Do you walk on eggshells at work, watch colleagues become target of the week or personally go from hero to zero all in the same day? If so, you might have a controlling or narcissistic boss or colleague.
Employees who say they have a bad boss or coworker typically mention abusive language, moving the goalposts or gaslighting, micromanaging, bullying, avoiding decisions, creating conflict between team members, taking credit for others’ work, shifting blame, hoarding information and throwing people under the bus for mutually agreed decisions.
Undermining behaviours like these naturally lead to a lack of motivation, confusion and lethargy. Research consistently shows that people tend to leave managers, not companies. There’s also a clear correlation between an employee’s effort and motivation and their relationship with the boss.
So, what should you do when faced with this situation? How can you manage the anxiety in the pit of your stomach on Sunday evenings?
Managing relationships with your boss and your colleagues is a key part of your daily work. If the individual’s behaviour is on the lower end of the scale – annoying or inefficient instead of abusive or manipulative – reframing every challenge is an opportunity for learning.
Executive coach Mary Goulding says you should look at your own performance first: “What do I need to work on in myself and how might I improve my relationships with different personalities in the workplace? Can I develop more resilience or patience?”
Management experts and authors such as Stephen Covey and Daniel Goleman say empathy is hugely important when managing your manager. Learning to do it well is a key indicator of how effective you are but there are limits depending on the individual’s personality.
Understand the behaviour
In the age of self-obsessed oligarchs such as Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Peter Thiel and the Tech Bros, the terms narcissist, sociopath and psychopath are thrown about like confetti. Your boss might not meet your expectations but they might just be stressed, unsure how to manage people or simply overwhelmed. Sadly, many people are still promoted to manager without any formal training in the behaviours that are expected of them.
Before you jump to labelling your boss, it’s important to examine whether or not the behaviour is long or short term says Goulding.
“The main benefit of examining others’ behaviours, personality types or even disorders is that it helps you predict further behaviour and make decisions or plans about what to do about them.”
“The days of shouting and roaring are gone,” says Caroline Reidy, chief executive of the HR Suite. “When someone oversteps, you need to say stop. It’s hard often to have that confidence to say ‘the way you spoke to me was not in keeping with my values, dignity and respect’.” Often the person might not have realised and will apologise. That should be the end of the behaviour.
Set boundaries
Another term we’re hearing a great deal from the US is “do not obey in advance”. This means we should not immediately change our behaviours based on what we think might happen or how we believe the powers that be may respond.
Of course, when your manager is contradicting themselves, undermining you or, belittling you in front of others, it’s tough to find the energy to stand up for yourself.
“In Ireland, the expectation is that people will be treated with dignity at work. It’s a fundamental right. Here we work to live, not live to work. If that’s not happening, you need to nip it in the bud by setting boundaries,” says Reidy.
One surprisingly effective technique is putting a summary of your conversation or decision in writing.
Early on in my career, I worked in an organisation where the boss chose a target of the week. I didn’t realise it at the time so just assumed I had misheard her instructions and was terrible at my job. The next time she gave me instructions, I summarised it in an email to her and discovered – after she yelled at me again in front of everyone – by rereading the email that I had not misunderstood.
After that, I didn’t take her behaviour personally. I realised she liked to manage through fear and these tirades were her way of making herself feel more important and keeping us all on edge. I took back my power.
Although I was documenting my boss’s behaviour to reassure myself and felt more empowered afterwards, I could have gone further.
“It’s more important to speak up than to take notes. The notes are rarely shared with anyone so the person has no idea of the impact they’re having,” says Reidy.
You need to tell them specifically what’s not working in your relationship and give them possible solutions. For example, let them know that you cannot answer emails, calls or messages outside of work hours, or that you will not tolerate abusive language or being told off in front of others.
Instead, let them know you will respond promptly on your return to work and suggest that they talk to you privately about any performance-related issues.
If you’ve been singled out by your boss, you’ll probably feel stuck but it’s very important not to become isolated from your peers.
“Talk to people, your network, your friends. Speak to your boss’s boss,” says Goulding. “Get a mentor in the company who knows the whole run of the place, the politics and the individual concerned and meet for a coffee. Surround yourself with supportive people and think about what you want. What type of environment do you want to work in? What type of culture do you need?”
It’s very easy to feel powerless in this situation but you can take back control. “Reframe things in your own mind so you don’t feel trapped or stuck. You have influence, you can self-direct and get out of this situation. Get into a more positive frame of mind.”
Goulding says that might involve mindfulness, taking time to breathe deeply during the work day or exercise. “Bring yourself into the present moment so that it reduces the anxiety. Start to think about your self-care. Go for a walk at lunchtime if you need to.”
Explore options
If, despite all these actions, things have not changed then it might be time to come up with other options.
“At the end of the day, it’s about a clash of values. If your leader has a different set of values than you then you’ll be in constant conflict a lot of the time. Figure out how to get out and get another job,” says Goulding.
That new situation might be a move within company or a job in another organisation that has a culture that aligns with your values.
“Perhaps this is also an opportunity to go back and reskill to do what you really want to do. The more options you can generate, the more empowered you’ll feel.”
As a last resort, you might go down the formal route and talk to human resources. Their role is to support and signpost on the issue but the process remains yours. “The HR person’s job is to address the behaviour so it doesn’t create a morale, culture or retention issue in the company,” says Reidy.
We spend most of our time at work so there’s no reason – especially in a high-employment environment – to tolerate bad behaviour from anyone. Take back control and let people know that you expect to be treated with respect in every interaction.
Margaret E. Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@cleareye.ie
