Royal Ascot's Festival of racing: Brian O'Connorsets the scene for five days of top class racing in an enormous cathedral to class.
It's a sure sign of advancing years when you start to not be offended by Royal Ascot but instead accept British racing's most prestigious week of the racing year as an over-the-top indulgence that doesn't do anyone any real harm.
It's different when you're younger. As a youth, there's something jaw-clenchingly infuriating about having to witness so many upper-class Englishmen wallow in such an enormous cathedral to class. It doesn't help that they usually have the sort of women in tow that are so achingly gorgeous it makes you want to shout out loud.
But the good news for you youngsters out there is that time lessens the pain. The sight of regiments of chinless wonders doffing and scraping as the royal party trots past will not always have you reaching for a green flag to wrap around yourself.
And with maturity comes the realisation that it costs a lot of money to run the sort of women that Percy and Co can get their tongues around.
As for those purists who get annoyed that the cream of Europe's bloodstock is sweating it out to produce the best this sport can offer, only to be mostly ignored by the braying masses in the new stand, all one can say is that there are worse things in the world than ignorance.
There are also many worse things than the privileged few flashing their dosh or spending the national debt of a small African country on a private box. After all, the whole weird "I've got more money than you" vibe does provide an atmosphere that is truly unique in world racing.
This year, even more of the world is coming to sample it, and all you iconoclasts will be thrilled at the idea of a significant raiding party from the spiritual home of the "fair shake". Choisir's remarkable double success in the 2003 Kings Stand Stakes and Golden Jubilee Stakes convinced most Australians their sprinters are the best in the world, a conviction that was strengthened when the taxi-driving trainer Joe Janiak brought Takeover Target over for last year's Kings Stand. Their successes have now prompted a wholesale invasion of the best sprinters Australia has to offer this time round.
Takeover Target will be joined by Miss Andretti, Magnus and Bentley Biscuit in an all-out assault on the top sprint prizes that has bookmakers offering little more than evens about the Antipodean visitors picking up both races.
As well as speed, the Aussies also won't be lacking in the glamour front with Bentley Biscuit's trainer, Gai Waterhouse, around.
The daughter of Australia's most famous trainer, Tommy Smith, is champion trainer in Sydney but in an earlier guise, Waterhouse was a model and actress who appeared in Dr Who and also in soaps back in Australia.
Her overall impact on Aussie society is such that she is included in an official list of Australian living treasures, a list that includes the likes of Russell Crowe, Germaine Greer and, er, Rolf Harris.
On the back of an Ashes thrashing, any more Aussie crowing about whingeing Poms is sure to provoke more than a few perfectly enunciated oaths, and maybe even a greater indulgence of the more traditional raiders from Ireland and France.
This could be a vintage year for Irish-trained horses with a hugely powerful juvenile squad from Aidan O'Brien's stable backed up by older horses of the calibre of Dylan Thomas, Yeats and, of course, George Washington.
It will be intriguing to see how O'Brien has managed to rekinkle "Gorgeous George's" enthusiasm for racing after a disastrous start to the colt's stud career last winter when he was found to be sub-fertile. His initial return to training in Ballydoyle was hardly encouraging since in the memorable words of the champion trainer, "he was going around on five legs, thinking he could cover everything!"
Latest reports suggest that George must have been receiving more cold showers than the man at the foot of Niagara Falls because there are high hopes he can stage a winning return to action in tomorrow's Queen Anne Stakes.
But there is a real depth to the Irish squad with Jim Bolger pitching Creachadoir into tomorrow's St James's Palace Stakes and also the remarkable filly Finsceal Beo who is in line to take part in what could be the race of the week in Friday's Coronation Stakes.
One of her big opponents will be Arch Swing whose trainer John Oxx has an enviable winning record in most of the top Group One Ascot prizes.
"There's no doubt it is an extremely high profile week and it's probably England's most prestigious meeting. Everyone wants a winner there," Oxx says. "You need the right horse to win. It's as simple as that. We've been lucky but it's usually obvious if you have anything good enough to go. It's not like the jump lads planning one out for a handicap at Cheltenham."
