How delightful it was to hear over the weekend that DUP politicians may, after all, take up their rightful offices in the new Northern Ireland executive. Down here we don't much mind who gets what job - though it was amusing to hear Frank Millar of The Irish Times pour a glacier's worth of cold water on David Davin-Power of RTE when the latter tried to hype up the notion that John Hume might be First Minister. However, Ian Paisley as Minister for Fun must be a match made in heaven - the post should be created for him if it doesn't exist already. What an ecumenical gesture that would be: sure, a majority on this island might view "Fun" in terms of (traditionally) drink and (lately) fornication, but post-nationalist Ireland must be ready to take a broader view. Big Ian gave us a taste of the sort of sport in which he takes such mischievous pleasure on Morning Ireland (RTE Radio 1, Monday to Saturday): who can resist the Rev when he starts teasing and baiting (alleged) fenians? Certainly not the Rev himself.
The taig in question was the programme's reporter, Niall Martin. Could Martin not cover Paisley's campaign from the coach with the other reporters? Not at all, Big Ian practically giggled, "you're a rebel down to your two heels." (I think that's what he said.) The banter and badinage were only mighty, and when Martin weaved it back to the burning issue of whether he'd be allowed do his job, Paisley told him the coach was "sanctified against all republicanism". (I'm sure that's what he said.) Gas man, what?
John Taylor, on the other hand, is a sufficiently creative accountant to be trusted with a big exchequer-type job. He proved it on Sunday's Late Night Currie (BBC Radio 5 Live), when Edwina Currie had him on to offer a serious, unbiased - and unopposed - assessment of the prospects for Drumcree. The correct decision for Drumcree '98 was obvious, he suggested. You just had to count the rubber bullets fired in the '96 "stand-off" and compare the figure to the number fired in the '97 "push-down". Seemingly, it took three times as many wee missiles to stop Orangemen as it did to brush nationalists aside. Ipso facto, it's less trouble to permit the parade than to prevent it. Leave aside the very different timing and logistics of the two RUC operations and how they might have contributed to the different bullet-counts - sure, that's what Taylor (and Currie) did. Leave aside other political considerations. And, while you're at it, forget the euro - Northern Ireland has its own new currency unit by which to measure the validity of a policy: the rubber bullet. Taylor managed, somehow, to resist telling the dopey and duly impressed Currie that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
All in all, the birth of the new North was heralded by the senseless squalling of old. It was scarcely a natural delivery, following a conception - by artificial insemination abroad - that bore a passing resemblence to sperm-widow Diane Blood's. (Sort out this metaphor and win a collection of slightly used audio cassettes.) How appropriate then (ahem) that last week's Health Report (RTE Radio 1, Tuesday) featured graphic accounts, and taped "actuality", of three births. Yetti Redmond's series has been consistently strong. Like Colm Keane's In Profile, these mini-documentaries have displayed ambitious efforts from a busy programme-maker who must churn them out weekly for several weeks. This childbirth effort was no exception, cleverly telling three stories simultaneously and dropping in nice but unobtrusive sound effects. Intriguingly, two of the mothers were planning home deliveries, so there was a chance to explore the controversial issue of home versus hospital as part of the package.
In the end the programme offered no such thing. One of the home-birthers had a hospital delivery after all, and while the home and hospital births were audibly different, the women were equally positive about the experience. In the end, there wasn't a lot more here than what you'd pick up chatting to a new mother. The roars of labour were loud and primal, yes, but without a 12-hour time slot they were never going to offer even a partial sound-picture of the experience!
