PGA Merchandise Show & Convention: Finding 10 worthy new products for the average golfer? Easier said than done. Bruce Selcraig travels to 'The Show' in Orlando, Florida, and finds an incredible range of golf-related products - everything from the latest must-have driver to magic jellybeans.

The other day in Florida a young, confident factotum for a no-doubt splendid American golf club manufacturer glanced my way and cooed: "The TVC Beta-Titanium CUP FACE of the Z2H5 driver has a proprietary plasma welding and hollow-body technology that enables maximum rebound and congenital hubris . . . "

Well, I may have missed that last part because I had already put in a long day at the ungodly enormous 53rd annual PGA Merchandise Show & Convention in Orlando, where 40,000 buyers, media and golfaholics often encounter such techno-geeks. I've found you can shorten most salespitches by simply asking: "Does it matter where I hold the club?"

We tease "The Show", as it's universally known in the golf industry, but deep down we purveyors of golf equipment porn could no more avoid this four-day endurance marathon than could you avert your eyes from a 12-car pile-up on the M50.

Imagine an exhibition space of 1.1 million square feet - Croke Park sits on a site of 700,000 square feet - inside a convention centre seven times that size, all plopped in the middle of one of America's most legendarily tacky tourist boulevards, a plasticised, Disney-dependent ghetto of chain restaurants, T-shirt shops and sunburned Germans. (Amazingly, in the Tiger-frenzied 1990s, The Show was even bigger, with crowds over 50,000 and million-dollar, two-story "booths" by Callaway and Cobra the size of city blocks.)

Inside the Orange County Convention Center last month some 1,200 exhibitors came to show off the newest clubs, shoes, training aids, pesticides, ball dispensers, travel destinations, massage recliners, cigars, waterproofs, sunglasses, watches, computer software and four million other gizmos ranging from balls imprinted with verses from the Bible to headcovers that look like raccoons.

Some products are genuinely inspired innovations. Most are inconsequential. Several will make you weep for our civilization.

The pre-show activity starts on Wednesday with a wildly popular "Demo Day" that brings 5,000 club pros, reporters and dozens of club companies to a 42-acre, circular, grass driving range - billed as the largest in America - in the swampy woods outside Orlando. By the end of the day the throng will have hit some half-million balls.

At the Nike station (www.nikegolf.com), chief club designer Tom Stites, who holds 28 US patents, saw crowds often three-deep waiting to hit Tiger Woods' new black-and-yellow driver, the hulking SasQuatch. When the wait got too long we often had to prod the more loathsome of swingers.

"Sir," barked an Australian accent toward a helpless hacker who just plowed his SasQuatch, "I buried my mother with less dirt."

At the Mizuno tent a very loud, macho and unctuous TV sportscaster - perhaps I've repeated myself - roared about how he blasted balls all day with the Japanese firm's new MX-500 driver. He quieted somewhat when the Mizuno reps told him the shaft he used was meant for senior women.

When the actual show opens Thursday morning it's a slightly more restrained version of Pamplona's running of the bulls. It's almost euphoric and ultimately overwhelming. We are hummingbirds in the Amazon. You can't see it all.

Maybe we're missing something at Adidas!

There's Greg Norman pitching a driver!

David Leadbetter on skin cancer awareness!

"Try these jellybeans," beckons a matronly woman with a syrupy Georgia accent. "They'll give you energy and make you hit the ball farther."

I break the cardinal rule and stare one-tenth of a second too long at some silly thingamabob that attaches to your golf trolley. "Go ahead and say it!" chirps the inventor, perfecting his pitch. "It looks funny, doesn't it?" I fake a war injury and move on.

A barrel-chested fellow named Francis tells me he holds the patent to the "outward angled traction tooth golf cleat" and that when the courts finally recognise this he will be a very happy man. "I can't talk about the litigation," he said in a conspiratorial whisper, "but you'll be writing about it forever." Indeed.

Every booth has a story like that, and there are 10 miles of booths. On my best day, according to a just-acquired Accusplit pedometer (www.accusplit.com), I cover only 4.2 miles, a bit less than walking my home course in Texas, but far more taxing on the feet and lower back due to the thinly-carpeted concrete. (By the second day the booth with a dozen massage therapists is completely booked.)

