It isn't always easy to be assertive in the workplace. But pent-up resentment and anger damage workers' physical and mental health. It also makes for less effective workers and less profitable businesses.

According to psychotherapist Ms Fionnula MacLiam: "The whole underpinning of assertiveness is that everyone is of equal value and so everyone has equally valid opinions.

"And so the assertive person would be making sure to ask the meek people for their opinion on things rather than rushing blindly ahead."

But is the aggressive person more efficient? "They could be quite effective. And certainly they get their own way a lot. But they wouldn't be very much liked and by not listening to other people's opinions, they could be making quite a lot of mistakes which they have to then go back on," she says. Spending a lot of time at work can be a manifestation of people undervaluing themselves. "They're trying to plug every gap. They're feeling themselves responsible for every solution. If there's no one around to do a job that needs to be done, they'll do it," says Ms MacLiam.

By valuing ourselves more, we enjoy a more balanced kind of a life, she says. "When you've got your work in proportion to your social life and your own free time and so on, you tend to be much more effective at what you're doing. And much more relaxed in the way you do it so your whole interpersonal relationships go much more smoothly."

To achieve that balance, people need to be assertive. "Everyone is assertive. There's no such thing as somebody who is totally unassertive because although we have a predominant way of expressing ourselves, whether it is assertive, submissive, aggressive, we'll always be assertive in some situations, with some people.

"Some people find it a lot easier to be assertive with their family. Other people would find it much easier to be assertive with strangers. Some people would die bringing goods back to a shop and other people have no problem with that but would have great difficulty being assertive with their colleagues," says Ms MacLiam.

In the workplace, people can be expected to do a task that is not theirs, such as staying late "because often people are bullied into feeling responsible for other people's problems".

By declining to do such a task, workers can start valuing themselves more.

It needn't be a case of a flat refusal. "People often think that if you say `no', the world is going to collapse. There's ways of saying no. You don't have to say it outright. You can negotiate. You can start asking questions. `Is there anyone else who'll do it? Is there any other time it can be done?' - trying to seek a solution in some way," she says.

"People often fear that the biggest problem of saying no is that they're going to get into a conflict. Part of assertiveness training is learning to deal with conflict.

"But because nobody is keen on it at all, what we're looking for is some kind of process in which you're working together rather than working against each other. So you're looking for a solution with the other person. The other person has generally only thought of one solution, which is `you do it'."

Many people justify submission for years on end because of job insecurity or because they want to opt for the quiet life. But they do not realise that the cost to themselves is very high, says Ms MacLiam.

"You're not making your own needs known. You're not making your desires and wishes known. And so you end up doing things to please others all the time, which is not having your own life.

"And so people can get very depressed. And resentful as well. . . You don't feel any sense of control over what you're doing, which is very demoralising."

Tips for assertiveness:

You don't need to be assertive all the time. Pick the right time to discuss a grievance;

Trust in the other person's good will;

Start off on a positive note;

Discuss one specific issue, don't generalise;

Seek a solution to the current problem, don't drag up the past;

Say what you think and how you feel, using "I" rather than "you", which could contribute to other person feeling defensive;

Seek a win-win outcome.

jmarms@irish-times.ie