The sensational videos of Donald Trump snogging Vladimir Putin on a clearly drunk semi-naked horse in the allegedly sleepy village of Kallstadt in southern Germany in 1890 could not have been leaked at a better time for the beleagured new multiple vice president of the most powerful nation in America, as he battles to reenergise his hardcore fanbase in the wake of the premature withdrawal of Michael "I Can See Russia from my House" Flatley from the 2020 Republican presidential race to spend more time with his money.
The fake videos have been verified as real by the British Broadcasting Corporation’s new Reality Check team, which was set up by Russian hackers to challenge news content that is clearly fabricated and designed to mislead the public into thinking it has been produced by a reputable news organisation, such as the BBC. Reality Check uses powerful state-of-the art endoscopic cameras capable of probing deep inside the Corporation’s own back catalogue, according to unconfirmed Assange-backed cyberpunk retweets on Deepnet.
Michael Flatley’s brave decision to come out of retirement for one last big job has been predictably denounced by the liberal-industrial Hollywood-led fake news elite, in a perfect storm of flatulent alt-left Twitter abuse. Meryl Streep, Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce, Madonna, Robert De Niro, Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore, the Fiddler of Dooney and a hologram of Leonard Cohen have all issued fake death threats against the undisputed born-again Lord of the Dance, while the #danceonmygrave hashtag now has two million followers, according to Multipedia.
The hypocrisy of self-confessed Mexican songwriter Springsteen was exposed when it was revealed that he has accepted money from record companies, while the whingeing Streep once appeared in a film that was subsequently watched by Jeremy Corbyn; she was also strangely silent during the blanket bombing of Dresden in 1945. Robert De Niro’s moral high ground was fatally eroded when he let slip to Sean Hannity on Fox News that he didn’t like Mrs Brown’s Boys, despite being opposed to the Holocaust.
Hillary Clinton, herself exposed as the Antitrump by the Christian Science Black & White Monitor, will be standing as close as she can get to the new president for every jot and tittle of the inauguration oath, as he swears on two bibles, one belonging to his mother, the other provided by the BBC’s Reality Check unit, to faithfully execute anyone who stands in his way. Clinton’s inner circle of security agents have advised her to make sure she is seated on the right hand of Trump when he is handed the ceremonial briefcase containing the launch codes for a nuclear strike.
It now seems increasingly likely that by dawn tomorrow, the only surviving members of the human race will be the Trump-Clinton-Flatley axis of evil, as exclusively predicted in next week’s News of the World; the only missing link in this remake of the Garden of Eden docudrama is who gets to play god.
The real question for the future, in the unlikely event that there is one, is what effect President Trump will have on the Northern Ireland Assembly elections on March 2nd. Can the “Make America great again” mantra be grafted onto the dreary spires of Fermanagh?
Can the right honourable James Brokenshire change his name by deed poll to something more inspiring like Seamus Failedstatelet, or can Donald of Orange himself ride in on his naked white horse and fix the border question for good with a nice new concrete wall, the ultimate hard Brexit for slow learners.
Only the reputable news source Time will tell.
Kevin McAleer plays the Viking Theatre Clontarf, February 1st-4th