My personal mission is to find 10 worthy products. Within minutes I luck into Vic Valdez, of Seattle, Washington, where it rained 27 consecutive days recently. He shows me his simple, clever Rainwedge (www.rainwedge.com), a light-weight rain cover for your bag that, once fastened, easily opens and closes with one hand.

When the rain stops you unhook it and store it lengthwise in your bag. No more metal snaps. No more sopping towels. Remind me, does it still rain in Ireland?

Conversations are barely more than a blur at this point. I run into Roger Warren, the new CEO of the PGA of America, who quickly says "no" when I ask if he thinks golf has gotten too expensive. "It's one of the most affordable family activities," he says, perhaps speaking for the Trump family.

Soon I have thrust into my hand a Pulsar plastic golf cleat by Softspikes (www.softspikes.com), which they claim has greater durability, less clogging and more traction than their very popular Black Widow.

I've worn them a week. I think they're right. Who would've guessed 10 years ago such a quick demise for the classic metal golf spike?

One of my favourite stops is the travel section. Smiling faces from Costa Rica, Spain, Wales, Scotland, Mexico and, most prominent of all, Ireland, regale you with images of sugar-white beaches, alluring golf and luxurious spas. Sinfully large spas. Spas the size of Kerry. Who could possibly be this tense?

Brendan Keogh, representing 12 famous south-west courses (www.swinggolfireland.com), echoes the Roger Warrens of golfdom and tells me the likes of Doonbeg, Ballybunion and Waterville - all costing 150 to 180 - actually aren't over-priced at all. "The public can at least play them," he says. "Can you say that about your Augusta? Pine Valley? All private."

John Farren and John McLaughlin, marketing the North & West Coast Links of Carne, Connemara, Enniscrone and eight others (www.northandwestcoastlinks.com), seemed to be enjoying heavy traffic. "We used to apologise for the drive time to get to some of our courses," said Farren, "but now people can fly into Galway, and our roads are much better. You can stay in Ballyliffin and play six outstanding courses."

Niall O'Callaghan, a city councillor in Killarney and former Irish international basketball player, said a host of Americans stopped by to say how much they adored his scenic town, "but the one slight negative is that so many of them are only interested in playing the famous links courses, not the great parkland venues". (www.killarney-golf.com)

By the way, should you ever want glorious, large-format photography of Ireland's best links, in calendars, books or prints, the finest I've seen are from Larry Lambrecht, www.irishgolfphotos.com.

For sunnier destinations, you might pay attention to the Maya Riviera around Cancun, Mexico (www.cancun.info), where intriguing seaside courses by Tom Fazio, Jack Nicklaus, Nick Price and Greg Norman will be joined by several more within two years. The US PGA Tour will stop at Norman's course in 2007, and Fairmont's much-awaited Mayakoba resort opens in April (www.mayakoba.com).

Oh, you wanted to hear about golf clubs? That being a highly subjective thing, we'll limit the testimonials, but of the dozens hit, I found the following new models well worth their hype: Mizuno's MP-60 irons, a beautiful and more forgiving successor to their remarkable MP-32s; Callaway's FT-3 driver comes in fade, draw and neutral biases; Nickent's exceptional DC Ironwood hybrids have finally catapulted this company to the big leagues; TaylorMade's R7 425 driver has proven the weighted screws really work and are here to stay; and, in putters, Ray Cook's Blue Goose II and MacGregor's new Bobby Grace blade models, both from veteran designers, are the most responsive I've used in a long time.

However, it's never the putter. It's you.

OGIO works hard to craft their hip-hop image (www.ogio.com), but beneath it all they've become one of the most innovative, customer-friendly and reliable brands in golf.

Their golf bags are always stylish and efficient, but I'm a particular fan of their bullet-proof travel bags. I've carried their Straight Jacket model across three or four continents without a single tear or zipper malfunction. Now its larger sibling, the Monster, touts a rigid back and more pockets. Perfect for transporting loud relatives.

Caveat emptor. If you're beginning to think the PGA Show must be crawling with compromised golf "writers" who enthuse about whatever is given to them for free, well, sadly, you're on to something. Meet Californian Leonard Finkel, the gregarious and well-connected King of Golf Swag.

