No one in real offices says 'you're fired'; instead, poisonous words are concealed under a veil of civility and innocence, writes Lucy Kellaway.
LAST WEEK Sir Alan Sugar said "you're fired" to three of the last four candidates in The Apprentice, and 8.9 million people sat on sofas all over Britain gawping at the expressions of bitter disappointment, shock and anger that these two words inspired.
Most of us viewers know exactly how foul failure tastes. We also know how a few words from a boss can spoil our day, our week - or our career. Yet very few of us will have had these two particular words aimed at us. No one in real offices says "you're fired" or "that was crap"; indeed, they hardly ever say anything nasty at all.
Instead, all the bites we receive are like Lady Macbeth: "Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under't."
Whether the floral surface makes the bite any less bad is a moot point. The flower might successfully hide the serpent the first time you encounter it, but once you come to recognise these particular flowers, you get very jumpy indeed when you come into contact with them.
To extend the metaphor further, I have been out collecting a botanical array of these dangerous workplace blooms, and have here arranged them for you in ascending order of deadliness.
• "I've told the work-experience girl that you'd be a great person to shadow." This little flower does immediate damage, but the effect is relatively small and short-lived.
• "I've put you down for diversity training on Thursday." This also has an instant negative effect on the spirits; one that is made much worse if there is any implication that you've been singled out as being especially in need of such training.
• "Have you thought about . . . " is not a way of introducing a useful idea, it is a way of saying: you jolly well ought to have thought of this and are a fool for not having done so. "What was the thinking behind this?" is in the same vein, but even worse as it implies that there wasn't any.
• "I have always been a great admirer of your work . . . " is waiting for the BUT to pick up on some dreadful thing that you've done, the implication being that they now think you are an idiot. The fact that they used to admire you does not soften the blow of their current contempt, it sharpens it.
• "Were you in the meeting?" This can be taken in two ways, both as bad as the other. Either you were in the meeting, in which case you made no impact at all. Or you were not, in which case the question invites a rush of paranoia as to why you are always excluded when important things are decided.
• "I know you've put a lot of work into this project . . . " is the opposite of praise for diligence. It is a nasty prelude to being told that the whole project is being canned.
• "First, the good news." This is ominous because if someone is going out of their way to flag the good news, it suggests that the bad news is going to be so bitter that an attempt at sugaring is needed.
• "I've asked X to work with you on this project. He's very experienced and I know you'll make a great team." This means that you are deemed a failure and someone is being brought in over your head.
• "God, that was brave!" You haven't been brave at all: you've been monumentally stupid; indeed, you may just have committed career suicide.
• "Can I have a word?" In five words rather than the one promised, the speaker informs you that something very nasty is coming your way. This phrase catapults you straight back to school days - it is the office equivalent of "the headmaster wants to see you".
• "Can I have a word? Are you around later?" This is slightly worse than the above as you have to wait around all day with the sick feeling that something terrible is going to happen before you can go home.
• "Are you all right?" In the office everyone is meant to look all right at all times, so having your failure to look so pointed out is really bad. A marginally better version of this is "you look like you need a holiday" or "you look tired" - which means you aren't coping and you look old and ugly too.
• "I know you've been under a lot of pressure lately." This is unforgivable as it a) acknowledges that life has been giving you a kicking recently and b) implies that you have not been dealing with it well. And then, despite a) and b), the speaker is gearing up to a BUT that will give you another kick, which given how much pressure you are under, you are not likely to withstand.
I realise these botanical exhibits are just a start. However, I believe that such a collection is invaluable in helping us navigate modern office work, so I am keen to build it up further.
I would be most grateful if readers would send me their own most poisonous specimens and I will publish an updated list in due course.
However, on the deadliest flower of all, I don't think I need readers' help. The following says in eight words what Sir Alan said last week to Claire, Alex and Helen in just two . . . "I've asked someone from HR to join us."
- (Financial Times service)
