How do you recover from a loss so great it leaves you broken in to tiny pieces? Can you ever understand or forgive?
To lose a child in an accident or to disease is heartbreaking, to lose a child to murder-suicide, there are barely words adequate enough to describe it.
The spectre of murder-suicide has loomed over this country in the last decade like no other. It has particularly haunted rural Ireland, small, close-knit communities shocked to the very core.
Maybe it is time now to begin a national conversation on how we deal with murder-suicide and support those left behind.
My fascination was where did these women, women like you and me, draw such inner strength to continue; how did they cope?
When I sat down to write The Ludlow Ladies’ Society, my third novel, all I knew was at the heart of it was a murder suicide. But as I researched, delved deeper into recent accounts and those abroad, it was no longer the crime that became my main focus, but the strength of those left behind. Mothers, grandmothers, daughters and yes, they were nearly always women, left to muddle through and eventually begin to rebuild shattered lives.
My fascination was where did these women, women like you and me, draw such inner strength to continue; how did they cope?
How did they muster the will to go on; the grit and determination which has seen some women in Ireland speak out despite the sea of loss in which they were so callously thrust.
As I wrote the story of Connie Carter, who comes to live in Ireland to rebuild her shattered life after losing her husband and daughter, I realised that instead of concentrating on the perpetrator, I wanted to examine that strength pulled from deep inside by those left to cope with unspeakable loss.
All families and extended families caught up in a murder-suicide are subjected to the media spotlight, but it is when the cameras are packed away and the news headlines have changed to the next big story that was of most interest to me.
What sustains those left grieving, what keeps them going and how do they do it? I think the only answer is they exist or live second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day and year by year. The burden does not get lighter but maybe the shoulders bearing it become a little stronger with time.
The Ludlow Ladies’ Society is such a story where women support each other through the most difficult times. It is a story of friendship, resilience and compassion. Connie Carter who has lost everyone and everything dear to her is supported and held up by the women in the The Ludlow Ladies’ Society. They stitch memory patchwork quilts together and as they do, secrets, sadness and bitterness is excised; the process helps heal the hearts of the women, all nursing their private grief and loss.
What shines through is the support for Connie Carter. Support, acceptance and especially the mention of the deceased child’s name along with a full recognition of what happened are all important.
For starters we can desist referring to the perpetrator of such a crime as a "pillar of the community". There is something deeply hurtful in those words
One woman in the US who had lost her son in a murder-suicide reported she did not begin to start the healing process and turn a corner until she was able to accept what had happened and concentrate on the good memories. This allowed the love that bloomed in her heart for the child now gone to become stronger.
But what can we as outsiders do? For starters we can desist referring to the perpetrator of such a crime as a “pillar of the community”. There is something deeply hurtful in those words, though their use may donate a certain shock at the crime committed. Each of us needs to choose our words wisely so as not to compound the terrible grief.
On a national level experts say an independent research body directed by a group of stakeholders – the HSE and Garda among them – needs to be appointed to review all of the cases in Ireland over at least the last 10 years.
Officialdom now needs to learn from the strength of those left grieving and learn to categorise murder-suicide as it should be
It is time we started to record these type of cases under the category of murder-suicide rather than separately as murder and suicide. It is time the loss of those left behind is fully recognised; the act committed investigated even when there is nobody to be brought to trial.
Officialdom now needs to learn from the strength of those left grieving and learn to categorise murder-suicide as it should be. Those left with a well of grief in their hearts may never get justice in the sense that other victims of crime can, but they can get the proper recognition of the crime committed, a full investigation geared towards finding answers and a consideration in the way we all talk about the tragedy.
The Ludlow Ladies' Society
Connie Carter has lost everyone and everything dear to her. Leaving her home in New York, she moves to a run-down Irish mansion, hoping to heal her shattered heart and in search of answers: how could her husband do the terrible things he did? And why did he plough all their money into the dilapidated Ludlow Hall before he died, without ever telling her?
At first Connie tries to avoid the villagers, until she meets local women Eve and Hetty who introduce her to the Ludlow Ladies’ Society, a crafts group in need of a permanent home.
Connie soon discovers Eve is also struggling with pain and the loss of having her beloved Ludlow Hall repossessed by the bank and sold off. Now, seeing the American Connie living there, the hurt of losing everything is renewed. Can these women ever be friends? Can they ever understand or forgive?
As the Ludlow Ladies create memory quilts to remember those they have loved and lost, the secrets of the past finally begin to surface. But can Connie, Eve and Hetty stitch their lives back together?
The Ludlow Ladies’ Society is a story of friendship, resilience and compassion, and how women support each other through the most difficult times.
- The Ludlow Ladies' Society by Ann O'Loughlin is launched on Thursday, July 6th, at 6.30 pm, in Dubrays, Grafton Street, Dublin
