Sometimes a first marriage doesn't work out. But with romance in the air for Valentine's Day, Róisín Ingle finds out how people can successfully build another relationship.
Lee Dunne's novel Requiem for Reagan was launched in Dublin 16 years ago today. All the female guests received long-stemmed red roses and a man was hired to dress up as one of the characters from the book. As memorable as this was, his third wife Maura Dunne remembers the launch for a different reason; it marked the period when her feelings toward her work colleague changed.
"I always thought marriage, as an institution, was the best thing since sliced bread. But it was a case of 'no thanks, I've already had lunch'," says the 51-year-old, recalling a decision to stay single after a whirlwind romance had led to a short-lived marriage in her 20s.
"My first reaction to his advances was 'not with a 40-foot pole'. I refused to call him Lee and I once told him 'Mr Dunne, either you or your ego will have to go, because this office is not big enough for both of them.' By Valentine's Day I had realised that beneath all the ego and charm and humour, there was this unfettered goodness in him. One day I just thought, you know, it's like the song says, good men are hard to find."
Famously described as "a triumph of optimism over experience" second marriages have become increasingly popular since divorce was introduced in 1997. According to the most recent figures from the Central Statistics Office, the number of marriages in the first two months of last year had almost doubled when compared to 10 years ago, and it's thought second marriages have been a major factor in the increase. The number of civil marriages quadrupled in the years between 1996 and 2002.
For Lee Dunne, it was a case of third time lucky when he met Maura. He had three children with his wife Jane in London during his 20s but by his early 30s, despite the former London cab driver's successful new career in writing, his drinking and adultery was wrecking the marriage.
"When I met my wife I thought I was Frank Sinatra and James Bond all rolled into one. I said my vows and I thought I'd never look at another woman again. But on my honeymoon in Cornwall my attention was already wandering," he says.
Recuperating from a hip-replacement operation in his home in Greystones, Co Wicklow, the 71-year-old author of long running play Goodbye to the Hill says his joining AA came too late to save his first marriage. "My wife was very tolerant but she had heard all the promises and just wanted me to leave," he says. "I came back to Ireland, continued with AA and my career took off here."
His second marriage was a church wedding in Co Wicklow, but his children did not attend. "They were full of bitterness and resentment towards me at that point which was understandable. They would come and visit and I would overcompensate for having left them. My wife didn't know how to handle them either. It was a very difficult time in my relationship with my children, which thankfully now is very strong."
He was devastated when the marriage ended but knew leaving was "the right thing to do". When he met Maura and the couple began to think about marrying, he discovered that, bizarrely, his second marriage had not been registered, so there were no legal barriers in the way. Maura had an American divorce, which meant they couldn't marry in the State.
"We went to Newry, to this rather austere boardroom. I wore a plain, silk shirt dress my sister had sent me as a present," she says. "There was a lot of trouble in the North at the time so we asked people not to come. There was just Lee's son, my uncle and his girlfriend, but it was very special. We walked in as individuals and something unifying happened in the ceremony. The individuals dissolved. I am not being fanciful - it was just quite extraordinary."
They got married again in a Dublin registry office in 2000 after Maura and her ex-husband secured an Irish divorce. "I guess if you find a good man you marry him twice," laughs Maura.
TV PRODUCER Alan Robinson says his marriage to second wife Mary was more meaningful than his first because when he married for the second time he had a much clearer idea of what the ritual meant. The decision to get married in his early 20s in London was "automatic", a move driven by logic and societal expectations. "We drifted apart as we both became more career-orientated and self-centred. We were living in Thatcherland and that was not conducive to a good relationship," he says. "I began to realise that I wanted children and it dawned on me that my wife wasn't ready or prepared to have children."
After moving to Ireland, he began a new relationship, and it was after having a child with his partner Mary that he developed a clearer understanding of marriage. "It was the most surprising thing," he says. "Suddenly you could wear freaky trousers but people would still relate to you because you have a child. The urge to express our union and our love became more compelling when a child came along."
The marriage had to be in the registry office in Molesworth Street, Dublin, because while it was his partner's first wedding, Robinson had been divorced in the UK. After the ceremony the guests marched in a procession behind a flute player through St Stephen's Green to an oratory in Leeson Street. "The blessing was more significant than I thought it would be. What made it really special for us was that our son Oliver was there on the altar with us." The couple have since had a daughter, Evie.
ACCORDING TO Lisa O'Hara from counselling service MRCS, participants in second marriages can often be more committed to making the relationship work than they were first time around. "There is a lot of soul-searching that goes on when a relationship breaks down. People will often embark on a journey of self-awareness where they look at how they behave in relationships. Being more in tune with ourselves and our expectations can really help when we are starting again," she says.
These days there are no rules about how or where to throw an "encore" wedding, and wedding planner Katie Deegan says there is greater freedom when organising a second nuptials.
"Second time around, there is usually far less input from the mother of the bride, which inevitably brings freedom," she says. "They will want to make it very different from the wedding that came before. Sometimes a couple will opt for a more intimate gathering, and often children of both partners form a special part of the ceremony." And, she says, it's perfectly fine for the bride to wear white for a second time. "She can really wear whatever she chooses," says Deegan.
Lee Dunne says the fact that he and Maura were friends first made all the difference to their marriage. "That would be my advice to anyone going into marriage for the first or the second time. Develop a friendship with the person. I was 55 when I met her, but I knew it was for keeps. It would have been for keeps if I had been 25. She is the best friend any human being could hope to have."
His wife says the couple did a lot of "clearing out" of their emotional baggage before deciding to get married. She says for people who marry again "a degree of optimism and fate comes into play.
"And the thing to remember is that you are never hurt by loving, even when it doesn't work out the way you planned," she says.
