Some of the best sporting quotes of the past year
JANUARY
"It's better than Big Brother, you just don't know what is going to happen next."- Roy Keane enjoying the reality show that was the FAI's search for a new manager.
"Stay in school, kids, or you might end up being an umpire."- Andy Roddick somewhat peeved by the standard of officiating in his third-round Australian Open match.
"People said I was pitting my wits against Sir Alex Ferguson, but it is like using a water pistol to take on a machine gun." -- Birmingham City's Alex McLeish before his side's defeat at Old Trafford.
"The trouble is I don't rate anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I respect everyone who is a professional. But the problem is I haven't played to my full potential yet. And when that happens, it will just be me and Tiger."- Ian Poulter . . . the world number 25.
"If I was Fabio Capello the only worry I would have is whether the England job drives you doolally. Because on the evidence of Glenn Hoddle, I think it must."- Jimmy Greaves worrying for the Italian's sanity while paying a nice tribute to one of his predecessors.
February
"I think we ought to slice him open and see what's inside: maybe nuts and bolts."- Stewart Cink after his inhuman, 8 and 7 defeat by Tiger Woods at the World Matchplay.
"Trapattoni is from a different galaxy to Venables - it's like comparing Abraham Lincoln to George W Bush."- Eamon Dunphy on the Trap or Tel? debate.
"Trapattoni is a fantastic manager . . . but, quite clearly, he's past his best. Otherwise, the top teams in Europe would be after him . . . he's seen us coming . . . he's looking for a payday and he's got it . . . we're supposed to trust this guy because he carries around this bottle of holy water."- Pat Dolan fearing the Italian is more Bush than Lincoln.
"Andrew Trimble is big, strong and young - that's great if you're saving the hay, but it won't actually help you break down a French defence."- George Hook.
"This MCG wicket has more bounce than a Baywatch beach sprint."- Former Australian bowler Damien Fleming on the spring in the Melbourne wicket .
"I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony, I just don't know where to start."- Miami Heat coach Pat Riley after victory over Sacramento brought to an end a 13-game losing streak.
"Paul Maloney has a look between his legs and he will like what he sees."- Channel 4's Derek Thompson on a race at Taunton. Lest you were wondering, Maloney's nag was leading by a distance.
March
"The first time I ever met him he was the same little obnoxious weed that he is now."- Australian cricketer Matthew Hayden attempts to calm shaky relations with India by speaking highly of spinner Harbhajan Singh.
"Dirk Kuyt is earning himself the reputation as Anfield's Prince Harry - in the frontline for three months and no one knows anything about it."- Sun reporter Phil Thomas on Liverpool's hit-and-miss Dutchman.
"I'd rather sit on a porcupine watching Dot Cotton lap dance while listening to a double album of S Club 7's Greatest Hits recorded on the bagpipes than sit through a match like Scotland-England ever again."- BBC Online columnist Robbo after wasting 80 minutes of his life watching the Six Nations encounter at Murrayfield.
"He's 6ft 2in, brave as a lion, strong as an ox and quick as lightning. If he was good looking you'd say he has everything." -- Derby manager Paul Jewell on Cristiano Ronaldo.
"I've got more points on my licence. I'm not joking."- Jewell again, on his bottom-of-the-table, soon-to-be-relegated side's Premier League struggles.
"Eddie's the only fella who could persuade you that General Custer ran the Sioux nation close at the Battle of Little Big Horn. It's true. He is trying to deny the reality of our eyes, for crying out loud!" -- George Hook after Eddie O'Sullivan's defence of Ireland's performance in the defeat to Wales at Croke Park.
"If you are afraid about death and one day you say, 'I am here, if you want to take me, take me', and you are not afraid about anything, in one second you feel free, you feel the energy in your body, you feel invincible."- Eric Cantona, still slightly crazy after all these years.
April
"If you're going to be a prick and everyone hates you, why do you think that just because you're trying to be cute and funny on air now that the same people are all going to start to like you?"- US Ryder Cup captain Paul Azinger on his respect for Nick Faldo.
Setanta reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas were Motherwell better than you today?"
Gordon Strachan: "Mainly that big green one out there."- The Celtic manager pinpointing where it wrong for his team in a 1-0 home defeat.
"The Pope isn't a bad lad. If it said 'God bless Myra Hindley', I might have a problem."- Strachan again after Celtic goalkeeper Artur Boruc showed Rangers fans his "God bless the Pope" T-shirt in the Old Firm derby.
"He grabbed my wheels and gave them a bit of a squeeze, 100 per cent. I looked at the ref and said: 'What's doing?'."- Australian rugby league player Josh Graham alleging Paul Gallen did a Vinnie Jones on him during a Titans v Sharks game.
Ryan Tubridy: "Your fiancee?"