That points out the essential racing truth about Ascot which even all the social fluff can't disguise: it's all about quality.
"It's the best week's racing in the world," says Oxx's former jockey Johnny Murtagh simply and that's a view that extends beyond Britain and Ireland.
The "dark horse" of that potentially epic Coronation could be the German runner Mi Emma who sluiced up by nine lengths in her own version of the 1,000 Guineas last month. Now though, she is taking on the real big girls. And her trainer knows it.
Andreas Wohler is a top name in Germany but he says: "Baden-Baden in autumn is the highlight of the German season but international wise, it has to be Ascot. It's the biggest meeting I know."
Taking on the cream of Britain, France, Australia, Germany and even South Africa will be some of Ireland's top jockeys who fully understand how competitive the five days are.
"Everyone's blood will be up. There won't be an inch anywhere. Everyone wants that Royal Ascot winner but it's really tough to win there," says the three-time Irish champion Pat Smullen. "Those handicaps are extremely competitive and it can be a long way to the line from the turn-in."
One star name that will be absent, however, is Kieren Fallon, still suspended from riding in Britain, and still on course for a race-fixing trial in September. Fallon's great days at Ascot still burn brightly enough in racing's collective consciousness to make his absence a real regret.
But with what could be around the corner, there might even be more determination around Ascot this week to giddily live for the moment. Only the po-faced would turn their noses up at that.
Ireland's Group One Ascot Team
Tuesday
3.45 St James's Palace Stakes
Astronomer Royal (A P O'Brien) 9-1; Creachadoir (J S Bolger) 8-1; Duke Of Marmalade (A P O'Brien) 12-1; Excellent Art (A P O'Brien); 12-1 He's A Decoy (D Wachman) 16-1.
Aidan O'Brien won three in a row between 2000-02 but his team faces a big task against the double Guineas winner Cockney Rebel and the Newmarket Guineas third, Dutch Art whose trainer Peter Chapple-Hyam has been itching for another crack at Cockney Rebel. Astronomer Royal won the French Guineas but on the stiff Ascot mile, Duke Of Marmalade could be best of the Irish.
4.20 Queen Anne Stakes
George Washington (A P O'Brien) 15-8.
The ex-stallion George Washington returns to the less pleasant pursuit of racing and it will be fascinating to see if his mind can be tuned back in. In his favour is that this isn't the strongest Group One ever with the Lockinge winner Red Evie possibly his most potent danger.
Wednesday
3.45 Prince Of Wales's Stakes
Dylan Thomas (A P O'Brien) 9-4
Dylan Thomas could get revenge on his Tattersalls Gold Cup conqueror Notnowcato and still not secure the fourth Group One of his career. Last year's Derby winner Sir Percy and the Breeders' Cup hero Red Rocks are formidable but the biggest obstacle of all could be France's Manduro who is in the form of his life.
Thursday
3.45 Gold Cup
Yeats (A P O'Brien) 4-5:
The former Derby favourite was an impressive winner last year and if anything looks a better horse in two starts this season. Also in his favour is a field that is big in numbers but looks low on quality. If the ground is not too quick, Yeats will be very hard to beat.
Friday
3.45 Coronation Stakes
Alexander Tango (T Stack) 33-1 Arch Swing (JM Oxx) 10-1 Finsceal Beo (JS Bolger) 7-4
Finsceal Beo has been the superstar filly of the season and gets the chance to revenge a French Guineas defeat by Darjina who denied her a unique classic Triple Crown. A possible dark horse is the German runner Mi Emma but it could be her old rival Arch Swing who gives her most to do. Fast ground will be right up the Oxx's runner's street and Arch Swing could be the value bet.
Saturday
3.45 Golden Jubilee Stakes
Dandy Man (T Collins) 20-1
Ireland's best sprinter, Dandy Man, looked a top contender for Ascot honours until being beaten at Naas earlier this month. The ground was softer than ideal though and there will be worse each-way bets this week than Princess Haya Of Jordan's new purchase. The unknown quantities are the Australian sprinters but the picture will be clearer after the Kings Stand earlier in the week.
