Every group has its etiquette and social code, ranging from the finger signals of the LA drugs gangs to the funny handshakes of the Masons. To belong is to understand every nuance, gesture and ritual.
Every group has its uniform also and others recognise the detail which denotes social standing within the hierarchy. The studied untidiness of a 14-year-old schoolboy sends as many signals to his peer group as does a Hugo Boss suit or Charvet shirt for his father.
In the world of business the codes are no less subtle and the class consciousness as supple as any other group. And because the behaviour field is so narrow, the devil is often in the detail. An alpha male in this world is not recognised by muscles or aggressiveness but by where he sits at meetings and whether the uniform is off-the-peg or bespoke.
For many, navigating this minefield is the key to success and finding the right path is the hardest thing.
How many of us have woken sweating from a dream where we turned up at a black tie do dressed as a chicken or sat in an interview stark naked?
Social embarrassment is the glue that binds us to our peer groups and the herd instinct is king.
It is this fear of not belonging that drives The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Etiquette which does exactly what it says on the cover. It takes the neophyte by the hand and leads him, step-by-step through all the do's and don'ts of working in business.
It starts off by reiterating all the things your mother told you when you were a child. Don't eat with your mouth open, sit up straight, stand when introduced to anybody, defer to your elders, don't slouch, don't pick at your food and always say please and thank you.
From there it moves on to dealing with unwelcome co-workers who drop in uninvited: tell them, politely, to get lost (unless it's someone higher up the food chain, then you have all the time in the world). It meanders through the etiquette of gift giving: set a ceiling say £10 (€12.70) and stick to it, unless its for lengthy service or a marriage or birth, always remember your staff's special days and always write a note to anybody who has given a present to you.
We then detour into dress: conservative attire is good, Snoop Doggy Dog is bad, unless of course you work in advertising where loud braces are okay or the e-world, where anything goes (jeans, sweatshirts, or god forbid, even shorts). We then detour into eating and its time for the handy table guide to dining, what's a fish fork; how to butter bread and eat it properly; the different drinking vessels and how to use a napkin. The lecture is topped off with the great knife and fork debate, where the US model versus the continental. The authors, unsurprisingly, come down in favour of both.
When it comes to tea drinking the anglophone nature of all such books comes out where we are regaled by a story of an English journalist who refused to cover a bombing in Belfast because it was 4 p.m. and everything comes to a halt for tea.
Sexual harassment is skipped over neatly: if you are a man, don't do it and if a woman, report the case immediately. A neat, black and white solution to a complex problem that increasingly colours the modern working environment.
This more than anything else underlines the glib nature of such publications which are basically a re-run of the infamous Mitford statement of what is U and nonU. The book would be a help to somebody totally unused to civilised behaviour such as rugby supporters or somebody cyrogenically frozen since the dawn of time but for the rest of us it's a case of listening to your mother.
comidheach@irish-times.ie