Stephen Hunt: "Joanne. She comes from Wexford, country place, but she's up with the times, to be fair to her."
Tubridy: "She's up with the times?"
Hunt: "Yeah, she's going with the flow. Most people from Wexford are maybe a little bit behind the times."- The Republic of Ireland man making himself popular in the Model County.
"I once saw Terry Griffiths take longer than that to break off."- Joe Johnson at the World Snooker Championships reminiscing about Ronnie O'Sullivan's five minute, 20 second 147 break.
May
"It's every bit as good as the last time. We said then that we didn't want to be a good team that won it once, but a great team that could do it again."- John Hayes after Munster won their second Heineken Cup, beating Toulouse 16-13 in Cardiff.
"I stood at the top of the mountain and heard the cheers from the people. In jail, my status is gone. I am just as human as everyone else."- Tim Montgomery, the former 100m world record holder, who was jailed twice in 2008 for fraud and heroin dealing.
"I've lived a wild and strange life. I've used drugs, I've had physical altercations with dangerous people, people were angry. I've slept with guys' wives, they wanted to kill me. I'm just happy to be here. It's just a miracle."- Mike Tyson trying to figure out how he's still breathing.
"So Portsmouth have won the Cup - I don't want to alarm you, but the last time that happened World War Two broke out."- Gary Lineker on Portsmouth's ominous FA Cup triumph.
"I've never been one for stats and milestones, I just try to do the best for my team. I'm the third fastest person in the history of the game to get 10,000 runs." -- Australian batsman Ricky Ponting, one for stats and milestones after all.
June
"Hate is a very strong word - I just despise her to the maximum level just below hate. I'm going to serve it right at the body, about 128 mph, right into her midriff. If she's not crying by the time she comes off court then I did not do my job."- Former player Justin Gimelstob shares his delightful feelings about Anna Kournikova ahead of a mixed doubles exhibition match in Washington.
"If I had to watch them play each other I would be a drunk. I just couldn't do it. It would drive me nuts. I will schedule a flight and maybe the captain will come down and tell me my daughter won." -- Richard Williams on his way home to the US before the Wimbledon final between his daughters, Venus and Serena.
"We just wet the bed. A nice big one too. One of the ones you can't put a towel over. It was terrible."- Kobe Bryant with his unique version of "sick as a parrot" after the LA Lakers blew a 20-point lead to lose to Boston in Game Four of the NBA finals.
"He's a nothing player, he's like Paul McShane on steroids - costs more, but just as likely to get you shot in the head."- Hard to tell who should have been more offended by Eamon Dunphy, McShane or Ramos.
"I told him next time he does that I'm going to get my blade out and cut him. I'm a gangster. You go gangster on me, I'm going to have to get you. You do that again, I'm going to cut you right on the field."- New York Mets manager Jerry Manuel offering some advice to his player Jose Reyes after he threw a tantrum.
"I am not superstitious - it brings bad luck."- French coach Raymond Domenech - alas, his team exited in the group stage of Euro 2008 after running over a dozen black cats.
July
"This course is diabolical. It's like trying to play Scrabble without the vowels."- Paul Goydos enjoying the challenge of a tricky Oakland Hills course at the US PGA Championship.
"Paul Harris is a buffet bowler - you just help yourself."- Geoffrey Boycott, a touch unimpressed by the South African spinner.
"I think I'll start with people from Newcastle, not in some cave in Afghanistan."- Newcastle owner Mike Ashley on rumours that he wanted to sell the club to the Saudi business run by Osama Bin Laden's half-brother.
Colin Montgomerie: "Do you have a problem here?"
Ross Kimberley (Sky Sports sound technician): "No problem at all."
Montgomerie: " You are here because of me, okay? Remember that."- Monty, making more friends at the European Open.
"If I had said that and my late professional golfer father was listening, it would have been at least a month before I could sit comfortably without any pain . . . I know you read this column, Colin . . . let me tell you, nobody is as important as you thought you were. Nobody."- Sky Sports commentator and columnist Ewen Murray gives Montgomerie one heck of a slap on the wrist.
"In my opinion, no owner in their right mind would willingly invite an average agent into his academy, any more than a brothel owner would let a syphilitic nutter into his whorehouse."- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan with an enchanting analogy to describe his love of shady agents.
August
"One of (Kevin) Pietersen's great triumphs this week was that he managed to get the assortment of drunks, cynics, skivers, scoundrels, gamblers and geeks collectively known as the press corps buzzing with excitement."- Former England cricket captain Mike Atherton with an affectionate tribute to the fourth estate.
"All the hard training is important, the diet, all of that. It's like a big jigsaw. But the biggest piece is the head. Upstairs. If you're right in the head, you're laughing. And everything is perfect."- Kenny Egan, en route to a silver medal.
