INTERVIEW:Last year, we were told to raise our kids "tiger-mom" style. This year it's all about emulating "la vie française", American author Pamela Druckerman tells FIONA REDDAN

PAMELA DRUCKERMAN, a former foreign correspondent with The Wall Street Journal, moved to Paris in 2002, after falling in love with an English sports writer who was based there. They subsequently married and had three children (a girl aged five and three-year-old twins), but as an outsider in Paris, raising Anglo-American children, Druckerman was struck by the differences between the French approach, and the so-called "Anglophone" parenting approach. She maintains in her book, French Children Don't Throw Food, that French children are typically much better behaved than their US or British counterparts.

So what parenting secrets did she discover in France? And if you’re an Irish parent in desperate need of getting your own life back, can you learn from the French?

“There is a general dissatisfaction arising from over-parenting, or ‘concerted cultivation’, as some call it. It’s the idea that essentially your life is centred around the needs and activities of a child,” Druckerman says. “Right now parents are not happy with the way we’re parenting. It’s exhausting, it doesn’t leave room for us to have lives of our own, and could be damaging to marriages where couples only relate to each other through their children.”

So how does she think the French do it differently? “The Anglophone model says, ‘I’m going to have to make huge sacrifices and not take time for myself because it’s very important to do as much as I can for my child’. But for the French, it’s about allowing the child to discover the world. If you give them a safe and loving environment they will develop and blossom on their own, so there is no reason to push them.”

Druckerman applied lessons from the French to her own parenting style. “If there’s one area where I’ve had success, it is in getting my kids to eat a range of foods. We don’t do ‘kids food’ like chicken nuggets. In general, kids eat the same food we do. We start with a vegetable starter, serve food in courses, and kids are not allowed to snack between meals, except at a specific time, “le goûter”.

So what do French parents cook for their children? “I’ve never seen a French child eating in the playground. In France it’s quite possible for kids to eat three solid meals a day and be fine. What it means is that when they sit down to eat, the child will be hungry and will eat the first thing put in front of him. If that’s vegetables, that’s what he’ll eat. I make one dinner for the family, and this I have learned from the French.”

Is this the reason French children don’t throw food? “Well from the age they can sit, they eat meals at a table. At the public creche they eat four-course meals that look like what you get in a French bistro. This includes a cheese course, with cheese like Roquefort being served. In France, being able to enjoy sitting at a table eating food is one of the great pleasures of life.”

What happens when the parents are in a restaurant and a small child refuses to sit still and behave? “The French don’t tend to bring children to restaurants. They usually eat at home. And they usually can say no effectively. The reason why Anglophone parents aren’t so great at saying no is because we’re ambivalent about how it effects the child. We feel that it might thwart their impulses, block their free will and harm the child in some way. In France it’s absolutely seen as good for the parents to be the ones in charge. They see saying no as a life skill for children to be able to confront a frustrating situation and be emotionally able to handle it.”

So they’re not ashamed of being seen as being too strict? “Yes, practically every French parent I interviewed for the book, said ‘I’m very strict’ and they were very proud of it. But what they meant wasn’t that they are strict about everything – they are consistently strict about some things and quite relaxed about the rest. What’s interesting about France is this balance between setting very firm limits and also giving children more autonomy in other areas. They don’t have this endless negotiation. They say, ‘c’est moi qui decide’ (‘I decide’). French parents are just more comfortable than Anglophone parents in saying no, very firmly and not backing down.”

Is this why there seems to be less guilt in French parenting? “Mothers in France recognise that there’s a temptation to feel guilty about not doing enough for their kids, but they encourage each other not to feel it. They have a view that it’s not healthy for mothers and children to spend all their time together.

“Also, it is seen as quite a risky choice to give up your income and independence. French women tend to be more pragmatic about it than mothers in the Anglophone world.”

So does this mean Druckerman is a complete convert to the French parenting style? “I really have learned a lot from French parents, but there are some things I miss. In America there is this spirit of optimism and risk-taking that’s instilled in kids from a young age that I really like and would like my kids to be exposed to. That’s why we spend a lot time in America, and England, where my husband is from.”

French Children Don't Throw Food, by Pamela Druckerman, is published by Doubleday, £15/€18

French parenting lexicon

“Le goûter”: French children don’t snack endlessly on cheese strings, crisps and biscuits. Instead, all treats are reserved for the daily 4pm goûter or snack.

“Sage comme une image”: While the term may be considered a bit old-fashioned, even in France, French grandparents will still beseech their grandchildren to be as “still as a picture” at meal-times.

“La fessée”: Visit most French parks or beaches and you may, at some point, see parents administering a sharp slap – even to a child’s face. In some homes, a “martinet”, a small whip, is still used to instil discipline.

“La pause”: For new-born babies, it is advised to give the baby a chance to self-soothe, rather than picking them up each time they cry.

“Maman-taxi”: A derogatory term used to describe a mother who spends too much time ferrying her children around.

“Relation fusionnelle”: This is where a mother’s and a child’s needs are too intertwined – considered not to be a good thing in France.