`I wish you could have written this 10 years ago," Mariana Caplan's mother said upon reading her daughter's book, When Sons and Daughters Choose Alternative Lifestyles. "But, would you have been able to learn it 10 years ago?" was her daughter's reply.
Therein lies the dilemma which faces many parents as their children reach adulthood, choosing careers, partners and belief systems that clash with their parents' expectations of them. For some parents, a son or daughter's choice to go to art college or acting school is an alternative lifestyle choice; for others, an adult child's decision to spend a year practising yoga in India doesn't even raise an eyebrow. Defining an alternative lifestyle is, in some ways, irrelevant to the personal and sometimes very painful dynamic which becomes fraught, frayed or fractured when adult children declare themselves to be Buddhist, gay or about to marry someone who has a different religion, culture or skin colour. If the parent deems the choice to be "alternative", then it really doesn't matter if the wider world seems to think otherwise.
A psychologist and counsellor who had a fairly healthy rebellious streak herself - she has been, among other things, a strict vegan, an ardent feminist, a longstay visitor with an indigenous tribe in Costa Rica and a resident of India - Mariana Caplan began to consider the complexities of lifestyle decisions while she was working in San Francisco. "I was radical, provocative and very rebellious, taking stands on almost anything at one stage - but when I began to work as a psychologist and counsellor, many of my clients were gay, lesbian or from new religious groups, and I watched their struggles from a broader perspective," she tells The Irish Times from her summer base near Poitiers, France. She spends the rest of her year in Arizona.
"Most parents say that all they want is for their child to be happy - but what they don't say is that this is within certain bands of acceptability. Anything outside of this is deemed to be rebellious," says Caplan. What appears at first to be rebellion, however, in time becomes a real lifestyle decision; in other words, many of these "rebellious" adult children will still be gay, Buddhist or living in a commune 20 years later.
Caplan's first piece of advice to parents who have just learned that their adult child is gay is to hold back and not say anything they might later regret. "You may experience intense feelings of frustration, concern and betrayal," she writes. "However, when it comes down to it, it is only the love that exists between you that is of any real value and that holds any possibility of fulfilment and joy in your lives."
Patricia Kilroy, who works with Parents' Support as part of the Gay and Lesbian Network, agrees. "The most important thing is that the son or daughter who has told you he/she is gay is the same son or daughter you have loved all their life," she says. In When Sons and Daughters Choose Alternative Lifestyles, Caplan offers tips for parents as they go through the process of acceptance: don't panic, don't jump to conclusions, don't argue, coerce or attempt to persuade your adult child to change, don't be a victim and if you don't want to know, don't ask. "No matter what a child does, it is not a cause for disowning them," she says, adding that unresolved disagreements within families are some of the biggest causes of regret among ill or dying parents.
"Every parent reacts differently to the news that their son or daughter is gay. Some have real sorrow and despair, while others just want to find out more," says Kilroy. "We find it immensely important that secrecy is not attached to being gay or lesbian as this results in the most terrible heartache.
"Parents can go one of two ways - they can adjust to the knowledge and learn about their son or daughter's lifestyle, or they can simply not adjust. If the latter happens, and they are not capable of the change and process of learning, they will never get over it. We do come across parents who are inconsolable, but these are few. For some parents, finding out their son or daughter is gay is like a bereavement. They will have lost grandchildren who haven't been born - and if their child is an only child, this is very difficult.
"A lot of gay people contact us before they tell their parents, and we advise them to say things in stages - like to first tell their parents they are gay and then later introduce them to their partner, rather than telling them everything at once to get things off their chest."
In their grief or anger some parents can, of course, try to exert control over their children's lives by withdrawing emotionally or even threatening to cut off their inheritance. "I use `adult child' throughout the book because parents have to see their children as autonomous human beings who have a life of their own, and who aren't simply reflecting the strengths and weaknesses of their parents," says Caplan. She believes that parents no longer have the right or responsibility to control their children's lives after the age of 18 or so.
THE empty nest syndrome may exacerbate feelings of anger or grief among parents who haven't adjusted to the loss of the physical presence of their children in the home. Parents who have strong community or parochial links can also feel "ashamed" of their adult children's decisions. Some therapists believe, however, that such feelings of public shame mask deeper feelings of personal insecurity.
What is quite often overlooked is that the adult-child, too, can find the change difficult. Caplan quotes one adult male's sense of what was happening to him. "It was very intense. I was breaking into a sweat very often and would leave my parents' house shaking. In fact, one time after I left dinner with them, I crashed my car. I was wrestling with just how to be with my folks about what was true for me in my life. It was excruciatingly difficult."
When Sons and Daughters Choose Alternative Lifestyles by Mariana Caplan is published by Newleaf, £9.99.
Parents' Support for parents whose sons and daughters are gay can be contacted via the Gay Switchboard, Dublin Tel: 01 8721055 Sun-Fri 8 p.m.-10 p.m. and Sat 3.30 p.m.-6 p.m.
