Note from a man whose workplace has been mistaken for a wedding venue

In a Word ... Spam: For all of you ‘urgently interested’ in this writer’s ‘prosperous business’

No pharmaceuticals were used in the preparation of this article. Photograph: iStock

Mr Smith, this is not a hotel and, as you’ll understand, I don’t take reservations. It’s probably why you encountered “some difficulties with the booking process” at my email address. Of course you were “unable to complete the payment and confirm the reservation”.

Thank you Sandy from Qingdao Lidun for wishing me “a prosperous business!”, but I really have no interest in “ship airbags or fenders”. Sorry Jacob, you cannot “purchase a sponsored mention in one or more” of my older posts. Even if it “could be advantageous for both of us”. It’s just not done here.

As for the other Mr Jacob. You left me bewildered with your “reaching out on behalf of Fashion Open Studio”. You recently came across an article on my “esteemed website that thoughtfully” mentioned your brand, and “are truly grateful for the recognition”.

I know nothing about any of this. Still, thank you for the generous observation on my “insightful commentary”, which you believe “shed light” on your efforts in the fashion industry and “aligns wonderfully” with your mission “to promote sustainable and ethical fashion practices”.

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Mr Takashi, you should know I have never been involved with “the wholesale manufacture, marketing and import/export of pharmaceuticals”. I do appreciate that you are “urgently interested” in my services on a contract basis and your assurance that it would “by no means interfere with” my current job/position. However, my editor would hardly approve. He gets particularly anxious when he hears any of us have anything to do with pharmaceuticals.

And thank you lovely Lisa from China. However, I have no use for “high-quality baby diapers, baby wipes, cotton soft towels, etc.”. Not yet, anyhow. But, you might talk to Mohamed. He says the World Bank “is providing grants and loans to individuals, businesses, and NGOs affected by the economic impacts of the Russia-Ukraine crisis”. If you’re in need of financial assistance, he can help.

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Ah, Ms Jessica. Again. With her fiance she discovered my “beautiful wedding venue” and was “very impressed”. Planning their wedding for 2025, they would “love” more details about my venue. Jessica, dear, this is not a wedding venue, either.

(You just can’t be all things to all people).

Spam, believed to have originated with BBC’s 1970 Monty Python’s Flying Circus sketch where reading of a menu became just repetition of the word “spam”.

inaword@irishtimes.com

Patsy McGarry

Patsy McGarry

Patsy McGarry is a contributor to The Irish Times