"I can't stop people doubting . . . but in the world people come along who are exceptional. You have Einstein, you have Isaac Newton, you have Beethoven - you have Usain Bolt."- Stephen Francis (coach of Jamaican sprinter Asafa Powell) on Beijing's sprint king.
"I am sick and tired of our name being dragged through the mud like this . . . I am deeply ashamed of what happened. In my IOC hotel I have even been subjected to snide remarks from my colleagues saying that Ireland is at it again." -- Olympic Council of Ireland president Pat Hickey after Denis Lynch's horse Lantinus tested positive for a banned substance.
"They've won 40 per cent of their medals in cycling - if only there was snooker, darts and a dog show."- NBC presenter Jim Lampley on Britain's success at the Olympic Games.
September
"I never heard the guy complete a sentence the first 20 years I knew him, and now his voice activation has switched on and he can't turn it off."- The Paul Azinger and Nick Faldo love-in gathered pace as the Ryder Cup approached.
"I never got hit by a car or anything, like, but this certainly feels as close as you could get to it."- Waterford manager Davy Fitzgerald after Kilkenny blew his team away in the All-Ireland hurling final.
"I know I'm really looking forward to playing on Sunday. It's way different from playing in Ulster . . . whenever you're getting the crap knocked out of you in some tight field in Ulster, Croker seems far away. This is our stage, this is our place to shine." -- Tyrone's Seán Cavanagh ahead of the All-Ireland final against Kerry . . . in which Tyrone shone.
"Ooh, Carol Vorderman, I like her. I was watching Countdown last week and I got aroused . . . seven letters wasn't a bad score, I thought."- BBC golf commentator Peter Alliss very, very nearly causing us to lose our lunch.
October
"Our season is not beyond my wildest dreams - because they usually involve Elle Macpherson."- Hull City chairman Paul Duffen putting his club's success in to perspective.
"We will put in a report. I don't talk to referees. It's like complaining to your mother-in-law about your wife - it doesn't get you too far."- Ulster coach Matt Williams after the Heineken Cup defeat by Harlequins.
"Boxing is not brutal, it's an art - God has gifted me with incredible handspeed as a tool to be used - what else am I supposed to do but fight? There ain't no hand-racing competitions."- Roy Jones Jr when asked if God would approve of boxing.
"I wrap nappies filled with my three-year-old son Max's wee around my fists. The nappies hold the liquid and the swelling stays down. Baby wee is good because it's pure, doesn't contain toxins and doesn't smell."- Ukrainian boxer Vitali Klitschko, winner of our 2008 Far Too Much Information award.
November
"I'm getting a big McDonalds and eating chocolate. I don't have to watch my weight anymore." - Boxer Katie Taylor revealing her immediate plans after retaining her world title in China.
"The county board have a lot to answer for. If this was a limited company there would be questions posed to the head guys: 'What is going on?' Good leadership should come from the top, not from the bottom up. This is the third dispute in six years."- Seán Óg Ó hAilpín on yet more turmoil in Cork GAA.
"I accept that Seán Óg has a very busy life. His substantial commercial interests arising from his Cork hurling career, dealing with his agent, his membership of the GPA, his job with Ulster Bank and his on-off role with Cork, must make it difficult to find time to reflect. If he did find time then perhaps he wouldn't be flip-flopping around the place and changing his mind about my abilities as a coach to suit the agenda of the day."- Cork hurling manager Gerald McCarthy not quite extending an olive branch to Ó hAilpín.
"I ask myself every single day if I am the right man for Sunderland. I asked myself this morning and said I was. Tomorrow morning if the answer is 'No' we will have to look at it."- Roy Keane, five days before he resigned as Sunderland manager.
December
"The golf ball - I tell you what . . . sometimes it can treat you as bad as my three . . . four ex-wives. I tell you it can be pretty bad. Other times it can be like having a date with Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry or someone like that . . . it can be really great. Sometimes it's a mean woman and sometimes it's the most perfect woman in the world."- John Daly on his endless women and golf troubles.
"Backsides and opinions, we've all got them - but its not always a good idea to air them in public." - Mick McCarthy when asked for his thoughts on Keane's departure from Sunderland.
"I wouldn't call Mickelson a great player 'cause I hate the prick."- Tiger Woods' caddie Steve Williams not quite helping to improve relations between his employer and his great rival.
"After seeing Steve Williams' comments all I could think of was how lucky I am to have a class act like Bones on my bag and representing me."- Phil Mickelson, sounding Pádraig Flynn-ish, complimenting his caddie, Jim Mackay, while blowing a kiss in Williams' direction.
"Would I get into a contract with that mob? Absolutely no chance. I wouldn't sell them a virus."- Alex Ferguson somewhat dampening speculation that Manchester United had agreed to sell Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid.
Compiled by Mary Hannigan
