TV View: No matter what prejudices you held before yesterday's game surely even you must have felt sorry for them? The look on their faces after the game would have defrosted the iciest of hearts. The fact was Gary Lineker and his BBC panel had barely unpacked their toothbrushes in their Shizuoka hotel when it was time for them to go home again.
Not that we're looking for scapegoats but the truth is everything had been going swimmingly for Sven's boys while the Beeb's World Cup team remained in London. Then what happens? They fly out to Japan and 90 minutes later it's all over. And it is, now. ITV, who'd never left home, could only chortle.
The other mistake the BBC made was to open their coverage yesterday with copious references to that game in Mexico in 1970. It was at this point they lost their entire viewership to ITV because, even for Gordon Banks, there are only so many times you can listen to talk about that game in Mexico in 1970, without losing the will to inhale oxygen.
"I could talk about Pele and his like forever," Bobby Charlton told Lineker, and you didn't doubt him. "In 1957 I was . . . ", he started and Ian Wrightie's eyes glazed over, just as Del Boy's do when Uncle Albert starts talking about the war.
"All I hope," Bobby concluded, some time later, "is that it's not something daft like a mistake that decides this match." Cue seamless link: over on ITV Gazza was paying tribute to David Seaman. "A coupla games he's kept Inland in it, like, hoply he does the same agin taday, like" he said. "We won't realise how good David Seaman was until he leaves his post," added Gary Neville, not realising then that Seaman leaving his post would be England's undoing in Shizuoka.
Back on the Beeb Pele, who hasn't been well recently, was telling us he thought the player of the tournament was Nicky Butt, a sentiment that, had he heard it, would have gone down well with Gazza who reckoned the "Inland mifeed of Butenscols" was the best in the whole World Cup.
The ITV gang agreed Ronaldo poised the biggest threat to England's hopes and, luckily enough, they had a man on hand who knew the Brazilian intimately. "You know him so well," said Des Lynam. "Ah yeah," said Bobby "Sir" Robson, "I lived with him for a year." "Really," said Des. "Yes," said Bobby. "And when I had him at Barcelona he scored 32 goals in the season, but only one in the air . . . not a lot of people know that," he said. Except, perhaps, Mr Caine?
Kick-off. Emile Heskey? "A raging bull, without the rage," said Clive Tyldesley, an observation that hinted he felt Heskey's place was in a china shop and not the England line-up.
Big Ron, though, was more interested in Paul Scholes' match-winning abilities. Having been told by Clive that Scholes hadn't scored in 13 internationals Ron declared: "That's a good sign for England". Why? "Because he's due a goal." Riiiight.
Lucio deftly thighed the ball into Michael Owen's path. Goal.
The English press have noted the past couple of weeks that John "Motson" Motty appears to have developed an obsession with food, one that rears its ugly head on a regular basis in his commentaries. Indeed. Before kick-off? "You could leave the bacon and eggs for just a couple of hours." When Owen scored? "Owen sizzles in Shizuoka and gets the sausages sizzling back home." Would somebody please feed Motty.
Rivaldo. Equaliser. Half-time. "Every time Ronaldo gets the ball you get the full panic up you," as Peter Reidie put it.
Confidence was dipping in pundit-land. Gazza, sitting between Bobby and Tel Venables, had lost eight pounds by half-time through fidgeting (notice how Bobby's right sleeve and Tel's left were shredded) and it had dawned on Wrightie that England had to do more than turn up to win.
Second half. Ronaldinho. Harmless free-kick. Seaman. Goal. Soon after: Ronaldinho, red card. Then England decided if they chased the game they'd have no energy left for their going-away party so they settled for a 2-1 defeat. Well, that's how it appeared from this couch.
Full-time. Seaman inconsolable. Sven, his entire backroom staff and 22 England players queued up on the pitch to tell him it wasn't his fault, proof, if it was required, that it was. David James whispered something in Seaman's ear. Not sure, but it was probably "been there, mate - loadsa times". At least Alan Hansen wasn't too harsh on him, apart from: "Where is Schmeichel when we need him?" Conclusions?
On RTÉ Liamo Brady suggested it was a triumph for "brain over brawn", but didn't actually mention Heskey and Danny Mills by name. Wrightie, who had spent the past couple of weeks telling us that England was the best team in the world and would beat Brazil 3-1, conceded that "maybes we woz getting too over the top about it". We?
Bobby Robson, meanwhile, signed off by telling us "the teams that are left in will be happy we've gone". Before quickly adding: "although, obviously, Brazil are still there."
On Sky News they were speaking to someone about depression. Would the fans take it badly? "Not so much in this country," she said, "I think if Brazil had lost there would have been a very, very profound effect. It is in their nature, in England we have a lot more to be proud of." Credit to Sky News, if they're out there they'll find 'em.
Germany v USA. An ITV reporter visited a baseball game in New York's Shea Stadium. "Do you know who the USA is playing in the quarter-finals today," he asked one punter. "No - and I couldn't care less," he replied. What was his problem with the lovely game? "It's too international." He won't know, but the USA lost. If they have their homecoming party in Central Park the only ones in attendance will be three squirrels, two jackdaws and a puzzled hot-dog seller. Unless local DJ Jo Duffee turns up to welcome them home.
