Cents & Nonsense:Cake or cat food? That's what you brought me here to see: a big, glossy advertisement with an outstretched pair of hands holding a rich chocolate cake in one hand and a manky bit of cat food in the other?

We think that it really drives the message home. Are we that desperate that we want to start using scare tactics? Frankly, yes. As your advertising agency, we think this is your only hope. It's edgy and visual and appeals to all age groups.

Appealing is not really the word I would use for it. Why don't we just stick to the knitting and talk about how pensions are the best way to avoid tax and that PRSAs are the latest must-have accessory.

Well, because it hasn't worked so far. More than 70 per cent of people don't know about the tax benefits for all pensions and the take-up on PRSAs has been fairly low.

I have lots of money to spend on this advertising campaign. We need something boring and predictable. People need to know they have to pay their bills in old age, not the Government and certainly not their employer!

Okay, you don't like the first option. Let's try the second idea out on our consumer - zoo animals panel and their trainer.

(A wall shifts to reveal a large pane of glass. Behind it are an advertising salesman and an open hatch. He beckons toward it and out steps a young woman in her 20s wearing shades, a trendy T-shirt, designer jeans and runners.)

Trainer: Visualise yourself on a tropical island surrounded by water. You are a silver-haired beauty and you and your husband live a wonderful life because you saved for your pension.

The sun is setting. A motorboat picks you up from your private villa and brings you to dinner on a secluded beach . . . Can you see it? Can you see it?

Girl: In my 70s, I'll be wearing dentures, nappies and have diabetes. I'll want to stay at home in front of the fire, not travel the world. I want to travel now and buy a house in a few years. Pension, are you kidding?

(Wall closes abruptly)

I'm sorry, it looks like she hasn't been properly trained. These consumers really have a mind of their own, despite our best efforts.

Sir, we have another idea. What about this for a tagline? (Sticks thumbs in nose and flares rest of fingers like a fan) - Attention citizens: pensions are your problem, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

I think that's too simplistic. It lacks a certain something . . . jargon and small print, perhaps?

What if we also introduced that move I just performed as trendy new dance and we could call it . . . wait for it . . . the pension time bomb?

Nobody dances anymore, but if we got a scantily-clad model doing the dance while holding pensions charts, we'd be onto a winner. The Sunday papers always look for the totty factor in their news photos, so we're sure to get coverage there.

That's been done to death. We need a totally new approach. I have it!

Should we just ask people how they want to fund retirement?

Have you lost the run of yourself man? Let the animals run the zoo!

Okay, well the next best thing to an actual conversation is an analysis of their demographics.

It says here that "Irish residents are getting older, living longer and many are not saving for retirement".

It is ridiculous. With savings rates like that, cat food really will be their only dining option. Personally, I'm all for that gout-inducing chocolate cake.

There are some interesting case studies here, too.

"Bill is in his 50s and is worried that he won't be able to survive on his pension fund due to the unpredictability of the stock markets. Five years ago, he bought a few properties and he hopes they increase in value over the next 15 years. He has no idea how much is in his fund, can't figure out the charges and is unsure whether it will cover his wife if he dies before her."

The guy wants guarantees? I guess he'll be talking about those new hybrid pensions next. The only things that are certain are death, taxes and a Civil Service pension.

Don't people realise that we're only interested in an endless supply of workers? We have no responsibility to people who sit at home - children, some moms, students, the elderly.

That's it . . . I have the ad campaign slogan: "Work and ye shall be rewarded! Do anything else and be ignored."