HAVING gazumped the BBC's `but we're a national institution, guffaw, guffaw' offer for the exclusive rights to broadcast the 1997 Formula One season with a £60 million bid, ITV's executives settled down to watch the station's debut in the Australian Grand Prix on Saturday night. By lap three it looked like it might be a very short debut indeed.

"Aaaargh - Damon Hill is pulling off... well my goodness, Damon out before the race even starts," said a stunned Murray Walker as Damo's Arrow ground to a halt during the warm-up lap. (Those cynics who claimed that Damo's move from the Williams team to Arrows was akin to Paolo Maldini transferring from AC Milan to Scunthorpe United were proved correct after all).

Lap one. "Villeneuve, Villeneuve, Villeneuve out of the race, howled Murray, even though only one Villeneuve actually crashed out of the race. "And Johnny Herbert out... and... my goodness... out goes Eddie Irvine."

Lap two. "Retirements, retirements... and another retirement... this is Ralf Schumacher - my goodness, they're going out like flies.

Lap three. "And OFF... a major off there... it's Verstappen. My goodness."

By now, the ITV execs must have felt like boxing fans who'd lashed out £1,000 for ringside seats only for the fight to end after three seconds. Would there be any drivers left after lap four?

"What is going on? Is this the first day back at school or what," said a disbelieving Martin Brundle, Murray's co-commentator for the new season. "Everybody's all over the place - they lust need to calm down.

Martin found it a little difficult to calm himself down when, on lap 14, the second Jordan car, driven by Giancarlo Fisichella, went spinning off the track. "Dare I say they should have had a more experienced driver in the car," said the experienced driver who was dropped by Jordan at the end of last season.

Meanwhile, Ukyo Katayama was getting so excited out on the track that he was probably close to tears in his little Minardi. Earlier in the evening Ukyo had appeared on the Clive James Formula One Show, with a host of other drivers, and was asked about his hopes for the 1997 season.

"Ukyo, in your first Formula One season you had three shunts, in your second you had four, in your third, six and in your fourth, seven - what are your plans for this season?" asked Clive. "Oh, I like to finish a race," said burning-with-ambition Ukyo.

Fifteen minutes in to the Australian Grand Prix there was a bit of a chance that Ukyo might pull off a Foinavon and end up with only himself to beat - mind you, according to the experts `himself' is Ukyo's most difficult opponent.

But the fairytale wasn't to be, Ukyo took an early bath after lap 32 (a race of marathon proportions for him) and he of the extraordinary jaw, David Coulthard hung on to win the race.

While David was wasting a good bottle of champagne in his post-race celebrations on the podium, Damo was back in the Arrows' garage trying, politely, to explain to his mechanics that an engine that goes `vroom, vroom', rather than `splerug', is a vital component of a grand prix racing car.

And polite Damon most certainly is. When he turned up on the Clive James Formula One Show, he was asked (for the 3,736th time) if he was bitter about being dumped by Williams at the end of last season. He, of course, said "not at all".

Then mischievous Clive sprang a surprise on Damo. "Patrick Head, one of the team bosses at Williams, is actually here tonight in the audience Damon - now's your chance to have a word with him. Would you like to say something to Patrick?" For one exciting second it looked like Damon might curse on national television but, Well, he didn't. "Hello Patrick - miss me?," was all he would say.

"Patrick Head - have you anything to say to Damon," asked naughty, naughty Clive. Patrick looked less than amused by this ambush. "Um... no... I just wish him all the best in 1997." ("He'll need it in that crock," he wanted to say, but didn't). "Hello Damon, good to see you," he added in as sincere a way as he could manage. "The warmth is so touching," said a grinning Clive.

ITV presenter Jim Rosenthal may have described Damo's crock as his "sexy little number" (?) but the fact remains - if his Arrow moves at all, it takes 25 minutes to go from nought to 60 and that Just isn't competitive enough in the world of Formula One.

Still, always look on the bright side of life Damo - you could be driving for Lola. Although, in many ways, the Lola lads, Vincenzo Sospiri and Ricardo Rosset, are the drivers who have it made.

They both failed to qualify for the Australian Grand Prix and, by all accounts, will probably repeat the feat in most of the season's remaining 16 races, but that just gives them more time to go sightseeing in many of the world's finest cities.

"Mobile chicanes," Murray cruelly called Vincenzo and Ricardo's automobiles during Friday's qualifying session. He may well mock. forget Villeneuve, Frentzen and Schumacher - betcha Vincenzo, Ricardo, Ukyo and Damo will provide the real entertainment this season.