Tómás Ó Huaine 50:50Coláiste Oiriall, Co Monaghan.

Well be Jesus I woke up one morning and said: "Be Jesus that was an awful bit of a dream." I got ready for work, went downstairs and who was down there only one of my 60 uncles, Pat. I says, "Well be Jesus, Pat, what's the craic?" and he says, "Well be Jesus I went over to help Kieran because one of his good auld heifers was calving."

After we had finished talking I went to do an awful bit of day's work at the Hillgrove. After work I met with my uncle Seán, and we decided to go to the Ballybay mart. On the way Seán says, "Be Jesus I done a brave day's work today," and I says, "Be Jesus, Seán, you wouldn't work on batteries." Seán bought four sheep for €220.

After the mart we went to Seán's farm and fed the sheep a good auld lock of sheep nuts. Sure then we went to visit another one of my uncles, who had a wee shop on Glaslough Street. Seán said he couldn't wait until he got home again to play with his sheep. Then I woke up and said: "Thanks be to Jaysus it was only a dream." Be Jesus I thought I had turned into a real bogman.

'A hilarious slice of local pie wryly served à la Patrick McCabe. O Huaine has a sharp ear for dialect and a mischievous sense of humour.'