For me, writing a book is the most wonderful, fulfilling job I can imagine. In fact, it doesn’t really feel like a job at all. It’s said that if you do a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. And I have to agree. But that doesn’t mean it’s not difficult. There are times when I sit in front of a blank screen and the words just won’t come. There are times when I think I’ve written the most amazing few chapters and my editor tells me to delete and start again. There are times when I want to curl up into a ball and forget I ever wanted to be a writer. But then the wonderful moments make up for all that. The times when I write those fantastic two words: The End. The times when I walk into a book shop and see my book on the shelves. The times when I get an email from a reader to say they’ve enjoyed one of my books.
When publication day arrives for each book, I’m filled with a myriad of feelings. Excitement. After a long year of locking myself away in my writing cave, I can finally see the fruit of my labours sitting prettily on a book shelf. My actual book. With my actual words. Actually written by me! What is there not to be excited about? Pride. I’m proud of myself. Of course I am. I’ve juggled my life for the duration of writing this book. I’ve written thousands of words, attended book events, did interviews, attended parent/teacher meetings at the school and cooked gourmet dinners for the family. One of those things may be a lie. But there’s still a lot to be proud of and come publication day, I’m bursting with it.
But the biggest emotion I feel each time a book is about to be unleashed onto the world, is fear. Now I don’t scare easily. I can sit watching horror movies, munching on popcorn while even the dog is hiding behind the sofa. I’ve held snakes, jumped out of planes and have even had a gun pointed at me. So it seems crazy that I should be so scared of a little book, but it’s true. Just before I released my last book, somebody said to me that because it was my sixth, I must be used to it. I’ll never get used to it. And funnily enough, I think it gets worse each time. With my first book, I was so overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude that there was no room for fear. I’d already celebrated my fortieth birthday and yet I was at the beginning of what I hoped would be an exciting and wonderful career. I didn’t know much about the book business – how things worked or what to expect. All I could think about was my book - my actual book – on the book shelves in the shops. People were going to buy it (I hoped) and read the words that I’d written. I was overwhelmed, but in a really good way.
So as time went on, I began to see how the massive machine that is the publishing business worked. There’d be reviews. Scary, scary reviews. And sales figures. And then interviews. And then maybe no interviews, because the book was old news and they were making space for the new kids on the block! And then it came to book two. But this time, I knew more. I wasn’t as wet behind the ears so the fear began to creep in. The first book was a bestseller. What if this one wasn’t? What if nobody liked the cover? What if nobody wanted to buy it? Did it look as good as the other books on the shelves? Did it sound as interesting? Would the reviews be favourable?
Then came book three and book four over the next couple of years. The fear became more intense. I needed to maintain the sales I had for the first two. Would people get fed up with seeing my name? I did four books in three years. Would people be saying: “Who does she think she is, trying to be a writer?” I began to feel that a lot was expected of me. People felt I should be confident and outgoing. That I should be able to stand up in front of a crowd of people or sit in front of cameras in a television studio and it wouldn’t faze me. They’d say: “Sure you’ve written books – you’ll be grand”. Nothing could have been further from the truth. All that stuff terrified me.
It’s a few years on now and book six is in the shops. I’m so proud of it. It’s been a difficult writing year but now seeing the beautiful cover adorning the shelves in book stores around the country fills me with pride. I get emails from people regularly, telling me how my books make them happy and how much they’ve enjoyed reading them. I adore what I do and wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m very, very lucky to do what I love and I never want to stop doing it. But still, there’s the fear…
Maria Duffy’s latest novel, Falling Softly, is published by Hachette Ireland and is in the shops now. Follow her on twitter at @mduffywriter
