Looking ahead for peace of mind

Living in lockdown: Sela Garza writes about her experience during the coronavirus pandemic

Sela Garza: ’I’m not telling anyone to go out and purchase a flight or a concert ticket - but we are absolutely allowed to make tentative plans with no exact date.’

I believe it’s safe to say that after roughly two months of restrictions, many of us are beginning to suffer to some degree from “lockdown fatigue.” I think back to the first few weeks of restrictions when my emotions were frenzied, back when I didn’t believe I was actually capable of surviving one more day inside my apartment.

Over time my emotions have somewhat stabilised as I have settled into the “new normal,” but there are of course, up-days and down-days, and in-between days when I don’t really know how to feel, or why I should have to feel anything at all.

One thing that’s become very clear to me throughout this restricted period is that it is affecting everyone’s mental health - we are very much in this together, despite the fact that we cannot physically be together.

For those of us who were already suffering from mental illness prior to Covid-19 - the lockdown has likely amplified these feelings, and left us feeling more isolated than ever before. Humans are social creatures - we like to be outside, we like to interact with other humans, we like to take ourselves out to eat and buy ourselves nice things.

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Online shopping, virtual hang-outs, and filter coffee at home don’t give us quite the same sense of satisfaction or self-actualisation. Being home 24/7 has forced us to look inward - to check-in with our mental health and to assign more meaning than ever before to the phrase “self-care,” whether this is journaling, yoga, meditation, walking, taking a bath. The list goes on and on, and bear in mind - that list is subjective. Find what works for you.

How lucky we are to be living in a time when mental illness carries less stigma - when people speak out about how they are feeling and encourage others to do the same. There was a time in my life where I honestly believed I was the only person I knew who suffered from anxiety.

I'm only 25, but I have actually been able to witness and experience this change in the way we approach mental health during my lifetime. I've always said to my friends that I'm an open book - sometimes I think I'm a little bit too open, but I don't think we should ever have to hide what is going on inside our heads. We all have thoughts, and those thoughts aren't always happy and optimistic, and that's okay. It's okay to be Debbie Downer for a day. Embrace it, and then learn to move past it.

I think the hardest thing for me throughout this lockdown has been the fact that it sometimes does not feel like there is anything to look forward to at the end of the tunnel. As a historically anxious person, I am always full-speed-ahead, planning every day out for the next decade of my life, and beyond.

This can be overwhelming at times, but it is also the thing that keeps me going. It is the thing that keeps me meeting my goals, and turning ideas into realities. I know that about myself - I need to have something to look forward to. I need to have plans that are set in stone. Nothing makes me more uneasy, or sends me down the rabbit hole quite like uncertainty - and the rabbit hole is a terrifying place to be.

If you've ever seen any of the X-Men movies, and can remember the distressed moments when Jean Grey suddenly hears the thoughts of everyone around her - that's what anxiety feels like for me, except the thoughts I'm hearing are my own.

Some of my most frustrating days during quarantine have been those days when I just can’t muster a single ounce of optimism, and I can’t calm my brain down enough to do anything productive. Some days I can write five thousand words in one go and read half a book. Other days I can’t write or read any words at all, because there’s simply too much going on internally to allow room for anything creative.

While I am not a doctor or a therapist, and am not in any way qualified to give medical advice - I do want to share that I think it is important, especially for anyone suffering with anxiety, to still be thinking ahead. To be planning things post-Covid-19.

I’m not telling anyone to go out and purchase a flight or a concert ticket - but we are absolutely allowed to make tentative plans with no exact date. Things we will do when this is all over, even if we don’t know exactly when that will be. People we’ll see.

Places we’ll go. It is so important to remember that there is an exit on the other side of the tunnel. Life exists beyond Covid-19. And now that we have a provisional roadmap towards the country reopening - making plans is slightly more gratifying than it was a month ago.

I understand that scribbling down future plans in a journal might not feel as satisfying as adding something to a specific date in your Google calendar, but it's something, at least. It's something to keep us going - something to stay excited about - especially as we begin to lose momentum during this period when uncertainty is the only thing we have to be certain about.