With pubs full of twenty-somethings, older singles turn to internet dating and introduction agencies, writes Kate Holmquist

A deluge of memoirs and magazine articles about the erotic adventures of confident, middle-aged women after divorce, would have you believe that we're in the midst of a new sexual revolution. No longer willing to feel rejected, lonely and old, divorced women in the 40-plus age group are supposedly revelling in their newfound independence.

Suzanne Portnoy is the nom de plume of a woman in the media business in London who claims to have experienced a sexual awakening after the ending of her 10-year marriage and embarking on an exhaustive menu of sexual experiences with strangers, enjoying group sex, fetish clubs, swinging and online dating. It made her feel powerful to be desired, in her role as the fantasy woman men want to meet but don't believe exists. Many women who read her book, The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker, will suspect that such a woman doesn't exist either. Portnoy's book recounts a sex life stripped of emotion, with a few disastrous exceptions. The notches in the bed-post more than make up for the lack of love in her encounters, Portnoy would have us believe.

But as single women in their 40s and 50s know, real life just isn't like that. When Adele, who is in her early 50s, was summarily ditched by her husband of 25 years, she nearly had a nervous breakdown, but managed to pull herself together and put effort into creating a new social life with other single women.

"I suppose you could say I reinvented myself," she says. There are sexually rapacious Portnoys out there, she says, but these promiscuous women are rare and the men tend not to take them seriously.

During the first two long, lonely winters after her divorce, Adele started using internet dating sites, sitting up late at night exchanging e-mails with men whose internet profiles attracted her.

"I know it sounds sad, but it actually did wonders for my self-esteem to find that so many men were interested in me, even if it was just on the level of 'talking'," she says, referring to the online contact that precedes a "date".

In the past four years, Adele has had once-off dates with about a dozen men.

"There's an etiquette to this that you get used to. You meet a man for a drink or dinner and, afterwards, he might drop you a line to say sorry, the chemistry wasn't there. It hardens you, I suppose, but I still find it better than trying to meet men in pubs. There's no time wasted. People at our age don't have time to waste. People are honest to the extent that they will say 'this isn't going to work'."

It may seem cold and calculating to peruse hundreds of photographs on a website and to read the profiles of men who seem attractive, but Adele says that she can find out far more about a man by reading his internet profile and exchanging a few e-mails than she ever has during a chance meeting at a party or a pub.

She met one man with whom she had a relatively long-term dating relationship, but it foundered when the man remained stuck on his ex-wife.

"There's a lot of that out there," she says. "I think men are more damaged by separation and divorce than women are. It can wreck their confidence and all the economic hassle seems to affect them more. We women - my single female friends and I - have really worked on ourselves and found a new confidence. The men don't seem to be able to do that."

Jill, who is in her late 40s, has also tried internet dating. "Everybody's doing it. You can get bored with it after a while, but there doesn't seem to be much of an alternative. I find that the men are quite shy when you meet them. They don't like it when you try to hint that the relationship could be something more. They run scared, but if you wait for them, they won't make the first move. Maybe in Hollywood there are single men who can't wait to find a woman to have a sexual relationship with, but not in Ireland. Usually, they're just lonely and want to talk. They've been through this trauma of separation, but they don't seem able to deal with it emotionally and move on. I've dated a few married men who are unhappy but unable to separate for various reasons. They have much more confidence because they haven't been knocked about by the divorce process."

Jill has also tried going to the usual watering holes where middle-aged singles gather in Dublin - Doheny & Nesbitts, the Shelbourne, the Four Seasons. "In Doheny & Nesbitts you have to walk through that long, narrow room with men passing comments as though you were livestock at a cattle fair. A few times I've tried talking with men, but they don't seem to be able to handle a woman approaching them."

That's the women's side of the story. But what about middle-aged men?

"I hope people don't take this the wrong way, but in my experience the single women in my age group are single for a reason," says Joe, a widower in his early 50s. "My marriage was happy for the most part. If my wife had not died, we would still be married. There are a lot of great women out there, and they're all married because they know how to invest in a relationship. I've tried dating younger women, but inevitably they are going to want children and I don't want to go there again. It would be unfair on a younger woman to let a relationship develop and then to limit her like that."

So whether you talk to men or women, it would seem that the opposite sex is lacking in several respects. With 150,000 single people belonging to Another.Friend.com alone, you'd think that it wouldn't be so hard for the over-40s to find someone they share chemistry and interests with.

"A big part of the problem, in my opinion, is that Irish men are not that confident in themselves sexually," says Sally (55). "Mediterranean men seem more able to flirt, to court a woman, to enjoy a woman's company without becoming threatened. I think Irish men could learn a lot from Mediterranean men."

Introduction agencies are also a way for older singles to meet their peers. Who's Who for the Unattached has been going since 1983 and has about 500 singles on its books at any one time. Each single pays an annual fee of €1,000 to the service, which caters for people from professional backgrounds and guarantees a minimum of eight matches per year.

Joan Greer, who matchmakes at the agency, says: "People in their 40s and older have great difficulty. Where do you go to meet people? The pubs are filled with people in their 20s, and even younger. There are no more dances."

Women, in her experience, are becoming more resourceful by the day. "Groups of women are forming social circles and basically giving up on men. While women reinvent themselves following separation or divorce, men don't change that much. They get stuck in a box. They are not very expansive," she says.

The singles who have the most success in finding new relationships tend to be open-minded, non-judgmental and fun-loving with few expectations during the first or second date. While the date may not work out long-term, the social experience gets the single person out on the scene, meeting people and developing their confidence, she says.

Most of these singles are female, however. "The men are looking to be swept off their feet and reality is not like that. They want chemistry of some description, but that takes time to develop. I think there's a bit of them that doesn't want commitment, even if they think they do. That's why a lot of older men seek refuge in playing golf and enjoying the camaraderie of other men," she says.

Joan, who is separated and has three daughters, met her current partner of 12 years ago while "walking around the block". It was a man-next-door situation that ended happily. Many older women, she finds, are being unrealistic about what a man their own age has to offer. "They're looking for the best of what their husband had to offer 20 years ago. But if your husband was a middle-aged man, you're going to get another middle-aged man with his own complications."

The truly eligible men tend to get snapped up, Joan adds. "I know one widower with so many invitations that he's exhausted. He has a very full life."

Short of keeping on top of the obituary columns, what's a single to do? There's no point even attempting the dating scene if you are overweight, depressed and unassertive, Joan advises. The trick is to be healthy, fit, well groomed and to get out and about as much as you can.

If you're male, your chances are far better because, it seems, there are many more eligible women than men out there.

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