Many grandparents bring a high level of expertise to child-rearing. They've learned from their mistakes and bring a cool, clear insight to children - a perspective parents often find hard to acquire, writes Rosita Boland

The basic generational family unit of grandparent, parent and child may be age-old, but the dynamics within that unit have changed greatly over the years. The role of grandparents is now very different to that played by their predecessors, even one generation ago.

Parents choose to have their children, but they don't choose to have grandchildren or the number of grandchildren they may end up with. The popular ideal of being a grandparent is a feeling of joy and privilege; the reality, although it can be a bit of a social taboo to say so, can sometimes be that the prospect is unwelcome. This is especially true if grandparents are enlisted in childminding at a time when they feel their childminding days are behind them, and when they are looking forward to more freedom from responsibilities in their own lives.

Is there such a thing as "good" grandparenting and "bad" grandparenting, and is it a skill which can be acquired? Part of the problem is that everyone's family structure works is a different way, so the key is in defining the boundaries of what you are prepared to take on. For some grandparents, the idea of having frequent responsibility for small grandchildren could be hell; for others, it's a prospect mainly pleasurable.

Billy Pope (69) and his wife Marie, who live in Galway, are grandparents to nine children between 18 months and 11 years, all of whom live close by. "We see them very often; they'd be frequent visitors to our house," he says. "We consider ourselves very fortunate to be near them. They enhance our life enormously; this is a very interesting and fruitful time in our lives."

Two grandchildren come to their house every afternoon to do homework. "Both parents work during the day, so we take a bit of the load from them." Pope recalls his own grandfather as being "rather distant", and says, "he would be the revered man of the family. He wouldn't have played football or got stuck into a game of Monopoly." His own relationships with his grandchildren he describes as intimate and close.

"Times have changed," Pope comments. "People are living longer, and they play a larger role now. As a parent, you have very little knowledge of how to raise that child; the experience is an education in itself. Being a grandparent is like being a parent second time round, when you've realised your mistakes. You're not so concerned with discipline or order. We like to think we play a support role in their upbringing."

Bill Murphy, who is in his 70s and lives in Dublin, has three grandchildren, two of whom live in England. Like Pope, he has clear ideas about what he considers his role to be as a grandfather. "I'd need convincing that looking after children is enjoyable," he says. "I don't think we'd care for being relied upon by parents as some people are. I feel we've done our bit in looking after our children, and I wouldn't want to be burdened with being a full-time nanny."

Murphy feels "the younger generation have come to depend on their parents a lot more, but the older generation are a good deal more independent now and want their own lives". He understands why people would prefer the grandparents to mind their children: "They're happier to see grandparents looking after them than complete strangers."

Alice O'Ruairc, who is in Dublin, has 12 grandchildren between seven and 24, and all but two of them live in Ireland. "I'd only see grandparents stepping in to mind children if there was an emergency. Parents are the ones who should raise their children. Very, very occasionally, I'd have children overnight, but I've never been put upon by my children. I've never been a regular baby-minder; my life is too busy."

Con Crowley (78) lives in Galway and has nine grandchildren ranging in ages from 18 months to 10 years, all of whom live in Ireland. "We'd see the ones in Galway a couple of times a week, and the others about five times a year. It's a good thing to see the family continuing.

"I'm proud of all my grandchildren. We are more expressive these days, but I know my grandparents loved me as much as I love mine."

He and his wife are relaxed about the periodic visits of small children to their home. "Some rooms have things you'd be careful about, but you'd be careful rather than worried. I'd be more worried about them falling down the stairs than about them breaking something."

He feels that the bond is very close across the generations. "I think being a grandparent comes naturally. The role has definitely changed. We'd often be called on to babysit or collect the children who live near us, which is a good thing, I think. The children who live further away don't have that back-up, but we make ourselves available when we are needed."

Crowley does think that his grandchildren's generation have too many things. "When our own children were young, there weren't that many toys. We think our grandchildren have too many toys, too many things of what wealth can bring you. I think it does make them take things a bit more for granted." He makes a point of telling his grandchildren what his own life was like as a child on a farm, and how hard he worked. "I do think it's hard but important for them to grasp that, and to appreciate how lucky they are."

At 48, Liz Browne is a young grandmother of two children aged two and four. She lives in Dublin, and her grandchildren are in Co Clare. "You have more time and energy for them at my age. My grandparents were old people who sat in chairs. There is no comparison with the way things are now. Now grandparents bring kids for walks and into town and play with them more. I do think the grandmother is depended on more in general, though."

Despite being such a young grandmother, Browne admits she was "worn out" after minding the two full-time for a week last year. "I love them to bits, but I don't think I'd take over and mind them full-time if my daughter wanted to work full-time."

Pauline Brophy (74), who is now widowed, has 15 grandchildren aged between six and 20. She lives in Athlone, and eight of her grandchildren live nearby. "I would have a much lesser life if I didn't have grandchildren; I wouldn't be half so fulfilled," she says. "I think children who don't have grandparents are a bit deprived, and now that more parents are working full time, our role is more important than ever.

'I'M closer to my grandchildren than my grandparents were to me," she says. "Listening is the single most important thing, and not getting high and mighty. They do tell me things, and they ask for help sometimes. I would know that they would want to hear what I have to say. Now that I'm older, I'm more mellow than I was with my own children, and I have time to sit and listen. I've lived life from all angles now." And she says proudly, with full confidence, "They don't say it outright, but I know my grandchildren think I'm marvellous."

The Parentalk Guide to being a Grandparent, by Jim Harding, is published by Hodder & Stoughton. The report Grandparenthood in Modern Ireland, by Francesca Lundstrom was published by Age Action in 2001 and is available from its office at tel: 01-4756989.