Warne 27-6-85-0, Clarke 10-1-27-0.
