When Facebook boss Sheryl Sandberg urged women to “lean in” to their careers, there was a sense of déjà vu and a little bewilderment among women of a certain age.
When my friends and I discussed it over dinner we asked, “how come we are still having this conversation?”
We were among the first generation of women with a genuine shot at having a career. The marriage ban, where female civil servants and bankers had to give up their jobs when they married because they were occupying a job that should go to a man, was lifted in 1973.
Four years later, employment equality legislation was enacted and there it was – a whole new vista of independence and exciting career choices laid out for women like a magic carpet.
Fast forward to 2013 and Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In, was pointing out that, 30 years after women made up 50 per cent of all college graduates in the US, men still hold the vast majority of leadership positions in government and industry there.
Sandberg’s book hit a nerve and, a million and a half book sales later, women are forming their own “lean in” circles in more than 50 countries.
So what happened to the magic carpet that was supposed to whisk women of my generation to the top?
Firstly, it quickly became evident that we weren’t going to overcome history in a couple of generations just because equality was a very good idea. There was a lack of female role models and a lack of female confidence.
But I believe there is also a deeper-seated ambivalence among women about being truly independent that still persists today.
Reared on fairytales of princes rescuing us from all sorts of distressing circumstances, a stubborn pocket of hope remains forever in our hearts that when the going gets tough – really tough – that prince will appear and rescue us.
My novel, The Cinderella Reflex, is a romantic comedy but the underlying theme is serious – are women sometimes their own worst enemies?
The main characters, Tess and Helene are savvy, well educated and have good careers in a local radio station. But they put so much energy into keeping the men in their life catered for it distracts them from acting in their own best interests.
Writer Tara Sparling describes it in her book blog like this. “The Cinderella Reflex is a charm-riddled rom-com about professional women who spend their time talking about how independent they are, all the while waiting for some loser on a white horse to come along and rescue them. We all know those women. Feck it, we’ve all been that woman at some point in our lives.”
When things go belly-up for Tess and Helene, they turn to their princes for solutions – and find out they’re too busy saving their own skins to have any time for maiden-rescuing.
And in real life too, the knight on his white steed doesn’t always behave the way we want him to. Relationships break down, hearts get broken and circumstances alter lifestyles.
So while it’s not mandatory to have a kick-ass career and not everyone wants one, it’s important that women do one thing before they decide.
Have a serious chat with their inner five-year-old and explain that yes, there’s a happy-ever-after – but you have to find it for yourself.
No, there is no knight coming for you on a charger. No, there is no Prince Charming going to rescue you from your problems. Ever.
There’s only you. And thankfully, you’re enough.
Joan Brady is the debut author of The Cinderella Complex (Poolbeg)