"Honestly, that's why I became a writer," he confessed with alarming honesty, "to travel to cool places and get free stuff."

"But wouldn't it be more helpful to write honestly about these products?" I asked.

"You mean rip them? Do something negative," he said.

"Or truthful," I parried. "Truthful would be nice."

"Now why would I want to do that?" he smiled. "That's just not my philosophy. I help those companies who help me."

Now he calls himself a consultant.

And while we're digressing, I found it strange that the one thing almost completely missing from this mammoth slice of Americana where men outnumber women about 10 to one is even the hint of sex. Were this a computer or auto show there'd be a bevy of ill-prepared and under-dressed women hawking hard drives and radial tires. If it were an American pro football or basketball game you'd be covering your children's eyes for fear of mammary overload from the cheerleaders.

But the corporate golf lords, ever mindful of public perception, if not reality, want us to think they are above all that sleaze and respect women as equals and, of course, valued customers. Only the boob-happy Hooters chain, which was showing off its new vacuous magazine, had buxom girls signing autographs at their booth. Very curious. This all seems ripe for anthropological study by the Royal & Ancient.

Even more than golf clubs, golf shoes are all about individual taste, but two emerging brands (at least in golf) made such an impact at the show that one even cured my golf swing.

Hi-Tec, a 32-year-old English company endorsed by Padraig Harrington and Ian Woosnam (www.hi-tec.com), is producing both classic and athletic golf shoes with more stability than most. To prove it, Hi-Tec's director of golf, Brian Bednarek, led me to a black, rubberised hitting platform embedded with sensors that sent information about my balance and weight distribution to a computer. One glance at their laptop readout not only showed me that the Hi-Tec CDT Power gripped better than my current pair, but the computer graphically showed me that too much of my weight (nearly 70 per cent) was out on my toes during my swing, causing a dreaded over-the-top move. Now I'm healed.

Ecco has long been a well-regarded name (www.eccogolf.com) in the European street-shoe market, but their marvellous golf shoes - now worn by Colin Montgomerie and Thomas Bjorn - are making huge strides in the US as well. They remain the only golf shoe I've ever worn that were comfortable right out of the box, without any additional inserts or orthotics. If you like the spikeless variety, with no cleats, just gnarly traction ridges, try the roomy Etonic G-Sok (www.etonic.com).

Best cheap product for your pocket? Jeremy Hall, from Georgia (www.golfproductsofamerica.com), has created an orange, plastic, Y-shaped device - "The Original Golf Y" - that golfers can stick in wet grass when they want to rest an extra club so the grip won't get damp. No more balancing clubs on tees or laying clubs on towels. Yes, I know what you're thinking. Jeremy, keep your real job.

The headcovers this year were all fairly plain, except for some original, hand-painted "warriors" by Voodoo Visions (www.voodoovisions.com) that are so imaginative I'd be more concerned about headcover theft.

For rain gear, the truth is that several companies, such as Galvin Green and Sunderland, make warm, waterproof, flexible clothing that works great. The question seems to be style and functionality. Are zippers, Velcro and drawstrings in all the logical places? Do you look like a gardener or an athlete? Two brands I've worn through all of Ireland that offer a wider assortment of textures, colours and styles, without ever sacrificing wind or water protection, are Sun Mountain (more famous for their golf bags) and Zero Restriction (the most popular rain gear on the US PGA Tour. (www.zerorestriction.com)

The women's designs are outstanding. Sun Mountain (www.sunmountain.com) also makes one of golf's best high-tech trolleys, the Speed Cart, which is built so well you can bequeath it to the ankle-biters.

Alright, if you insist, balls. There is little reason to switch from the Titleist Pro-V1 series if you can afford them. They're brilliant.

But here are two less expensive alternatives that really perform well: the new Callaway HX Tour (www.callawaygolf.com) and Srixon's Z-UR (www.srixon.com). Then, with all your abundant savings, perhaps you should march to a driving range and do the one thing that never gets over-hyped and breathlessly marketed at The Show. Practice.

Bruce Selcraig is a Texas-based journalist who writes for the New York Times, Smithsonian and Golf Connoisseur, among others. None of these products will ever help his game. Selcraig@swbell.net