Will your partner want to drag you around the sales? Here are 10 ways to cope, writes Frank McNally

See if the shop has a crèche for men. This exciting new retail concept - patronising and enlightened at the same time - is being piloted by six Marks & Spencer stores in Britain. It offers reluctant male shoppers a play area with a range of amusements, including Scalextric sets, computer games, football videos, walkie-talkies and, crucially, beer. The service is aimed at women who bring men shopping but don't want them under their feet all the time and would like to be able to drop them off in a safe, supervised environment. So good an idea that it will soon required by law.

If the store doesn't have an adult crèche, try the hi-fi department. This has been serving much the same purpose for decades. It's true what your partner says: there's always a football match on. And you can always watch it on the televisions here. On the downside, beer is rarely provided. Even worse, it can be very hard to get your hands on the remote control.

Bring your son's Robosapien. With 69 officially programmable functions, and many more depending on how good you are at electronics, the robot can do almost anything you ask. See the shop assistant's surprise when your little friend greets the cash register as an old buddy. Pretend you don't know him

as he performs a lewd act with

a top-of-the-range vacuum

cleaner. The possibilities are

endless.

Impersonate a security guard. Using a toy walkie-talkie (or a real one, from the crèche), patrol the shop while giving audible descriptions of customers and the items in their bags. You'll probably get arrested eventually, but after several

hours traipsing around the sales you won't care.

Have fun with the paging system. Ring the store on your mobile and get yourself paged urgently, having prefixed your

name with "colonel" or "wing commander". Enjoy the admiration of other shoppers

as you take the call and bark orders down the line before announcing that you'll

be there in five minutes. For extra

effect, get Robosapien to salute and

say, "Good luck, sir," as you rush for the exit.

Slip out to the bookies. With the risk of frost at Leopardstown Racecourse or Kempton Park, the new year can be a quiet time for betting. But thanks to computer-generated horse racing - the most exciting concept in male entertainment since the adult crèche - your bookmaker will never leave you short of something to back. Besides, there's always football, which generally has bargains available around now. How about this for a cut-price special? Graeme Souness to be

the next Premiership manager sacked. Was 25-1, now only 14-1. Get it while stocks last.

Go to a cybercafé. Play Track Her Movements by monitoring your credit-card transactions live on your bank's Internet site. If this gets too scary you can always ring the bank and report the card stolen.

Go for a smoke. Join other oppressed male smokers at the front of the store. While there, why not try some late-season carol singing? Fairytale Of New York would be a good choice. Between the beers you had in the crèche and the cigarettes, you'll

sound the part. People may even

give you money, which will come in useful when you get the credit-card bill.

Work out. Shopping in the sales can be a good way to regain fitness after Christmas excess. See if you can still get up the down escalator without injuring yourself. If you fail the first time, try best-of-five.

Get yourself sent home in disgrace. Announce loudly to everyone in the crèche that you need to do wee-wees and you'd like the assistant to accompany you. Or join your partner in the changing rooms and, when she asks if her bum looks big in this, say something inappropriate ("Oh my God, yes, it's enormous"). You may permanently damage your relationship, but on the

plus side she'll know better than to insist you accompany her on the next shopping trip.