You stand in the hallway, two doors in front of you. On your right, girls float in and out, chatting and laughing. On your left, boys crowd in the door, smiling and joking. You’re frozen. Two doors. Left and right. Girls and boys.
If you take the left, you’ll face the stares and judgment of the men and boys around you. You don’t look like them, why are you here? They’ll laugh and whisper, some will even shout. You think to yourself, is it really worth it?
But if you take the right, you will undo everything you have spent the last year trying to prove to yourself and everyone around you. That you are not a girl. That this is not where you belong.
So where do you go? When you feel like you don’t belong anywhere. Where will you buy your clothes and what club should you join? What razors should you use and which shirt should you wear? You’re alone, frozen in that halfway.
There’s a girl in your class. She talks about boys and her future wedding. She tells you she loves your “girly chats”. You don’t say anything. You don’t correct her. Why do you never correct her? At Christmas your aunt buys you a dress. It’s black and sparkly and much too short. She beams excitedly and tells you to try it on. So you oblige, you want her to be happy right? But as you look in the mirror the fabric hangs wrongly from your body, it hugs all the places you wish would go away. But you smile and laugh and you’ll never ever tell her because you want her to be happy right? But you’re alone, frozen, back in that hallway.
At school the teacher calls the roll, your name falls sour on your ears, foreign from your lips. You do not know that girl, you haven’t for many years. But that girl follows you, whispers in the back of your mind. She stares at you through the mirror and turns red once a month. She appears in old photos and haunting memories. But you do not know that girl. It’s just you, alone, frozen in that hallway.
But when will that hallway end? When will you reach the final door? You run and run but it just keeps going. You scratch and scream and cry but you can never escape that hallway. You’re stuck, alone, frozen in that dark, dark hallway, a storm of words in your mind, a screaming in your heart. You feel trapped, outside those doors with those girly chats stuck in a dress with a name you hate. They say it will get better, but when? Please God when?
But life goes on. So you pick yourself up and dust off your dress. You walk and walk and walk because someday, you will reach the end of the hallway. And someday, it will finally all be okay.
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