Using a sophisticated news prediction algorithm which is too complicated to explain here, Ireland’s number one news publication, Waterford Whispers News, gives its predictions for the new year ahead:
1) In 2018 a total of 3,467 Irish celebrities will be claimed by the UK as their own, a 47 per cent drop from last year.
2) Myriad scandals will hit the headlines regarding gross negligence in State bodies entrusted with safeguarding incredibly important components of Irish society. However, the public will simultaneously be diagnosed with amnesia and a short attention span, forgetting to mobilise and demand change after being distracted by a viral video of a man with a tin whistle up his nose playing Amhrán na bhFiann.
3) The Oscars ceremony will be attended by the remaining 19 celebrities who have yet to admit sexually assaulting someone.
4) Danny Healy-Rae will claim that a statue of the Virgin Mary in his pub started weeping Guinness after he prayed to it. Thousands of pilgrims will visit the pub every day despite a €200 entry fee.
5) The judicial system will be dismantled in favour of trials by social media. Prison population will increase tenfold, solving the housing crisis.
6) After a breakdown in negotiations that don't actually get started in the first place, the UK will be removed from the EU WhatsApp group indefinitely.
7) Taoiseach Leo Varadkar will impress the public with a variety of photogenic poses of him doing everyday, ordinary things, detailing how much of a human being he is, just like you.
8) Emergency legislation will be drafted to make it illegal to "talk the country down", even if you have overwhelming evidence that there could perhaps be some pressing issues that need solving.
9) Apple will not release a new iPhone this year, finally admitting they are out of ideas.
10) All manner of family dinners and social occasions will become increasingly tense throughout the first half of the year, thanks to a bunch of selfish women who want a vote on bodily autonomy.
For the best of 2017’s news from Waterford Whispers, the Waterford Whispers News Annual 2017, Newsageddon, is out now, Gill Books, €16.99
