British electoral politics are still reassuringly loony

Former British prime minister Liz Truss is in an increasingly desperate battle to save her House of Commons seat in the rural constituency of South West Norfolk. Beautiful it might be, but this bucolic little corner of England could be the scene for another ugly chapter in Truss’s mercurial political career.

South West Norfolk was once one of the safest Tory seats in Britain, but resentment of Truss among a faction of local Tories combined with the ubiquitous rise of Reform UK has turned it into a four-way marginal in the final week.

Truss is battling Labour, Reform and also a local independent candidate from the Conservative gene pool, James Bagge. He is a former member of the so-called Turnip Taliban of rural, traditional Tory activists who previously tried to depose Truss following an extramarital affair scandal.

Last week, mystery vandals targeted Truss election hoardings, scrubbing out the last two letters of her surname and replacing them with “MP”. Accusations of politically cavorting with supporters of the former, and possibly next, US president are among the volley of complaints that have been levelled at her locally in Norfolk.

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Truss might cling on. But if she doesn’t, Britain’s shortest-serving prime minister would set another unwanted historic mark as the first former prime minister to be defeated at a general election since Herbert Asquith in 1918. .

Imagine, then, how her humiliation might be compounded if she was pictured onstage at the results night ceremony next to a man named Elvis wearing a flaming orange suit and top hat. Truss’s constituency is one of 22 being targeted by the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, which has been running candidates for more than 40 years.

Joke candidates, who often bear serious messages, are a beloved tradition in British electoral politics. There was a tsunami of mirth in May’s London mayoral race, for example, when the far-right Britain First candidate Nick Scanlon received fewer votes than Count Binface, an independent with a dustbin for a head whose main policy was to rename a Thames crossing as Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

In South West Norfolk, the Monster Raving Loony candidate is listed on the ballot as Earl Elvis of East Anglia. His manifesto includes a promise to sell socks in threes, so you still have a pair if you lose one. He has also pledged to paint half of the UK’s grey squirrels red to boost the population of the native variety.

Like Truss, arch Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg is also in a desperate battle to hold on to his seat. One of his opponents is the Loony candidate Barmy Brunch

Earl Elvis, whose real name is Ashley Inwood, says the real reason he is running is to highlight the lack of a “none of the above” tick box on British ballot papers, which he believes should be an official choice. When he ran previously in 2019, he was photographed joking with Truss in the count centre. She might be less likely to make small talk this week if she loses.

The Monster Raving Loony Party usually targets the constituencies of high-profile politicians. One of Tory prime minister Rishi Sunak’s opponents in Richmond and Northallerton, in north Yorkshsire, is a Loony party candidate called Sir Archibald Stanton, who has promised to ban greyhound racing to “stop Britain going to the dogs”. He wears a tiger-print suit. Count Binface is also standing here.

One of Labour leader Keir Starmer’s opponents in the north London constituency of Holborn & St Pancras is listed on the ballot paper as Nick the Incredible Flying Brick, a veteran candidate for the Loonies in multiple elections and byelections. Real name Nick Delves, he says he will abolish gravity. “A good first experiment would be to tunnel into the centre of the moon. Please contact me if you are willing to finance this project,” he says on his campaign website.

Like Truss, arch Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg is also in a desperate battle to hold on to his seat. One of his opponents is the Loony candidate Barmy Brunch, real name Phil Adams. He wears a face mask of baked beans with fried eggs for eyes: “Together we can make brunch great again.”

Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey, Labour’s Diane Abbott and Tory environment secretary Claire Coutinho are all up against candidates for the Official Monster Raving Looney Party. The party leader, Howling Laud Hope (Alan Hope), is running against Truss ally Ranil Jayawardena in North East Hampshire.

The Loonies won’t win any seats and probably won’t even keep their deposits. How could they? Hope once shared the party leadership with his cat, Catmando.

The claws may still be out among senior Tories come Friday if some of their big beasts are tamed by insurgent candidates.