You think you're in a relationship for life. Then it all goes wrong. So how do you go about finding somebody new, asks Róisín Ingle

Two years ago, Lisa O'Hara was living in London as a fully paid-up member of what Bridget Jones dubbed the smug married fraternity. Highly paid job? Check. Successful husband? Check. Mortgages on two homes? Check and check.

Married for five years and in a relationship with her husband since she was 21, her single days were well and truly behind her. Or so the 34-year-old thought. When her husband confessed he had been seeing someone else, the marriage fell apart and she went from smug married to sad singleton. "My marriage vows were a blueprint for my life. They had become part of my DNA," says O'Hara, who is originally from Co Cork. "It was like a rug was ripped from under my feet."

Now living in Dublin, O'Hara has come to terms with the loss of her relationship and now helps others to heal their own romantic wounds. As training and development manager with MRCS Counselling (which used to be known as Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services) in Dublin, she co-ordinates four-evening workshops on life after separation or divorce.

Being young, free and single is all very well when you are 21, but the prospect of looking for love when you are young at heart, separated and single (again) is not quite so appealing. These days, people who find themselves in that situation are not afraid to seek help. "When you have got through the grief caused by the loss of your relationship it's a scary situation being single again, which is why I am so passionate about the availability of courses like these," says O'Hara. The course touches on everything from grieving for the relationship to being sexual and single to picking up the pieces and moving on.

"Even situations like being chatted up again or flirting can be intimidating. You don't know what is expected of you. Do they want a snog or something more? You are very much feeling your way through it and finding out what is right for you. One-night stands are definitely not for me, for example, despite my mother saying it was just what I needed."

For people coming out of long-term relationships or marriage, self-doubt can be a barrier. "You are older than you were when you were single before. So you might feel inadequate. You wonder if you will be good enough. It's about finding the person you were before your last relationship, discovering who that is now with all the wisdom and experience you have acquired in the meantime. You also have to learn to communicate what you want out of a relationship," she says. O'Hara is not currently attached but is, she laughs, having a lot of fun.

If pressed, most people will admit that one of the luxuries of their long-term relationship was the knowledge they would never have to be out there again. As managing director of Sure Date, a dating agency based in Navan, Co Meath, Catherine Fox knows people coming out of long-term relationships can take years to be ready to take the plunge. And even then older people may be wary of traditional meeting places, such as pubs and clubs. This leads to an interest in finding more discreet ways to dip their toes in the dating pond.

"A lot of our clients are separated," she says. "From what they tell me it seems these days it is harder to meet somebody when you are in that situation. Everybody is so busy, communities are not as close and people just don't have as much time for each other any more."

Fear is almost always a factor, she says, for those who are single second time around. The newly unattached often come with more practical and emotional baggage and want to make sure the person they are matched with will understand this or is even experiencing the same pressures. "They may have children, they may be lacking in confidence. Often they feel like a fish out of water and worry that they have to compete with younger people," she says. Busy lifestyles can leave little time for romance, which is why many turn to dating agencies for help.

"I am married for eight years and have not been in a disco or involved in the pub scene during that period," adds Fox. "I work very hard and spend my time with the family. If I was suddenly single I would have major difficulty meeting a man, and I think people who are in that situation find it incredibly hard."

Michael O'Donnell runs Circles Club, a dating agency for professional and business people in Dublin. He offers the men and women on his books a few tips. It's important, he says, to be prepared to put time into the search for a new partner.

"Sometimes people think they will get into a new relationship overnight, but this process takes time," he says. He also advises people to be clear about their expectations. Do they want someone to live with or are they more interested in friendship? "You have to be sure of your objectives, have a clear notion of what exactly it is that you want."

Alongside introduction agencies, Internet dating services are growing in popularity, despite a perception that they provide opportunities for people to misrepresent themselves, with married men or women passing themselves off as single people. As Liam Kelly of Date.ie points out, that is as likely to happen in the local pub as it is online.

"We have quite a few people who are saying they are sick of the pub and club scene and who have been burnt in relationships in the past. Internet dating would lend itself to somebody who is not as confident," he says. "Cities in Ireland, Dublin in particular, can be quite intimidating places, full of predators, which is not where you want to be if you are trying to get your confidence back."

The attraction of Internet dating is that it is relatively anonymous and allows people more control over how and when they make contact. More than 500 subscribers have already signed up with the new service, which is only two weeks old.

The newer services, such as speed dating, may seem daunting to those coming out of long-term relationships. The service provided by companies such as Swifterdate brings people together in controlled environments. Participants chat to as many as 20 men or women in a night, spending about three minutes with each person. They find out as much about them as possible and decide whether they would like to get to know them better. Those who say they would like to meet up are matched.

Andrew Ager of Swifterdate says increasing numbers of inquiries are coming from older people who have been in long-term relationships before. "Although it is a relatively new idea, people can feel more relaxed in an environment where there is no pressure and no obligation. They bring a couple of friends for moral support and find it more comfortable because everyone is in the same situation," he says.

"Dating after a long time in a relationship is never an easy thing, but if you go into it anxious and het up, then you are unlikely to have a good time. We try to make our events as sensitive and as relaxed as possible. We can't guarantee that you will walk away having found the love of your life, but we can guarantee an enjoyable night out. And that's better than sitting in front of the telly brooding about things," he says. "You won't change anything watching Coronation Street."

MRCS Counselling's next workshop on life after separation or divorce is in Dublin on June 3rd. It costs €100. Call 01-6785256. If you are interested in Internet dating services, try www.circlesclub.com, www.swifterdate.com, www.date.ie and www.suredate.ie. Please follow their advice about safety if you are meeting somebody

The dating game Where to start . . .

Turn over a new leaf Anyone who watched The Book Group on Channel 4 knows book clubs' potential for romance, intrigue and passion - and we're not talking Barbara Cartland paperbacks. There are reading groups in Dublin city libraries and around the country. Call 01-6744800 for more details.

Come dancing Fact: men who learn to dance will have women queuing up to spin them around the floor -and maybe more. The hottest craze at the moment is salsa dancing. There are classes and clubs all over the country. Remember, it takes two to tango. The Bakery Restaurant in Wicklow town has a salsa club on the last Friday of every month. Call 0404-66770 for more details.

Take a hike Aaaah, the clear mountain air, the champagne in the picnic basket, the attractive waterproof attire. Walking clubs are the dater's best-kept secret - and even if you don't get any phone numbers at least you'll be in better shape. The Mountaineering Council of Ireland has details of all walking and hiking clubs. Call 01-4507376 or visit www.mountaineering.ie.

Make 'em laugh Night classes provide the perfect way to make new friends - and the comedy workshops at the adult education centre in Drumcondra, Dublin, from September should also be a laugh. Aspiring stand-ups, jokers and giggle merchants are helped to write and perform their own material. Other courses offered include belly dancing, yoga, drama and self-development. More details from 01-8371015.