Is it just me or is there anyone else out there who just can't take it any more? Has anybody else reached the same level of frustration? Could you take that electronic voice by the throat and shake the living bits and bytes out of it? Voicemail. If you wish to read on, press 1.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for technological advance. I love my PC to pieces and wonder how I ever lived without email but there are times when you need to connect. Speak to someone. Get straight to the point. Get it sorted. What do you get?

"Thank you for calling Whatever Co Ltd. If you require the Really-very-busy-Department, press 1."

But I just want to. . .

"If you require our We-couldn't-be-bothered-answering the phone Department, press 2."

Yes, but can I just. . .

"If you require our Do-you-really-think-we'll-ring-you-back-hah!-Department, press 3."

Why am I talking to this thing?

"If you wish to speak with an operator, press 4."

Ah. Now we're getting places. Press 4.

"Thank you for choosing Option 4. All operators are busy at present. Please hold."

Urrghh!

Once, being in dire straits with my computer printer and in need of serious help, I persisted and made my way through the maze of options, stayed on hold forever and listened to Home On The Range 'til I was almost bowlegged. I finally got a support person located on, I think, a different planet who cheerfully announced "Hi. This is the helping person for to make your sad problemo to be no more." Why me, Lord? Is this state-of-the-art communication? If it is, I don't think I want it.

God be with the old days. There was a lot to be said for the Bakelite monstrosity with the windy-uppy handle. You gave it a good crank and got through to the fount of all knowledge in the local exchange. You asked to be connected to the single-digit number of your choice (you had really arrived if you had a two-digit number) and that was that. Easy. Furthermore, the all-knowing being in the exchange could tell you if there was anybody home or not. If not, there was every chance that she could tell you their whereabouts and when they'd be back.

"She's at an ICA meeting and he's out at the Men's Mission. They'll be back by 10. Are you not at the meeting yourself?" Now that's communication.

And what about answering machines? Normal people with lovely, local dialects and accents seem compelled to record their message in a mid-Atlantic drawl peppered with phraseology they'd never dream of using in normal conversation. The long-time-no-see person who has urged you to "give us a shout next week and we'll go for a few saucepans of porter" disappoints you sorely with "Hi. (what happened to his hearty Howya?) Sorry I can't come to the phone right now (right now .. . when was he in America?) but leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you a.s.a.p." I suppose it could be worse. He could have said "Ciao".

I believe the technology exists where you can see the caller on a little TV screen and the caller can see you. Wonderful, but do we want this? Have we time for this?

I don't think I could possibly fit in a change of clothes and a hairdo every time the phone rings. And what about a first-thing-in-the morning call. Does anyone need that trauma? Curlers out, teeth in and don't yawn or scratch. Please God, let it not catch on.

I'm calmer now, having offloaded some of my techno-frustration. Maybe I've just had a bad day. No, I don't really want to go back to smoke signals and carrier pigeons but sometimes, oh sometimes, what wouldn't I give for a good old rattle at that windy-uppy handle?