Cents & Nonsense:Let's ponder the term Customer Relationship Management (CRM) or, as I like to call it, Crummy Service. If you're not asleep after hearing that friendly phrase, I'll continue, writes Margaret E. Ward

CRM is a very broad term that describes the way some companies manage and analyse customers to improve brand loyalty and to increase corporate profits. Basically, it's a way of (supposedly) understanding us better so they can come up with more stuff to sell us.

In laboratory conditions - without human beings involved - this approach probably made perfect sense. Maybe a bit like communism and pet rocks made sense before anyone started to use them?

After the introduction of CRM systems, the Irish customer care experience is akin to death by a thousand cuts. Consumers like us are often "managed" by an automated telephone service, an anonymous e-mail address or left fuming over the pretend managers who never respond to our letter of complaint because they don't exist.

Do we manage our relationship with our local butcher, chemist and newsagent or do we simply have one with them? Badly implemented CRM simply increases the distance between a company and its customers. It's a bit like your favourite restaurant hiring a statistician to take your dinner reservation.

Under some CRM strategies, customers are rated like cuts of beef. Last week, I was bargain mince. My internet and phone went dead and I reported it to the telecoms company. A few days later, I rang to check the status of the fault. A man answered the phone. He seemed like a normal person, so what followed was a great surprise.

"Hi, I reported a fault on Friday, so I was just wondering about its status."

He asked for a fault number, which I didn't have, so I gave him my customer number. "We don't have access to customer numbers here," he said.

I was confused since I was fairly certain I had followed all the procedures.

Mental checklist: Called the correct number? Tick.

Pushed all the right buttons for business customers? Tick.

Remained on hold patiently until the phone was answered? Yes.

"Sorry. You don't have access to my customer number?"

"No, you're through to the business management centre," he said.

"What's that? I'm sorry, but 'business management centre' means nothing to me. Do you handle customer service for business customers?"

"Yes, but we don't have access to the numbers," he said.

"Okay, so is there some other way you can look it up?"

"Yes. Your circuit reference," he said.

For the second time, I was dumbfounded. "I don't know what that is. Where can I find it on my bill?"

He sighs. "You can't. It is given to you when you sign up."

"I definitely don't have it. Is there some other way you can look up the fault?"

"Yes. [ A pause.] Your business premises."

I assume he means my business address and I give it to him. "That's residential?"

"No," I say, "it's a business account."

"Look. You've rung through to the business management centre and if you want help, you'll have to call back tomorrow. It opens from 8am to 8pm. No, that's 8.30am to 8pm. Um. 8am to 5pm. I'm not sure," he says.

"But I'm a business customer. Why am I paying extra for this plan if I'm not getting the service that goes with it?"

He says: "We service the big corporates, you know, like banks, insurance companies . . ."

"So, if I'm grossing less than €100 million a year, I don't get any service?"

He says: "No, you're not paying for it. Obviously."

The conversation ends fairly abruptly. I've just had a chat with someone from Planet CRM.

Companies don't need scientists or expensive software to tell them what the people buying their products and services really want.

Customer service - from a human being - is probably the only thing that differentiates most service providers. People remember a helpful voice on the end of the phone, the patient person who uses conversational words rather than jargon and the customer service representative who goes the extra mile.

As competition starts taking nibbles out of profit margins, companies should get rid of the computer, pick up the phone and say to us: "Hi, remember me? How can I help?"

Margaret E. Ward is a journalist and director of Clear Ink.