Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells has never had it so good. He's got his Marks and Spencers corduroy trousers in a twist over the latest crass manifestation of dumbing down. And this time it's serious, because the blessed aesthetic of classical music is under threat from "page 3 stunnas" who are waging media war against the militant tendency within Radio 3 over what does or does not constitute "classical".
On the wrong side of the cultural tracks lie a classical string quartet called bond - four easy on the eye young women, all highly proficient musicians who have just released their debut album. A frothy, Knees Up Mother Mozart affair, it dares to mix orthodox classical playing with swirling dance beats and spaced-out world music rhythms. A massive promotional campaign saw the album, Birth, go straight into the classical charts at number two in its first week of release.
Enter the spoilsports from the Chart Information Network (CIN), who compile the music charts in Britain, to deem bond's album "not sufficiently classical enough", and instead chuck them over into the pop charts where they have to battle it out with the Mel Bs of this world. The same amount of record sales that got bond to number two in the classical chart only got them to number 36 in the frightfully common pop charts.
The bond girls are none too happy to be lumped in with people who not only can't play their instruments but wouldn't know a violin from a viola if their make-up budget depended on it. They put on their best pouts and described the CIN as "classical snobs". CIN rules dictate that to qualify for the classical charts, at least half of the music on an album must be written by "recognised classical composers" or half the music must be in the "classical idiom".
The bond album features a collection of original works alongside some radical overhaulings of core classical pieces. A specially convened CIN panel voted by six to one to exclude Birth from classical chart recognition. This ruling has been ignored blithely by the high-street record chains who are still stocking the album in their classical sections.
As if that wasn't enough, to get bond plastered all over the papers (with full colour pictures at every turn), there was fresh "controversy" a few days later when their record company, Decca, decided to "ban" a coyly nude photograph of the group from appearing on the front cover of their album.
The MD of Decca Records, Bill Holland, said "we were very concerned about bond projecting such a sensational image, which is why we took steps for the picture never to see the light of the day" - except it seems, for the picture desks of every national newspaper in Europe. The Loaded-style nude picture has now given way to a tame head and shoulders shot of the group on the front cover of the album.
The members of bond - Gay-Yee Westerhoff (cello), Eos Chater (violin) Haylie Ecker (violin) and Tania Davies (viola) - made their musical debut on a Jim Davidson TV special and within minutes of their appearance, the programme's switchboard was jammed with viewers wanting to know when their album was going to be released.
It may or may not be relevant that on stage, the bond girls wear tight fitting low-cut dresses and ham it up for the cameras in a manner that would put the Spice Girls to shame.
Musically they are shunned by the purists. bond are classicallite, a fun-sized version of the real thing who seem destined for a regular slot on the Des O'Connor show. Crucially, they are being aimed at the Massive-Passive - the sort of people who only buy one or two CDs a year and who have turned other classical-influenced acts like Lesley Garret and sweet little Charlotte Church into big musical stars.
There is no doubting bond's musical ability (they are all highly accomplished musicians) and secretly some in the classical world, who, while baulking at their pop-driven sound, admire the group's attempt to break down musical barriers.
In some senses the groundwork has been done for bond by the highly successful violinist Vanessa-Mae, who uses a similar cleavage-friendly marketing campaign as bond. However, Mae tends to stay within the traditional classical canon whereas bond are quite capable of putting Beethoven to a techno music background.
Certainly Mae's records sales would have been a big influence on the thinking behind the creation of bond - whereas most top-selling classical records sell about 50,000 copies. Typically, Mae sells three million copies an album.
Let the battle of the exposed midriffs begin.
