Budget Sketch / Frank McNally: It used to be that politics was all about bread and butter issues, but no longer. A measure of how far Ireland has come is that, at their most begrudging yesterday, Opposition parties accused the Minister for Finance of "spreading the jam very thinly".
Not only does butter not merit a mention, it's taken for granted now that we get preserves.
With €50 billion to spend next year, Brian Cowen turned up on Budget Day with sticky fingers. Another sign of the times was the length of his speech which, at 60 minutes, was a whopping 33 per cent up on last year.
The 45-minute container might have sufficed for Charlie "Chivers" McCreevy, but it couldn't hold all the fruit Biffo had to pack in.
Whatever about the claim that he was spreading things thinly, Mr Cowen was happy to concede that he was spreading them. In his triumphant conclusion, he boasted that the Government was simultaneously reducing tax, expanding services and being fiscally prudent.
"Most countries would be happy to achieve just one of those goals," he purred.
His speech had attracted dutiful heckling from the benches opposite.
"Is that all?" asked Emmet Stagg, when the vaunted childcare package was finally unveiled. But the heckling never rose above the predictable, unlike the Government's standing ovation, which looked almost spontaneous.
It spread from the back benches down, like a Mexican wave in a football stadium. As usual, the VIP section - here the PDs' Liz O'Donnell and Fiona O'Malley - initially declined to join in.
Then Liz rose to her feet and by the end, only Fiona and Biffo himself remained seated; both looking embarrassed at the attention they were getting.
When Richard Bruton led the reply, the barracking he received was in stark contrast to what the Minister had to endure. It came from all angles, but especially from Dick Roche and Noel Dempsey who, sitting side by side, turned into the most annoying double act since Beavis and Butthead.
At one point, as the unfortunate FG man recited a litany of empty Government promises, the pair chirruped in unison that the old age pension would be "€200 a year by 2007". The Minister for the Environment in particular clung to Mr Bruton like a bad rash.
When Mary Harney got up to leave, a voice on the FG benches pleaded earnestly: "Take Dick with you, Mary."
He went voluntarily soon afterwards, leaving Joan Burton to enjoy the mixed Budget Day benefits of the Labour finance spokesperson: empty Government benches and half an hour extra thinking time.
As usual she made the most of the latter, with a feisty performance that mixed criticism with faint praise. She spread the praise as thinly as she accused the Minister of spreading jam.
But in her view he had earned some of it for announcing the end of tax relief on stud fees: even if, with typical caution, he put this off to 2008, so as not to frighten the horses. Quoting Robbie Williams (after St Augustine), she summed up the Government philosophy: "Oh Lord, make me pure, but not yet."
